another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------and more Labor Day humor........

The boss gets the idea he isn't popular among his staff.  One day, he challenges his assistant. "See here, Perkins," he says, "I can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't think my staff cares for me."

Perkins replies nervously, "Sir?"

The boss says, "I don't get it, because when I left my last company, the people went together and got me a silver watch."

Perkins considered his words carefully, then says, "Silver was it?  Well, if you were to leave this company, I can assure you that we'd all put in for giving you a gold watch!"

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In 1901, Vice President Theodore Toosevelt offered the advice, "Speak softly and carry a big stick" in a speech at the Minnesota State Fair.

In 1944, during World War II, Navy pilot Lt. George Herbert Walker Bush was shot down by Japanese forces as he completed a bombing run over the Bonin Islands.  (Bush was rescued by the crew of the submarine USS Finback; his two crew members, however, died.

In 1945, Japan formerly surrendered in ceremonies aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, ending World War II.

In 1969, in what some regard as the birth of the Internet, two connected computers at the University of California, Los Angeles, passed test data through a 15-foot-cable.

In 1986, a judge in Los Angeles sentenced Cathy Evelyn Smith to three years in prison for involuntary manslaughter for her role in the 1982 drug overdose death of comedian John Belushi.  (Smith served 18 months.)

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Today---------Dancer-actress Marge Champion is 93, Jazz musician Horace Silver is 84, Former United States Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Ueberroth is 75, R&B singer Sam Gooden is 73, Singer Jimmy Clanton is 72, R&B singer Rosalind Ashford is 69, Singer Joe Simon is 69, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 64, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 64, Actor Mark Harmon is 61 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Jimmy Connors is 60.

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September 2nd is:  Bison-ten Yell Day and V-J Day.

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Quip for the day........I don't mind coming to work.......it's that eight hour wait to go home that's a pain.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------a repeat, so from the archives......

I'm so fat...

When I haul ass I have to make two trips.
When I dance, I make the band skip.
I was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave me 13 years to live.
My cereal bowl has a lifeguard.
My high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
I ran away as a child and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When I get in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.
I've got smaller fat disc jockeys orbiting around me.
I could sell shade.
When I go to a restaurant, they don't give me a menu, they give me an estimate.
I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.
When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.

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In 1783, representatives of the United States and Britain signed the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Revoluntionary War.

In 1861, during the Civil War, Confederate forces invaded the border state of Kentucky, which had declared its neutrality in the conflict.

In 1972, American swimmer Mark Spitz won the sixth of his seven gold medals at the Munich Olympics as he placed first in the 100-meter freestyle.

In 1976, America's Viking 2 lander touched down on Mars to take the first close-up, color photographs of the planet's surface.

In 1999, a French judge closed a two-year inquiry into the car crash that killed Princess Diana, dismissing all charges against nine photographers and a press motorcyclist, and concluding the accident was caused by an inebriated driver.

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Today-------"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 89, Actress Anne Jackson is 86, Actress Eileen Brennan is 80, Country singer Tompall Glaser is 79, Actress Pauline Collins is 72, Rock singer-musician Al Jardine is 70, Actress Valerie Perrine is 69 and Rock musician Donald Brewer (Grand Funk Railroad) is 64.

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September 3rd is:  Labor Day.

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Quip for the day............The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hee hee......

Two men went bear hunting.  While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found one and took his best shot, but only wounded it.  The enraged bear charged toward him.  The hunter dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

The bear kept gaining on him.  It was right on his heels.  Just as he reached the cabin door, he stumbled and fell flat.

The bear tripped over him and went crashing through the door and into the cabin.

The man yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one.  I'll go find another one!"

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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Governor Felipe de Neve.

In 1886, a group of Apache Indians led by Geronimo (also known as Goyathlay, ("One Who Yawns") surrendered to Gen. Nelson Miles at Skeleton Canyon in Arizona.

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman addressed the nation from the Japanese peace treaty conference in San Francisco in the first live, coast-to-coast television broadcast.

In 1962, The Beatles, with their new drummer, Ringo Starr, recorded "Love Me Do" at EMI Studios in London.  (The more familiar version with substitute drummer Andy White and Starr playing the tambourine was recorded a week later.)

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Today-------------Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 81, Actor Kenneth Kimmins is 71, Singer Merald "Bubba" Knight (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 70, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Raymond Floyd is 70, Actress Jennifer Salt is 68, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Tom Watson is 63, Actress Judith Ivey is 61 and Rock musician Martin Chambers  (The Pretenders) is 61.

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September 4th is: Another Look Unlimited Day and Newspaper Carrier Day.

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Quip for the day.........If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah.......

John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out. The Medical Director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital as he considered him to be okay.

The doctor told David, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died".

David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself.  I hung him there to dry".

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In 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas.

In  1957, the novel "On the Road," by Jack Kerouac, was first published by Viking Press.

In 1972, terrorism struck the Munich Olympics as members of the Palestinian group Black September attacked the Israeli delegation:  11 Israelis, five guerrillas and a police officer were killed in the resulting siege.

In 1997, Mother Teresa died in Calcutta, India, at age 87.

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Today------Former Federal Reserve Board chairman Paul A. Volcker is 85, Comedian-actor Bob Newhart is 83, Actress-singer Carol Lawrence is 80, Actor William Devane is 73, Actor George Lazenby is 73, Movie director Werner Herzog is 70, Singer Al Stewart is 67, Actor-director Dennis Dugan is 66, College Football Hall-of-Famer jerry LeVias is 66, Singer Loudon Wainwright III is 66, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite is 62, Actor Michael Keaton is 61, and (gulp) Actress Raquel Welch is 77.

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September 5th is:  Be Late For Something Day.

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Quip for the day...........If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it, it has no calories.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------kids.........

The children were moving through line at the Sunday school picnic.  There was a long table loaded with good food.  There were salads and vegetables and side dishes and casseroles and lots more.

At the start of the line there was a big basket of apples, and one of the teachers had put a note in front of them that said, "Take only one.  Remember, God is watching!"

At the other end of the line there was a plate piled high with chocolate chip cookies.  One of the mischievous children had put a note in front of them that said, "Take all you want.  God is watching the apples!"

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In 1901, President William McKinley was shot and mortally wounded by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York.  (McKinley died eight days later.)

In 1952, Canadian television broadcasting began in Montreal.

In 1972, a memorial service was held at the site of the Summer Olympics in Munich, West Germany, a day after the deadly terrorist attack that had claimed the lives of eleven Israelis and five of their abductors.

In 1997, a public funeral was held for Princess Diana at Westminster Abbey in London, six days after her death in a car crash in Paris.

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Today-------Comedian JoAnne Worley is 75, Country singer David Allan Coe is 73, Rock singer-musician Roger Waters is 69, Actress Swoosie Kurtz is 68, Comedian-actress Jane Curtin is 65 and Country singer-songwriter Buddy Miller is 60.

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September 6th is:  Coffee Ice Cream Day, Fight Procrastination Day, Iguana Awareness Day and Read A Book Day.

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Quip for the day........The future belongs to our children...........Today belongs to me.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oops...........


A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a RICH Doctor! A RICH Doctor!"

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In 1892, James J. Corbett knocked out John L. Sullivan to win the world heavyweight crown in New Orleans in a fight conducted under the Marquess of Queensberry rules.

In 1996, rapper Tupac Shakur was shot and mortally wounded on the Las Vegas Strip;  he died six days later.

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Today-------------Sen. Daniel Inouye, D-Hawaii, is 88, Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 82, Actor Bruce Gray is 76, Singer Alfa Anderson (Chic) is 66, Actress Susan Blakely is 64, Singer Gloria Gaynor is 63, Actress Julie Kavner is 61 and Rock singer Chrisse Hynde (The Pretenders) is 61.

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September 7th is:  Google Commemoration Day, Grandma Moses Day, National Lazy Moms Day, Neither Snow nor Rain Day and Salami Day.

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Quip for the day...........Laughter is like changing a diaper.  It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------well, okay........

Our dad used to take us to dinner of Wednesdays.  We would go to various places, and he had a joke for each one.

I would ask him, in the car, "Where are we going?"  He would say, "Ellie, we're going to the Swedish smorgasbord, because variety if the spice of life."

Another time I would ask him, "Where are we going?"  He would say, "Ellie, we're going to Van de Kamps, because the windmills of my mind are calling me!"

(For those not familiar with Van de Kamps, the restaurants were designed to look like windmills which the windmill actually at one time did turn very slowly.  (Van de Kamps restaurants are no longer in business around here.)

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In 1565, a Spanish expedition established the first permanent European settlement in North America at present-day St. Augustine, FL.

In 1935, Sen. Huey P. Long, D-La, was shot and mortally wounded inside the Louisiana State Capitol; he died two days later.  (The assailant was identified as Dr. Carl Weiss, who was gunned down by Long's bodyguards.)

In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard M. Nixon.

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Today-----Comedian Sid Caesar is 90, Ventriloquist Willie Tyler is 72, Actor Alan Feinstein is 71, Pop singer Sal Valetino is 70, Author Ann Beattie is 65, Cajun singer Zachary Richard is 62 and Musician Will Lee is 60.

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September 8th is:  International Drive Your Studebaker Day, International Literacy Day, Virgin Mary Day, World Physical Therapy Day and Farmers' Consumer Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.........Dieting is wishful shrinking.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah......

Here is one more important reason why we still need newspapers.

I was visiting at my daughter's house the other day and I asked her if I could see her newspaper.

She said, "Dad, this is the 21st century.  Don't be so old-fashioned.  I don't read newspapers.  Here, you can use my IPad.

I can tell you THIS for sure..............that fly never knew what hit him.

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In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union.

In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the first civil rights bill to pass Congress since the Reconstruction.

In 1971, prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, NY, beginning a siege that ended up claiming 43 lives.

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Today-----Actress Sylvia Miles is 78, Actor Topol is 77, R&B singer Luther Simmons is 70, Singer Inez Foxx is 70, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 67, Rock singer-musician Doug Ingle is 66, Country singer Freddy Weller is 65, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Joe Theismann is 63, Rock musician John McFee is 62, Actor Tom Wopat is 61 and Actress Angela Cartwright is 60.

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September 9th is:  Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder Day, International Lace Day, National Grandparents Day, National Hug Your Hound Day and Wonderful Weirdoes Day.

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Quip for the day........It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------Hmm.....

A man and a woman meet at a party and begin talking to each other.  They have a few drinks together and after a while, a physical attraction develops.  After a few more drinks, the woman asks the man if he would like to go back to her apartment with her.  He agrees and they go to her place.

When he walks in, he sees a bedroom full of stuffed animals and fluffy toys all over the room.......on the bed, hanging on the walls and filling up all the shelves.  He thinks, "Wow, this woman really loves stuffed toys and stuffed animals."  But he puts that aside as they prepare for a night of passion.

When they are finished with their love-making, he asks, "Was it good for you?  How did I do?

She replies, "Well, it was okay.  You can have your choice of anything on the bottom shelf."

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In 1608, John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown colony council in Virginia.

In 1846, Elias Howe received a patent for his sewing machine.

In 1912, the jungle character Tarzan made his debut as "Tarzan of the Apes" by Edgar Rice Burroughs.  It was first published in the All-Story magazine.  (The novel was published in book form in 1914.)

In 1963, 20 black students entered Alabama public schools following a standoff between federal authorities and Gov. George Wallace.

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Today-----World Golf Hall-of-Famer Arnold Palmer is 83, Actor Philip Baker Hall is 81, Country singer Tommy Overstreet is 75, Actor Greg Mullavey is 73, Singer Danny Hutton (Three Dog Night) is 70, Singer Jose Feliciano is 67, Actor Tom Ligon is 67, Actress Judy Geeson is 64, Former Canadian first lady Margaret Trudeau is 64, Political commentator Bill O'Reilly is 63 and Rock musician Joe Perry (Aerosmith) is 62.

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September 10th is:  National Boss/Employee Exchange Day, Swap Ideas Day and (Worlds) Suicide Prevention Day.

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Quip for the day............I laugh so hard sometimes the tears run down my leg.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------ouch......

"You seem to be in a good mood today, Carol," observed one of her friends at the afternoon meeting of the Women's Club.

"Oh, I am," Carol replied.  "I started out my day with a selfless act of charity, and that always makes me feel good about myself."

Her friend said, "How lovely.  What was your act of charity, dear, if you don't mind my asking."

Carol replied, "My husband and I went to the coffee place, and I gave $20 to a bum."

Her friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of money to give to a bum.  What did your husband say?"

Carol answered, "Oh, he was all for it.  He said, 'Thank you very much."'

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In 1777, during the American Revolution, forces under Gen. George Washington were defeated by the British in the Battle of Brandywine.

In 1936, Boulder Dam (now Hoover Dam) began operation as President Franklin D. Roosevelt pressed a key in Washington to signal the startup of the dam's first hydroelectric generator.

In 2001, nearly 3,000 people were killed on America's worst day of terrorism as 19 al-Qaida terrorists hijacked four passenger jetliners.  Two planes smashed into New York's World Trade Center, causing the twin towers to fall; one plowed into the Pentagon; and the fourth was crashed into a field in Western Pennsylvania.

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Today------Movie director Brian De Palma is 72, Rock singer-musician Jack Ely (The Kingsmen) is 69, Rock musician Mickey Hart (The Dead) is 69, Singer-musician Leo Kottke is 67, Actor Phillip Alford is 64 and Actress Amy Madigan is 62.

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September 11th is:  Libraries Remember Day, Patriot Day and Remember Freedom Day.

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Quip for the day.....Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it.......in a convertible.

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Larryj