another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------smart man......

Old George was going up to bed when he noticed a light on in his garden shed.  He started out there but noticed there were intruders in the shed.

He phoned the police and reported the crime.  The watch commander said, "All our patrols are busy.  We'll send over an officer as soon as we can."

George waited a few minutes and called again.  "Never mind about the intruders in my shed.  I shot them dead and my dogs are eating them."

Within two minutes, six squad cars and helicopter were on the scene.  The burglars were caught red-handed.

The watch commander said to George, "Guess you fibbed when you said you had shot them."

George replied, "Guess you fibbed when you said there was nobody available."

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In 1912, actor, dancer, director and choreographer Gene Kelly was born Eugene Curran Kelly in Pittsburgh.

In 1926, silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.

In 1962, John Lennon married his first wife, Cynthia Powell, in Liverpool, England.  (The marriage lasted until 1968.)

In 2011, a magnitude 5.8 earthquake centered near Mineral, Virginia, the strongest on the East Coast since 1944, caused cracks in the Washington Monument and damaged Washington National Cathedral.

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Today------Actress Vera Miles is 82, Political satirist Mark Russell is 80, Actress Barbara Eden is 78, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Sonny Jurgensen is 78, Actor Richard Sanders is 72, Ballet dancer Patricia McBride is 70, Former Surgeon General Antonia Novello is 68, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Rayfield Wright is 67, Country singer Rex Allen, Jr. is 65, Actress Shelley Long is 63, Actor-singer Rick Springfield is 63 and Queen Noor of Jordan is 61.

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August 23rd is:  Day For The Remembrance Of The Slave Trade & It's Abolition and Valentino Day.

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Quip for the day........We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------another oops........

The priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  The keynote speaker was a member of the congregation who happened to be a prominent local politician.  He had been delayed, however, so the priest stood up to deliver a few remarks of his own.

"My first impression of this parish was not so good," he said.  "The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had struck his wife, embezzled money from his employer, had an affair with a married neighbor and taken illegal drugs.  I was shocked.  Fortunately, I soon learned that he was the exception and that our parish is full of wonderful people."

As the priest finished his remarks, the politician arrived, full of apologies, and took the podium to make his presentation.  He started with, "I'll never forget the first day our priest arrived.  In fact, I had the distinct honor of being the first person to visit his confessional."

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In A.D. 79, long-dormant Mount Vesuvius erupted, burying the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum in volcanic ash; an estimated 20,000 died.

In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces invaded Washington, D.C., setting fire to the Capitol and the White House, as well as other buildings.

In 1912, Congress passed a measure creating the Alaska Territory.

In 1912, Congress approved legislation establishing Parcel Post delivery by the U.S. Post Office Department slated to begin on Jan. 1, 1913.

In 1932, Amelia Earhart embarked on a 19-hour flight from Los Angeles to Newark, N.J., making her the first woman to fly solo, non-stop, from coast to coast.

In 1954, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Communist Control Act, outlawing the Communist Party in the United States.

In 2006, the international Astronomical Union declared that Pluto was no longer a planet, demoting it to the status of a "dwarf planet."

In 2011, Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple, Inc.; he was succeeded by Tim Cook.

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Today-----Former Education Secretary Shirley Hufstedler is 87, Actor Kenny Baker is 78, Composer-musician Mason Williams is 74, Rhythm-and-blues singer Marshall Thompson is 70, Rock musician Ken Hensley is 67, Actress Anne Archer is 65 and Actor Joe Regalbuto is 63.

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August 24th is:  Pluto Demoted Day, Vesuvius Day and National Waffle Day.

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Quip for the day........Why pay for someone to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------ouch.......

A farmer was escorting a visitor around his farm when a three-legged pig crossed their path.

"Wow, what's with the three-legged pig?" the visitor asked.

"Oh, that pig's amazing," the farmer said.  "Once, when my toddler son was drowning in the pond, that pig dove in, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and pulled him to safety.  Another time, that pig drove off intruders who were breaking into the house.  Then there was the time he saved our entire farm from a fire."

"That is amazing," the visitor said.  "And he only has three legs?"

"Well, with a pig that special," the farmer said, "we don't feel right about eating him all at once."

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In 1916, the National Park Service was established within the Department of the Interior.

In 1921, the United States signed a peace treaty with Germany.

In 1944, Paris was liberated by Allied forces after four years of Nazi occupation.

In 1981, the U.S. spacecraft Voyager 2 came within 63,000 miles of Saturn's cloud cover, sending back pictures of and data about the ringed planet.

In 1985, Samantha Smith, 13, whose letter to Yuri V. Andropov resulted in her famous peace tour of the Soviet Union, died with her father in a plane crash in Auburn, Maine.

In 2002, bass-baritone William Warfield, best known for his rendition of "Ol' Man River" in the musical "Show Boat," died in Chicago at age 82.

In 2009, Sen. Edward Kennedy died at age 77 in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts.

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Today-------------Game show host Monty Hall is 91, Actor Sean Connery is 82, TV personality Regis Philbin is 81, Actor Tom Skerritt is 79, Actor David Canary is 74, R&B singer Walter Williams is 70, Rock musician Danny Smythe is 64, Rock singer Gene Simmons is 63, Actor John Savage is 63 and Rock singer Rob Halford is 61.

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August 25th is:  International Bat Night (25-26), Kiss And Make Up Day and National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day.

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Quip for the day............The four food groups:  Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------I see.........

Men are bad at asking for directions.  They are also bad at giving them.

A woman was trying to find her son's baseball field.  She drove around and around, and finally stopped at a gas station for directions.

"Can you tell me how to find Cooper's Field?" she asked the man behind the counter.

He replied, "Yes, coming from the city, you turn left at Rainville Road.  At the next fork in the road, go to the right.  There's a little farm and about a mile after that you turn right.  In a few minutes you will see a little service station called Joey's."

The woman looked around and observed, "This place is called Joey's."

The guy said impatiently, "That's what I was getting around to telling you.  The field is right behind the station."

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In 1910, Thomas Edison demonstrated for reporters an improved version of his Kinetophone, a device for showing a movie with synchronized sound.

In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing American women the right to vote, was certified in effect by Secretary of State, Bainbridge Colby.

In 1961, the original Hockey Hall of Fame was opened in Toronto.

In 2002, Vice President Dick Cheney, at a Veterans of Foreign Wars convention in Tennessee, warned that the United States could face devastating consequences from any delay in acting to remove Saddam Hussein as president of Iraq.

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Today------------Former Washington Post Executive Editor Benjamin C. Bradlee is 91, Actress Francine York is 76, Singer Vic Dana is 70, Former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge is 67, Rhythm-and-blues singer Valerie Simpson is 66 and Pop singer Bob Cowsill is 63.

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August 26th is:  National Dog Day, Women's Equality Day and Go Topless Day.

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Quip for the day........If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the OTHERS her for?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.........

Mom answers the phone.  She hears, "Oh, Mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broken, I twisted my ankle, and I haven't been able to get out of the house to shop.  On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have friends over for dinner tonight."

Mom says, "Now dear, just stay calm.  Sit down, relax, and I'll be over in 30 minutes.  I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook the dinner.  I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who will fix your washing machine.  In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him to come help for once."

"George?  Who's George?"

"Why, that's you husband, dear."

"My husband is Jim!"

"This is Jennifer, isn't it?"

"No, I'm Jill."

"Oh, dear, I believe you've called a wrong number."

After a long pause, Jill said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

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Bonus shot------I told my ex-husband I wanted to kill him.  He said I needed professional help, so I hired a hitman.

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In 1859, Edwin L. Drake drilled the first successful oil well in the United States, at Titusville, PA.

In 1957, the USS Swordfish, the second Skate Class nuclear submarine, was launched from the Portsmouth Naval Shipyard in Maine.

In 1962, the United States launched the Mariner 2 space probe, which flew past Venus in December 1962.

In 1967, Brian Epstein, manager of the Beatles, was found dead in his London flat from an overdose of sleeping pills; he was 32.

In 1989, the first U.S. commercial satellite rocket was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida -- a Delta booster carrying a British communications satellite, the Marcopolo 1.

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Today--------Actor Tommy Sands is 75, Bluegrass singer-musician J.D. Crowe is 75, Actress Tuesday Weld is 69 and Actress Marianne Sagebrecht is 67.

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August 27th is:  The Duchess Who Wasn't Day.

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Quip for the day............I fired my masseuse today.  She just rubbed me the wrong way.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----entitled Computer Women........

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!!

B... WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

C... EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

D... SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

E... INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!

F... SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but always busy when you need her.

G... MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

H... CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

I... E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

J... VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

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In 1955, Emmett Till, a black teen-ager from Chicago, was adducted from his uncle's home in Money, Mississippi, by two white men after he had supposedly whistled at a white woman; he was found brutally slain three days later.

In 1963, more than 200,000 people listened as the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his "I Have A Dream" speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.

In 1968, police and anti-war demonstrators clashed in the streets of Chicago as the Democratic National Convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.

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Today-----Actor Sonny Shroyer is 77, Actor Ken Jenkins is 72, Actor David Soul is 69, Former MLB manager Lou Pinella is 69, Actress Barbara Bach is 66, Actress Debra Mooney is 65 and Singer Wayne Osmond (The Osmonds) is 61.

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August 28th is:  Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day, Radio Commercials Day and Crackers Over The Keyboard Day.

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Quip for the day.............Pilot:  "If you hear me yell 'eject! eject! eject!, the last two will be echos."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------Labor Day one-liners.......

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?------------Edgar Bergen

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work.----Robert Orben

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.----Bertrand Russell

Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train.  Are you going 60 miles an hour or is the train going 60 miles and hour and you're just sitting still?-------J. Paul Getty

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In 1957, the Senate gave final congressional approval to a Civil Rights Act after South Carolina Sen. Strom Thurmond ended a filibuster that had lasted 24 hours.

In 1958, pop superstar Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana.

In 1972, swimmer Mark Spitz of the United States won the third of his seven gold medals at the Munich Olympics, finishing first in the 200-meter freestyle.

In 1987, Academy Award-winning actor Lee Marvin died in Tucson, AZ., at age 63.

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast near Buras, Louisiana, bringing floods that devastated New Orleans.  More than 1,800 people in the region died.

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Today-------Actor-director Lord Richard Attenborough is 89, Movie director William Friedkin is 77, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., is 76, Actor Elliott Gould is 74, Movie director Joel Schumacher is 73, Former White House Press Secretary James Brady is 72, TV personality Robin Leach is 71, Actor Ray Wise is 65 and Actress Deborah Van Valkenburgh is 60.

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August 29th is:  According To Hoyle Day, International Day Against Nuclear Tests, More Herbs Less Salt Day, National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day and XIV Paralympics Games (8/29-9/9).

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Quip for the day...........I may be driving slow, but I'm ahead of you!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------more Labor Day stuff........

These are actual quotes from real employee performance evaluations.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere......but only out of morbid curiosity."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far...........and the sooner he starts, the better."

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In 1862, Confederate forces won victories against the Union at the Second Battle of Bull Run in Manassas, VA., and the Battle of Richmond in Kentucky.

In 1905, Ty Cobb made his major-league debut as a player for the Detroit Tigers, hitting a double in his first at-bat in a game against the New York Highlanders.  (The Tigers won, 5-3.)

In 1967, the Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.

In 1983, Guion S. Bluford Jr. became the first black American astronaut to travel in space as he blasted off aboard the Challenger.

In 1997, Americans received word of the car crash in Paris that claimed the lives of Princess Diana, Dodi Fayed and their driver, Henri Paul.  (Because of the time difference, it was Aug. 31 where the crash occurred.)

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Today------------Opera singer Regina Resnik is 90, Actor Bill Daily is 85, Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 73, Actor Ben Jones is 71, Cartoonist R. Crumb is 69, Olympic gold medal skier Jean-Claude Killy is 69, Actress Peggy Lipton (The Mod Squad) is 65 and Actor Timothy Bottoms is 61.

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August 30th is:  National Toasted Marshmellow Day and National Holistic Pet Day.

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Quip for the day..........When an employment application asks who should be notified in case of emergency, I write "911".

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------and still more......

Actual employee performance evaluations.......

"He's a gross ignoramus --- which means he is 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He brings a lot of excitement to any room he leaves."

"If his IQ ever reaches 50, he should sell."

"if you see two people talking and one looks bored .... he's the other one."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Apparently already has donated his brain to science."

"Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

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In 1886, an earthquake with an estimated magnitude of 7.3 devastated Charleston, SC, killing at least 60 people.

In 1986, 82 people were killed when an Aeromexico jetliner and a small private plane collided over Cerritos, CA.
(note:  we were on the freeway going through Cerritos headed for the beach and saw the smoke from the crash.  We didn't know at that time what it was.)

In 1987, the Michael Jackson album "Bad" was released by Epic Records.

In 1997, Prince Charles brought Princess Diana home for the last time, escorting the body of his former wife to a Britain that was shocked, grief-stricken and angered by her death in a Paris traffic accident hours earlier.

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Today------Japanese monster movie actor Katsumi Tezuka is 100, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 77, Actor Warren Berlinger is 75, Rock musician Jerry Allison (The Crickets) is 73, Actor Jack Thompson is 72, Violinist Itzhak Perlman is 67, Singer Van Morrison is 67, Rock musician Rudolf Schenker is 64 and Actor Richard Gere is 63.

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August 31st is:  Love Litigating Lawyers Day.

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Quip for the day........Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----and still more............

Actual quotes from real employee performance evaluations........

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd want change."

"If you stand close to him, you can hear the oceans."

"It probably takes him two hours to watch '60 Minutes.'"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him just once."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a real knack for making strangers."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

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In 1939, World War II began as Nazi Germany invaded Poland.

In 1942, U.S. District Court Judge Martin I. Welsh, ruling from Sacramento on a lawsuit brought by the American Civil Liberties Union on behalf of Fred Korematsu, upheld the wartime detention of Japanese-Americans as well as Japanese Nationals.

In 1972, American Bobby Fischer won the international chess crown in Reykjavik, Iceland, as Boris Spassky of the Soviet Union resigned before the resumption of Game 21.

In 1987, peace demostrator S. Brian Willson lost his legs when he was hit by a train at the Concord Naval Weapons Station in California while protesting weapons shipments to Central America.

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Today------Former Defense Secretary Melvin R. Laird is 90, Actor George Maharis is 84, Conductor Seiji Ozawa is 77, Attorney and Law Professor Alan Dershowitz is 74, Comedian-Actress Lily Tomlin is 73, Actor Don Stroud is 69, Conductor Leonard Slatkin is 68, Singer Archie Bell is 68, Singer Barry Gibb is 66, Rock Musician Greg Errico is 64 and Talk Show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 62.

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September 1st is:  Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day, Calendar Adjustment Day, Chicken Boy's Day, Emma M. Nutt Day, National Rhyme (nor reason) Day and Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day.

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Quip for the day.......Money can't buy everything, but then again neither can no money.

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Larryj