another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------celebrity one-liners.........

China has a population of more than one billion people.  That means even if you're a one-in-a-million kind of guy, there are still more than a thousand others exactly like you.    A. Whitney Brown.

TV commercials show you how detergents take out bloodstains.  A pretty violent image there.  I think if you've got shirts with bloodstains all over them, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.      Jerry Seinfeld.

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.      Steven Wright.

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it, "Do not eat if seal is broken."  So I opened up the box, and sure enough......   Brian Kiley

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In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles.

In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died in London at age 90.

In 1942, Walt Disney's animated feature "Bambi" had its U.S. premiere at Radio City Music Hall in New York, five days after its world premiere in London.

In 1960, the first two-way telephone conversation by satellite took place with the help of Echo 1.

In 1981, in a ceremony at his California ranch, President Ronald Reagan signed a historic package of tax and budget reductions.

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Today------------Former Cuban President Fidel Castro is 86, Actor Pat Harrington is 83, Former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders is 79, Actor Kevin Tighe is 68, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 65, Opera singer Kathleen Battle is 64 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Clarke is 63.

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August 13th is:  International Left Hander's Day.

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Quip for the day.........A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history........with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----old, probably a repeat, but funny.......

A man and his wife were having a tiff.  They were giving each other the silent treatment.  Neither one of them had any intention of backing down.

But then the man remembered something.  He needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an important business flight.  He didn't trust alarm clocks..  He always slept through them.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose!), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me a 5 a.m.," and handed it to his wife.

The next morning, he woke up to discover it was 9 a.m. and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he leaped out of bed.  He saw a note on his bedside table.  He unfolded it and read it:  "It's 5 a.m.  Wake up!"

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In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that Japan had surrendered unconditionally, ending World War II.

In 1948, the Summer Olympics in London ended; they were the first Olympic games held since 1936.

In 1951, newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst, 88, died in Beverly Hills.

In 1997, an unrepentant Timothy McVeigh was formally sentenced to death for the Oklahoma City bombing.

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Today---------Broadway lyricist Lee Adams ("Bye Bye Birdie") is 88, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Russell Baker is 87, Singer Buddy Greco is 86, Baseball Hall-of-Fame coach Earl Weaver is 82, College football Hall-of-Famer John Brodie is 77, Singer Dash Crofts is 74, Rock singer David Crosby is 71, Country singer Connie Smith is 71, Comedian-actor Steve Martin is 67, Actor Antonio Fargas is 66, Actress Susan Saint James is 66, Actor David Schramm is 66, Author Danielle Steel is 65, "Far Side" cartoonist Gary Larson is 62 and Olympic gold medal swimmer Debbie Meyer is 60.

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August 14th is:  National Navajo Code Talkers Day and V-J Day.

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Quip for the day............I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------another old, probably a repeat, but good.......

A shopkeeper in a small town was dismayed when a rival opened a similar store right next door and put up a huge sign that proclaimed, "BEST QUALITY!"

The poor shopkeeper was even more disconcerted when another competitor opened a similar store on the other side of him with a large sign that announced, "LOWEST PRICES!"

The fellow pondered for a long time what to do.  Finally, he had a brilliant idea.  He put a sign above his own front door that was even bigger than the other two signs.  It said, "MAIN ENTRANCE."

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In 1914, the Panama Canal opened to the public.

In 1935, humorist Will Rogers and aviator Wiley Post were killed when their airplane crashed near Point Barrow in the Alaska Territory.

In 1945, in a radio address, Japan's Emperor Hirohito announced that his country had accepted terms of surrender for ending WWII.

In 1969, the Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened in upstate New York.

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Today------------Actress Rose Marie is 89, Political activist Phyllis Schlafly is 88, Actor Mike Connors is 87, Game show host Jim Lange is 80, Actress Lori Nelson is 79, Civil rights activist Vernon Jordan is 77, Actor Jim Dale is 77, Actress Pat Priest  is 76, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is 74, Rep. Maxine Waters, D-Los Angeles, is 74, Musician Pete York is 70, Author-journalist Linda Ellerbee is 68, Songwriter Jimmy Webb is 66, Rock singer-musician Tom Johnston is 64, Britain's Princess Anne is 62 and Actress Tess Harper is 62.

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August 15th is:  Best Friends Day, National Medical Dosimetrist Day and National Relaxation Day.

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Quip for the day..........If there isn't a law, there will be.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------from the archives......

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

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In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln issued Proclamation 86, which prohibited the states of the Union from engaging in commercial trade with states in rebellion -- i.e., the Confederacy.

In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York, at age 53.

In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published by Time, Inc.

In 1962, The Beatles fired their original drummer, Pete Best, replacing him with Ringo Starr.

In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tennessee, at age 42.

(moment of silence..............................................................................................)

In 1987, 156 people were killed when Northwest Airlines Flight 255 crashed while trying to take off from Detroit; the sole survivor was 4-year-old Cecelia Cichan.

In 2007, a cave-in killed three rescuers in the Crandall Canyon Mine in Utah; the search for six trapped miners was later abandoned.

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Today--------Actress Ann Blyth is 84, Singer Edie Gorme is 81, Actor Gary Clarke is 79, Actress Julie Newmar is 79, Actor John Standing is 78, College Football Hall-of-Famer and NFL player Bill Glass is 77, Actress Anita Gillette is 76, Actress Carole Shelley is 73, Country singer Billy Joe Shaver is 73, Actress Leslie Ann Warren is 66 and Rock singer Joey Spampinato is 62.

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August 16th is:  Joe Miller's Joke Day and Natiional Airborne Day.

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Quip for the day..........I once heard a joke about anmesia, but I forgot how it goes.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.........

The insecure viola player arrives home late and discovers police cars and fire trucks everywhere.  His home is burned down to the ground.

A detective tells him, "I'm sorry, but the conductor of the local orchestra, Maestro Putinosky, was here earlier.  He murdered your entire family and set fire to your house."

The viola player is stunned.  Finally, he was able to say, "Are you kidding?  Maestro Putinosky came to my house?"

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In 1943, the Allied conquest of Sicily was completed as U.S. and British forces entered Messina.

In 1960, the newly renamed The Beatles (formerly the Silver Beetles) began their first gig in Hamburg, West Germany, at the Indra Club.

In 1978, the first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight ended as Maxie Anderson, Ben Abruzzo and Larry Newman landed their Double Eagle II outside Paris.

In 1982, the first commercially produced compact disc, a recording of ABBA's "The Visitors," was pressed at a Philips factory near Hanover, West Germany.

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Today-----------Actress Maureen O'Hara is 92, Author V.S. Naipaul is 80, Former MLB All-Star Boog Powell is 71, Actor Robert DeNiro is 69, Movie director Martha Coolidge is 66, Rock musician Gary Talley is 65, Rock musician Sib Hashian is 63, Actor Robert Joy is 61 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Guillermo Villas is 60.

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August 17th is:  Meaning of "Is" Day, National Thrift Shop Day, Men's Grooming Day and Hug Your Boss Day.

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Quip for the day........When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department uses water.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------true......

Two deer hunters, hunting out of season, had been out in the woods for several hours and one of them had been growing uneasy.  Finally, panic overtook him.

"We're lost," he cried to his companion.  "We will never find our way back!"

"Keep your shirt on," his friend said.  "We're going to be fine."

"What do you think we should do?" the frightened one said.

His friend said, "Just shoot a deer.  I promise you, the game warden will be here in less than a minute."

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In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents to be born on American soil, on what is now Roanoke Island in North Carolina.

In 1862, Dakota Indians began an uprising in Minnesota. (The revolt was crushed by U.S. forces some six weeks later.)

In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guaranteed the right of all American women to vote, was ratified as Tennessee became the 36th state to approve it.

In 1963, James Meredith became the first black student to graduate from the University of Mississippi.

In 1969, the Woodstock Music and Art Fair in Bethel, New York, wound to a close after three nights with a mid-morning set by Jimi Hendrix.

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Today-------Former first lady Rosalynn Carter is 85, Academy Award-winning director Roman Polanski is 79, Attorney and author Vincent Bugliosi is 78, Olympic gold medal decathlete Rafer Johnson is 77, Actor-director Robert Redford is 76, Actor Christopher Jones is 71, Actor Henry G. Sanders is 70, Actor-comedian Martin Mull is 69, Rock musician Dennis Elliott is 62 and Comedian Elayne Boosler is 60.

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August 18th is:  Bad Poetry Day, Birth Control Pills Day, International Geocaching Day, Mail Order Catalog Day, Serendipity Day and (World) Daffodil Day.

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Quip for the day...........The secret to looking younger is to be younger.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah.......

The night was dark and gloomy.  A man was walking home on a lonely country road and he was afraid.

Presently he saw the police constable walking ahead of him.  He hurried to catch up.

The constable said, "See here, sir.  I must ask you to accompany me to the police station."

The first man, taken aback, said, "Why?  What did I do?"

The police constable said, "Nothing, but it's scary out here.  I could use some company."

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In 1812, the USS Constitution defeated the British frigate HMS Guerriere off Nova Scotia during the War of 1812, earning the nickname "Old Ironsides."

In 1848, the New York Times reported the discovery of gold in California.

In 1909, the first automobile races were run at the just-opened Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

In 1960, a tribunal in Moscow convicted American U2 pilot Francis Gary Powers of espionage.  (Although sentenced to 10 years imprisonment, Powers was returned to the United States in 1962 as part of a prisoner exchange.)

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Today-------Actor L.Q. Jones is 85, Actress Debra Paget is 79, Former MLB All-Star Bobby Richardson is 77, Actress Diana Muldaur is 74, Rock musician Ginger Baker is 73, Actress Jill St. John is 72, Rock singer Ian Gillan is 67, Actor Jim Carter is 64, Actor Gerald McRaney is 64, Rock musician John Deacon is 61, Actor-director Jonathan Frakes is 60 and Former President Bill Clinton is 66.

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August 19th is:  Aviation Day, "Black Cow" Root Beer Float Day and World Humanitarian Day.

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Quip for the day........Never insult a police officer when he is doing a body cavity search.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------sometimes it doesn't pay to get out of bed.......

Deciding to give his wife a pleasant surprise, a man took home a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy.

"Florence," he said, "put on your best gown.  I'm taking you to dinner at the best place in town and then we'll see a play."

Poor Florence burst into tears.  "It was bad enough to have the baby fall down the back steps and to burn my hand in the kitchen," she sobbed, "but to have you come home drunk is just too much!"

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In 1866, President Andrew Johnson formally declared the Civil War over, months after fighting had stopped.

In 1910, a series of forest fires swept through parts of Idaho, Montana and Washington, killing at least 85 people and burning some 3 million acres.

In 1977, the U.S. launched Voyager 2, an unmanned spacecraft carrying a 12-inch copper phonograph record containing greetings in dozens of languages, samples of music and sounds of nature.

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Today-------Writer-producer-director Walter Bernstein is 93, Boxing promoter Don King is 81, U.S. special envoy George Mitchell is 79, Former MLB All-Star Graig Nettles is 68, Broadcast journalist Connie Chung is 66, Musician Jimmy Pankow (Chicago) is 65, Rock singer Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) is 64 and Country singer Rudy Gatlin is 60.

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August 20th is:  Cupcake Day and International Homeless Animals Day.

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Quip for the day.......If a woman tells you her real age, she will tell you anything.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oops.........

The game warden followed the smell and smoke to a clearing in the woods where he discovered the hunter roasting a spotted owl over a small fire.

"For Heaven's sake!  Is that a spotted owl you're cooking?" he cried.

The hunter shrugged and said, "I guess you've busted me."

The warden said, "I can't believe you would eat an endangered bird.  What on earth does a spotted owl even taste like?"

The hunter considered for a moment, then said, "Well, I would say it's somewhere between a bald eagle and a California condor."

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In 1878, the American Bar Association was founded in Saratoga, NY.

In 1911, Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa" was stolen from the Louvre Museum in Paris.  (It was recovered two years later.)

In 1961, country singer Patsy Cline recorded the Willie Nelson song "Crazy" in Nashville.  (The recording was released in October 1961.)

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Today----Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 80, Singer Kenny Rogers is 74, Actor Clarence Williams III is 73, Rock and Roll musician James Burton is 73, Singer Harold Reid (The Statler Brothers) is 73, Singer Jackie DeShannon is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Willie Lanier is 67, Actress Patty McCormack is 67, Pop singer-musician Carl Giammarese is 65, Actress Loretta Devine is 63, NBC newsman Harry Smith is 61 and Singer Glenn Hughes is 60.

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August 21st is:  Earth Over Shoot Day or Ecological Debt Day, Poet's Day and Senior Citizen's Day.

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Quip for the day............Plan to be spontaneous...............tomorrow.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------got ya........

Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, is hanging out with Daniel Akerson, CEO of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," Gates boasts, "you now would be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour."

He continued, "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas."

He continued, "In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," Akerson says, "but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

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In 1787, inventor John Fitch demonstrated his steamboat on the Delaware River to delegates from the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.

In 1846, Gen. Stephen W. Kearny proclaimed all of New Mexico a terrritory of the United States.

In 1851, the schooner America outraced more than a dozen British vessels off the English coast to win a trophy that came to be known as America's Cup.

In 1989, Black Panthers co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland.  (Gunman Tyrone Robinson was later sentenced to 32 years to life in prison.)

In 1992, on the second day of the Ruby Ridge siege in Idaho, an FBI sharpshooter killed Vicki Weaver, the wife of white separatist Randy Weaver.  (The sharpshooter later said he was targeting the couple's friend Kevin Harris, and didn't see Vicky Weaver.)

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Today-----Heart surgeon Dr. Denton Cooley is 92, Retired Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf is 78, Broadcast journalist Morton Dean is 77, Author Annie Prouix is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Carl Yastrzemski is 73, Actress Valerie Harper is 73, Football coach Bill Parcells is 71, CBS newsman Steve Kroft is 67 and Actress Cindy Williams is 65.

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August 22nd is:  Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day and Be An Angel Day.

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Quip for the day............Think about this one:  If the good die young, what does that say about senior citizens?

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Larryj