another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----yippee.......

Harry and Barbara's marriage has been on the rocks for a while, but at least they're working on it.  When they heard about a marriage seminar a short drive away, they decided to attend.

"One of the most important things in any marriage," the speaker said, "is for both spouses to know each other really well."

He paused, for effect, then said, "Let's try a little experiment.  How many of the gentlemen here can tell me what their wife's favorite flower is?"

Harry shot to his feet and raised his hand.  "I know!  I know!" he said.

"Yes?"  the speaker said.

Harry replied, proudly, "It's Gold Medal All-Purpose Flour!"

________________________________________________

In 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present-day Americas.

In 1921, baseball commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis refused to reinstate the former Chicago White Sox players implicated in the "Black Sox" scandal, despite their acquittals in a jury trial.

In 1936, Jesse Owens of the United States won the first of his four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he won the 100-meter sprint.

In 1943, Gen. George S. Patton slapped a private at an army hospital in Sicily, accusing him of cowardice.  (Patton was later ordered by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower to apologize for this and a second, similar episode.)

In 1966, comedian Lenny Bruce, 40, was found dead in his Los Angeles home.

____________________________________________________

Today-----------Author P.D. James is 92, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Marv Levy is 87, Actor Martin Sheen is 72, College and Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Lance Alworth is 72, Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is 71, Singer Beverly Lee is 71, Rock musician B.B. Dickerson is 63, Movie director John Landis is 62, Actor Jay North is 61, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Marcel Dionne is 61 and Singer Tony Bennett is 86.

____________________________________________________

August 3rd is:  Braham Pie Day and Watermelon Day.

____________________________________________________

Quip for the day.......A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------old, funny........

Agnes is behind the wheel.  Matilda is in the passenger seat.  They're so small they barely can see over the dashboard.  They're headed down the road.

They run a red light.  Matilda thinks, "I must be losing it.  I could swear we just went through a red light."

They run another one.  Matilda thinks, "Am I seeing things?"

She watches carefully.  They run another one.  She blurts out, "Agnes!  You just ran three red lights in a row!  Are you trying to kill us?"

Agnes says, "Oh, my goodness!  Am I driving?"

___________________________________________________

In 1790, the Coast Guard had its beginnings as the Revenue Cutter Service.

In 1936, Jesse Owens of the U.S. won the second of his four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he prevailed in the long jump over German Carl-Ludwig "Luz" Long.

In 1944, 15-year-old diarist Anne Frank was arrested with her sister, parents and four others by the Gestapo after hiding for two years inside a building in Amsterdam.  (Anne died the following year at Bergen-Belsen.)

In 1977, President Jimmy Carter signed a measure establishing the Department of Energy.

In 1987, the Federal Communications Commission woted to abolish the Fairness Doctrine, which required radio and television stations to present balanced coverage.

____________________________________________

Today------Journalist Helen Thomas is 92, Singer Frankie Ford is 73, Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 68 and Football Hall-of-Famer John Riggins is 63.

____________________________________________

August 4th is:  Coast Guard Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Mustard Day, Single Working Women's Day and Social Security Day.

____________________________________________

Quip for the day........They say we gain strength from our mistakes..........I must be able to lift a Buick!

____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----entitled "Cowboy wisdom"...........

Don't squat with yer spurs on.

Never smack a man who's chewing tobacco.

There's two ways to argue with a woman.  Neither one works.

When in doubt, let yer horse do the thinkin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Worry is like a rockin' horse.  It don't get you anywhere.

If you find yerself in a hole, stop digging.

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.

________________________________________

In 1884, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty's pedestal was laid on Bedloe's Island in New York Harbor.

In 1921, a baseball game was broadcast for the first time as KDKA radio announcer Harold Arlin described the action between the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Philadelphia Phillies from Forbes Field.  (The Pirates won, 6-5.)

In 1961, the amusement park Six Flags Over Texas had its official grand opening day in Arlington.

In 1962, actress Marilyn Monroe, 36, was found dead in her Los Angeles home; her death was ruled a probable suicide from "acute barbiturate poisoning."

In 1981, the federal government began firing air traffic controllers who had gone out on strike.

_____________________________________________

Today--------Former astronaut Neil A. Armstrong is 82, Actor John Saxon is 76, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Roman Gabriel is 72, Country songwriter Bobby Braddock is 72, Rock musician Rick Huxley (The Dave Clark Five) is 72, Actress Loni Anderson is 67, Actress Erika Slezak is 66, Rock musician Rick Derringer is 65 and Actress Holly Palance is 62.

_____________________________________________

August 5th is:  Assistance Dog Day, Friendship Day, International Beer Day (I'll drink to that), National Doll Day, National Kid's Day, National Underwear Day and Sister's Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day..............It's bad luck to be superstitious.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah.........

Bob is 70 and extremely wealthy.  He shows up at the country club with an extremely attractive young woman on his arm.  His buddies take him aside.  One asked, "Bob, how does a 70-year-old codger like you get a girlfriend like that?"

Bob says, "She's not my girlfriend.  She's my wife."

The buddies are even more astonished.  One asks, "How on earth does a 70-year-old geezer like you get a woman like that to marry you?"

Bob replies, "I lied about my age."

One of the buddies asks, "What did you tell her?  That you're 50?"

Bob says, with a wink, "No, I told her I'm 90."

________________________________________________

In 1862, the Confederate ironclad CSS Arkansas was scuttled by its crew on the Mississippi River near Baton Rouge, Louisiana, to prevent capture by the Union.

In 1926, Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Clannel, arriving in Kingsdown, England, from France in 14 1/2 hours.

In 1932, the first Venice Film Festival opened with a screening of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" starring Fredic March.

In 1945, during World War II, the United States dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, resulting in an estimated 140,000 deaths.

In 1956, the DuMont television network went off the air after a decade of operations.

________________________________________________

Today------Jazz musician Charlie Haden is 75, Actor-director Peter Bonerz is 74, Actor Dorian Harewood is 62 and Actress Catherine Hicks is 61.

________________________________________________

August 6th is:  Hiroshima Day and National Fresh Breath (Halitosis) Day.

________________________________________________

Quip for the day........Age is only important if you are wine or cheese.

________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------I know how that is............

Anders bought his wife Olga a piano for her birthday.  A few weeks later, their friend Lars asked him, "How did Olga like the piano?"

Anders said, "Oh, she took to it right away, let me tell you."

Lars:  "That's wonderful.  Does she play often?"

Anders:  "No, we got rid of it."

Lars, surprised:  "I thought you said she loved it."

Anders:  "She did, but I persuaded her to switch to the clarinet."

Lars:  "How come?"

Anders:  "Well, because with the clarinet she can't sing."

__________________________________________

In 1882, the famous feud between the Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky erupted into full-scale violence.

In 1942, U.S. and other allied forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during World War II.  (Japanese forces abandoned the island the following February.)

In 1959, the United States launched the Explorer 6 satellite, which sent back images of Earth.

__________________________________________

Today------------Writer-producer Stan Freberg is 86, Magician, author and lecturer James Randi is 84, Former MLB pitcher Don Larsen is 83, Bluesman Magic Slim is 75, Actress Verna Bloom is 73, Humorist Garrison Keillor is 70, Singer B.J. Thomas is 70, FBI Director Robert Mueller is 68, Actor John Glover is 68, Actor David Rasche is 68, Former diplomat, talk show host and activist Alan Keyes is 62, Country singer Rodney Crowell is 62, Actress Caroline Aaron is 60 and Comedian Alexei Sayle is 60.

__________________________________________

August 7th is:  Lighthouse Day, National Night Out, Particularly Preposterous Packing Day, Professional Speakers Day and Purple Heart Day.

__________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Diplomacy is when a man remembers his wife's birthday, but never remembers her age.

__________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oopsies..........

A young businessman started his own company.  He rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated.  Sitting there one day at his magnificent desk, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started pretending he was working on a big deal.  He shouted out huge figures, made lots of giant projections and promised a great number of eye-popping results.

Meanwhile, he motioned his visitor to come in and sit down.  Finally, he finished his fake phone conversation and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"  The visitor said, "Yep, I'm here to hook up your telephone."

_______________________________________________

In 1890, The Daughters Of The American Revolution was founded.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced his resignation, effective the next day, following damaging new revelations in the Watergate scandal.

_______________________________________________

Today--------Actress Esther Williams is 91, Actor Richard Anderson is 86, Joan Mondale, wife of former Vice President Walter F. Mondale, is 82, Actress Nina Talbot is 82, Singer Mel Tillis is 80, Actor Dustin Hoffman is 75, Actress Connie Stevens is 74, Actor Larry Wilcox is 65, Actor Keith Carradine is 63, R&B singer Airrion Love is 63, Country singer Jamie O'Hara is 62 and TV personality Robin Quivers is 60.

_______________________________________________

August 8th is:  The Date To Create, Happiness Happens Day, Odie Day (Garfield's Pal) and Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbors Porch Night.

_______________________________________________

Quip for the day........If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

_______________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----another one.......

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with a hair dryer. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Within the hour, the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father, less than calmly, blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

________________________________________________

In 1936, Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal at the Berlin Olympics as the United States took first place in the 400-meter relay.

In 1945, three days after the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, Japan, the United States exploded a nuclear device over Nagasaki, killing an estimated 74,000 people.

In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's Los Angeles home; cult leader Charles Manson and a group of his followers were later convicted of the crime.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon and his family left the White House as his resignation took effect.  Vice President Gerald R. Ford became the nation's 38th chief executive.

_______________________________________________

Today-----------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Cousy is 84, Tennis Hall-of-Famer Rod Laver is 74, Jazz musician Jack DeJohnette is 70, Comedian-director David Steinberg is 70, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Ken Norton is 69, Singer Barbara Mason is 65, Former MLB All-star pitcher Bill Campbell is 64 and College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player John Cappelletti is 60.

_______________________________________________

August 9th is:  International Day Of The World's Indigenous People and Veep Day.

_______________________________________________

Quip for the day...........Start every day with a smile............and get it over with.

_______________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny......

Headstone in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah.  I wonder if the guy died knowing he had won the "Coolest Headstone" contest?

FIVE RULES FOR MEN

1.  Choose a woman who knows how to work.
2.  Choose a woman who can make you laugh.
3.  Choose a woman you can trust.
4.  Choose a woman who is affectionate and likes to be with you.
5.  Above all, make sure these four women never meet or you will wind up dead like me.

________________________________________

In 1680, Pueblo Indians launched a successful revolt against Spanish colonists in present-day New Mexico.

In 1921, Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home on the Canadian Island of Campobello.

In 1962, Marvel Comics superhero Spider-Man made his debut in issue 15 of "Amazing Fantasy" (cover price: 12 cents.)

In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their Los Angeles home by members of Charles Manson's cult, one day after actress Sharon Tate and four other people had been slain.

_________________________________________

Today-------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 89, Actor-director Tom Laughlin ("Billy Jack") is 81, Singer Ronnie Spector is 69, Actor James Reynolds is 66, Rock singer-musician Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull) is 65, Country musician Gene Johnson (Diamond Rio) is 63, Singer Patti Austin is 62 and Actor Daniel Hugh Kelly is 60.

_________________________________________

August 10th is:  National Duran Duran Appreciation Day, Smithsonian Day and S'mores Day.

_________________________________________

Quip for the day........Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

_________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------true........

They say that some lawyers have good hearts.  That some lawyers are motivated by the desire to do good in the world.  That some lawyers aren't out for the fast buck.

I'm sure it must be true........

On the other hand, let me tell you a story.

A buddy of mine went to an attorney in town and asked, "How much do you charge?"

The attorney asked for his card, tucked it in his pocket, then replied, "I charge $500 for three questions."

My friend gasped and said, "That's awfully steep, isn't it?"

The attorney said, "Yes.  Now, what's your final question?  And will you be paying by check or put it on your card?"

________________________________________________

In 1860, the nation's first successful silver mill began operation near Virginia City, Nevada.

In 1909, the steamship SS Arapahoe became the first ship in North America to issue an S.O.S. distress signal, off North Carolina's Cape Hatteras.

In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at Alcatraz Island (a former military prison) in San Francisco Bay.

In 1965, rioting and looting that claimed 34 lives broke out in the predominately black Watts section of Los Angeles.

_________________________________________________

Today------Actress Arlene Dahl is 84, Songwriter-producer Kenny Gamble is 69, Rock musician Jim Kale (Guess Who) is 69, Magazine columnist Marilyn Vos Savant is 66, Country singer John Conlee is 66 and singer Eric Carmen is 63.

_________________________________________________

August 11th is:  Kool-Aid Day, Ingersoll Day and National Garage Sale Day.

_________________________________________________

Quip for the day............They hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

_________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah........

A landlord confronted his tenant, the artist, and demanded payment for several months of past-due rent.

Artist:  "I am so sorry.  I cannot afford to pay just yet.  But I have a number of important projects in the works.  Can you have a little patience?"

Landlord:  "I've run out of patience with you."

Artist:  "Please.  You won't regret it.  Just think, some day people will stop here and say, 'This is where the great painter, Jacques Yablonsky once lived!'"

Landlord:  "If you don't pay up today, they can drop by tomorrow and say that!"

__________________________________________

In 1898, fighting in the Spanish-American War came to an end.

In 1943, Larry Jordan was born.

In 1960, the first balloon communications satellite -- the Echo 1 -- was launched by the United States from Cape Canaveral.

In 1981, IBM introduced its first personal computer, the model 5150, at a press conference in New York.

In 1985, the world's worst single-aircraft disaster occurred as a crippled Japan Air Lines plane on a domestic flight crashed into a mountain, killing 520 people.  (Four people survived.)

In 1992, after 14 months of negotiations, the United States, Mexico and Canada announced in Washington that they had concluded the North American Free Trade Agreement.

_________________________________________________

Today------------Former Senator Dale Bumpers, D-Ark., is 87, Actor George Hamilton is 73, Actress Dana Ivey is 71, Actress Jennifer Warren is 71, All around nice guy Larry Jordan is 69, Rock musician Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 63, Actor Jim Beaver is 62 and Singer Kid Creole is 62.

_________________________________________________

August 12th is:  IBM PC Day, International Youth Day, Sewing Machine Day and Vinyl Record Day.

_________________________________________________

Quip for the day............When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through."

_________________________________________________

Larryj