another slice of wry

[Diane Amberg]

I love any kind of word play. Years ago my girlfriend Judy was setting her table for company and I was helping her. She asked me to get  out the seaford fooks  since we were having shrimp cocktails. My sister often served post rot and was afraid of the lunder and thightning. Some actually work ...write typers and flutter bys.  Such fun!

[larryJ]

Today's--------oldie but goodie......

An American tourist in London had spent a bit too much time in the pub before boarding one of the city's double-decker buses.  The driver got one whiff of him and suggested, "Why don't you find a seat upstairs and enjoy the fresh air?"

The American complied, but soon climbed back down and looked for a downstairs seat.

"What's the matter?" the driver asked.  "Didn't you like the view?"

The American said, "Ish great. But ish not safe up there.  There'sh no driver!"

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In 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died in Mount McGregor, NY, at age 63.

In 1942, Harry James and his Orchestra recorded "I Had the Craziest Dream" in Hollywood for Columbia Records.

In 1962, the first public TV transmissions over Telstar 1 took place during a special program featuring live shots beamed from the United States to Europe, and vice versa.

In 1982, actor Vic Morrow and two child actors, 7-year-old Myca Dinh Le and 6-year-old Renee Shin-Yi Chen, were killed when a helicopter crashed on top of them during filming of a Vietnam War scene for "Twilight Zone:  The Movie."  (Director John Landis and four associates were later acquitted of manslaughter charges.)

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Today-------Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 76, Actor Ronny Cox is 74, Radio personality Don Imus is 72, Country singer Tony Joe White is 69, Rock singer David Essex is 65, Rock musician Blair Thornton (Bachman Turner Overdrive) is 62 and Actress Edie McClurg is 61.

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July 23rd is:  Gorgeous Grandma Day and (appropriately enough) Hot Enough For Ya Day.

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Quip for the day...........WARNING!  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah....

Pastor Nigel Ramsey of London was driving in Ireland when he was rear-ended by the local parish priest, Father Seamus O'Rourke.  It was a minor fender-bender, and no one was hurt.

The two men parked off the road and exchanged information.  Just then, Patrolman Rory Mulroney pulled up behind them.  He studied the two cars, then took notes from the English clergyman, then turned to the Irish priest and said, "Tell me, Father O'Rourke, how fast do you estimate this fellow was going when he backed into you?"

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In 1847, Mormon leader Brigham Young and his followers arrived in the Great Salt Lake Valley in present-day Utah.

In 1866, Tennessee became the first state to be readmitted to the Union after the Civil War.

In 1911, Yale University history professor Hiram Bingham III found the "Lost City of the Incas," Machu Picchu in Peru.

In 1969, the Apollo 11 astronauts -- two of whom had been the first men to set foot on the moon -- splashed down safely in the Pacific.

In 1974, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon had to turn over subpoenaed White House tape recordings to the Watergate special prosecutor.

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Today------Actress Jacqueline Brookes is 82, Actor John Aniston (TV: "Days of Our Lives") is 79, Political cartoonist Pat Oliphant is 77, Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 76, Actor Mark Goddard is 76, Actor Chris Sarandon is 70, Comedian Gallagher is 66, Actor Robert Hays is 65, Actor Michael Richards is 63, Actress Lynda Carter is 61 and Movie director Gus Van Sant is 60.

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July 24th is:  Church of Latter Day Saints Pioneer Day or Mormon Pioneer Day, Cousins Day, National Drive-thru Day, National Tequila Day and Tell An Old Joke Day.

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Quip for the day............Having one child makes you a parent.....having two makes you a referee.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oops.........

If my cat Willie does not come in before dark, I go in the backyard and call out, "Willie!  Willie! Come on, sweetheart.  It's time to go night-night!  Willie!"

Apparently my voice carries.

One morning a man came to my door.  He said he had a favor to ask me.  It would help him keep the peace in his family.  He explained.  His wife was quite upset about something.

I said, "Yes?"

He said, "I live two doors over.  My name is Willie."

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In 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army of the United States, the first officer to hold the rank.

In 1952, Puerto Rico became a self-governing commonwealth of the United States.

In 1960, a Woolworth's store in Greensboro, NC, that had been the scene of a sit-in protest against its whites-only lunch counter dropped its segregation policy.

In 1972, the notorious Tuskegee syphilis experiment came to light as the The Associated Press reported that for the previous four decades, the U.S. Public Health Service, in conjunction with the Tuskegee Institute in Alabama, had been allowing poor, rural black male patients with syphilis to go without treatment, even allowing them to die, as a way of studying the disease.

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Today---------Actress Barbara Harris is 77, Rock musician Jim McCarty (The Yardbirds) is 69 and Rock musician Verdine White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 61.

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July 25th is:  Carousel Day or Merry-Go-Round Day and Thread The Needle Day.

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Quip for the day.......I can rise and shine..........just not at the same time.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------old, and another oops........

Marvin was sick in the hospital.  His pastor joins a group of family members already in the room.  Marvin struggles to say something, but can't.  In fact, his condition seems to deteriorate rapidly.  He makes frantic writing motions.  A nurse hands him pen and paper.  He scrawls something on the paper, folds it, hands it to the pastor, then promptly dies.

Shocked, everyone turns to the pastor.  What were Marvin's last words?

The pastor unfolds the note and reads aloud:  "You're standing on my oxygen hose!"

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In 1775, Benjamin Franklin became America's first postmaster general.

In 1908, U.S. Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte ordered creation of a force of special agents that was a forerunner of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed the National Security Act, which established the National Military Establishment (later renamed the Department of Defense.)

In 1971, Apollo 15 was launched from Cape Kennedy on America's fourth manned mission to the moon.

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush signed the Americans with Disabilities Act.

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Today------Actress Marjorie Lord is 94, Actor James Best is 86, Actress-singer Darlene Love is 71, Singer Brenton Wood is 71, Rock star Mick Jagger is 69, Movie director Peter Hyams is 69, Actress Helen Mirren is 67, Rock musician Roger Taylor is 63 and Actress Susan George is 62.

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July 26th is:  National Chili Dog Day and One Voice.

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Quip for the day.......I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one....

A lot of songs from the 1960s should be updated and retitled for aging baby boomers.  For example:

Herman's Hermits:  "Mrs. Brown, you've got a lovely walker."
The Beatles:  "(I Get By) With a Little Help from Depends."
Robert Flack:  "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face."
Paul Simon:  "(There Must be) 50 Ways to Lose Your Liver."
Leo Sayer:  "You Make Me Feel Like Napping."
Helen Reddy:  "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore."
Leslie Gore:  "It's My Procedure (and I'll Cry If I Want To)."

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In 1909, during the first official test of the U.S. Army's first airplane, Orville Wright flew himself and a passenger, Lt. Frank Lahm, above Fort Myer, VA., for one hour and 12 minutes.

In 1953, the Korean War armistice was signed at Panmunjom, ending three years of fighting.

In 1981, 6-year-old Adam Walsh was abducted from a department store in Hollywood, Florida, and was later murdered.  (His father, John Walsh, became a well-known crime victims advocate.)

In 1996, terror struck the Atlanta Olympics as a pipe bomb exploded at Centennial Olympic Park, directly killing one person and injuring 111.  (Anti-goverment extremist Eric Rudolph later pleading guilty to the bombing.)

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Today------------TV producer Norman Lear is 90, Actor Jerry Van Dyke is 81, Sportscaster Irv Cross is 73, Actor John Pleshette is 70, Singer Bobbie Gentry is 68, Actress-director Betty Thomas is 64, Olympic Gold-Medal figure skater Peggy Fleming is 64, Singer Maureen McGovern is 63 and Actress Janet Eilber is 61.

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July 27th is:  Barbie-in-a-blender Day, Lumberjack Day, National Korean War Veterans Day, National Talk In An Elevator Day, Take Your Houseplants For A Walk Day, Walk On Stilts Day and SYSTEMS ADMIMISTRATOR APPRECIATION DAY.

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Quip for the day......."Because I'm SMOKING hot" is not the answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.....

As the flight gets under way, the pilot's voice comes over the public address system to greet his passengers.  He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrrival time, a bit about the weather and advises them to relax and have a good flight.  Then, forgetting to turn off his microphone, he says to the co-pilot, "You know what would make me relax right now?  A cup of coffee and a nice back massage from that new stewardess."

The flight crew is horrified.  One of the stewardesses runs toward the cockpit to advise the pilot of his boo-boo.

One of the passengers calls out to her,  "Don't forget the coffee!"

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In 1914, World War I began as Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia.

In 1932, federal troops acting at the order of President Herbert Hoover dispersed the "Bonus Army" of WWI veterans who had gathered by the thousands to demand money they weren't scheduled to receive until 1945.

In 1945, a U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New York's Empire State Building, killing 14 people.

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Today------Movie director Andrew V. McLagien is 92, Actor Darryl Hickman is 81, Ballet dancer-choreographer Jacques d'Amboiseis is 78, Musical conductor Riccardo Muti is 71, Former Senator and NBA Hall-of-Famer Bill Bradley is 69, "Garfield" creator Jim Davis is 67, Singer Jonathan Edwards is 66, Actress Linda Kelsey is 66, TV producer Dick Ebersol is 65, Actress Sally Struthers is 64 and Actress Georgia Engel is 64.

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July 28th is:  Buffalo Soldiers Day, National Dance Day, National Day Of The Cowboy, National Milk Chocolate Day, Paddle For Perthes Disease Day and World Hepatitis Day.

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Quip for the day.............My in-laws are amazing.  They can go from zero to irritating in under 60 seconds!

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NOTICE:  I (OOPS WE) ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEKEND TO CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY.  NO IN-LAWS, NO PETS, NO GRANDKIDS......JUST US.  THE JURY IS OUT ON TAKING ALONG THE COMPUTER.  CAN I SURVIVE TWO DAYS WITHOUT IT?  OH WELL, IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM ME UNTIL TUESDAY, I AM FINE AND WILL RESUME THIS THREAD WHEN I GET BACK.  IF I DO DECIDE TO TAKE THE COMPUTER, THEN I WILL POST THIS THREAD AS USUAL.  MEANWHILE, IN ANTICIPATION OF THOSE OF YOU WHO WILL OFFER CONGRATULATIONS TO US, THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!  TO THOSE WHO DON'T.............    

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------OK, back to work.......

There was this husband and wife who bickered constantly.  She complained about his drinking.  He blamed her nagging on his drinking.  This went on for years.  They never gave each other a minute's peace.

One night she decided to give him a scare.  She dressed up as the devil and waited for him to arrive home.

The husband came home late as usual.  He had stopped at the pub after work.

The wife jumped out at him in her devil costume.  She said in deep voice, "Now you must pay for your sins!"

The husband wobbled a bit on his feet, struggled to focus, then said, "Lushifer, you can't shcare me!  I'm married to your shister!"

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In 1777, the Marquis de Lafayette, a 19-year-old French nobleman, was made a major-general in the American Continental Army.

In 1930, the radio character "The Shadow" made his debut as narrator of the "Detective Story Hour" on CBS Radio.

In 1957, the Distant Early Warning Line, a system of radar stations designed to detect Soviet bombers approaching North America, went into operation.

In 1964, the American space probe Ranger 7 reached the moon, transmitting pictures back to Earth before crashing onto the lunar surface.

In 1971, Apollo 15 crew members David Scott and James Irwin became the first astronauts to use a lunar rover on the surface of the moon.

In 1991, President George H.W. Bush and Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty in Moscow.

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Today--------Actor Don Murray is 83, Jazz composer-musician Kenny Burrell is 81, Actor Geoffrey Lewis is 77, Actress France Nuyen is 73, Singer Lobo is 69, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 68, Former movie studio executive Sherry Lansing is 68, Actor Lane Davies is 62, Intenational Tennis Hall-of-Famer Evonne Goolagong Cawley is 61, Actor Barry Van Dyke is 61 and Actor Alan Autry is 60.

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July 31st is:  Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day............Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------DUH!...........

It had been a long day for the traveling businessman.  He had been in meetings all day.  He was exhausted when he arrived back at his hotel.

He walked to the elevator, then hesitated, backed away and walked to the front desk.  "Excuse me," he said to the young clerk.  "My mind is frazzled.  Can you tell me what room I'm in?"

The clerk smiled and said, "Wow, you really don't know what room you're in?"

The businessman was in no mood for banter.  "That's right," he said, irritated.  "That's why I asked for your help.  Can you tell me what room I'm in?"

The clerk said, "Sir, you're in the lobby!"

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In 1907, the U.S. Army Signal Corps established an aeronautical division, the forerunner of the U.S. Air Force.

In 1911, Harriet Quimby became the first woman to receive a U.S. pilot's certificate from the Aero Club of America.

In 1912, the U.S. Marine Corps' first pilot, Lt. Alfred A. Cunningham, went on his first solo flight as he took off in a Burgess/Curtiss Hydroplane from Marblehead Harbor in Massachusetts.

In 1966, Charles Joseph Whitman, 25, went on a shooting rampage at the University of Texas in Austin, killing 14 people.  Whitman, who had also murdered his wife and mother hours earlier, was gunned down by police.

In 1971, the Concert for Bangladesh, organized by George Harrison and Ravi Shankar, took place at New York's Madison Square Garden.

In 1981, the rock music video channel MTV made its debut.

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Today------Actor-director Geoffrey Holder is 82, Singer Ramblin' Jack Elliot is 81, Actor Giancarlo Giannini is 70 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Roy Williams is 62.

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August 1st is:  Girlfriends Day, National Minority Donor Awareness Day, Respect For Parents Day, Rounds Resounding Day, Spiderman Day, U.S. Air Force Day and World Wide Web Day.

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Quip for the day............The closet thing I had to a brainstorm, was a slow drizzle.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------dumb....

Victor had been spending all his time on a secret project.  His friend Ruben kept asking him about it, but Victor was tight-lipped.

Finally, though, Victor completed his work.  He showed it to Ruben.  It was a $17 bill.  "I made it myself," Victor said.

Ruben examined it on both sides.  He said, "It's beautiful work.  An excellent forgery.  But you're never going to get anyone to take a $17 bill."

Victor said, "You want to bet?  I'll take it to the deli on the corner right now and get change.  I'll be right back."

He returned with a big smile, and said, "The guy changed it! And he only charged me a $2 fee."

Ruben said, "So you got $15 back?"

Victor said, "Check it out.  A $3 and a $12!"

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In 1776, members of the Continental Congress began attaching their signatures to the Declaratiion of Independence.

In 1876, frontiersman "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, by Jack McCall, who was later hanged.

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Today--------Former Sen. Paul Laxalt, R-Nev., is 90, Actor Peter O'Toole is 80, Rock musician Garth Hudson (The Band) is 75, Movie director Wes Craven is 73, Singer Kathy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 69, Actor Max Wright is 69, Actress Joanna Cassidy is 67 and Actress Kathryn Harrold is 62.

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August 2nd is:  Dinosaurs Day, Gymnastics Day and Ice Cream Sandwich Day.

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Quip for the day...........Young at heart..............some parts slightly older.

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Larryj