another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------A beautiful Sunday.........

My pastor has a sarcastic streak.  Let me give you an example.

Last week he stood up to the pulpit, raised both arms and welcomed the congregation.  He smiled broadly and said, "Brothers and sisters, I have good news.  We have enough money on hand to fund our entire building program for the year, with enough surplus to accomplish other great things!"

There was a loud murmur of approval as everyone in the congregation smiled and exchanged proud looks with one another.

But then the pastor scowled, and announced, "I have bad news, too.  That money of which I spoke?  It's still out there in your pockets."

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In 1807, a grand jury in Richmond, Virginia, indicted former Vice President Aaron Burr on charges of treason and high misdemeanor.  (He was later acquitted.)

In 1948, Communist forces cut off all land and water routes between West Germany and West Berlin, prompting the Berlin Airlift.

In 1948, the Republican National Convention meeting in Philadelphia, nominated New York Gov. Thomas E. Dewey for president.

In 1975, 113 people were killed when an Eastern Airlines jet crashed while attempting to land during a thunderstorm at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.

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Today-----Actor Al Molinaro is 93, Comedian Jack Carter is 89, Actress Michele Lee is 70, Actor-director Georg Stanford Brown is 69, Rock musician Jeff Beck is 68, Singer Arthur Brown is 68, Rock singer Colin Blunstone (The Zombies) is 67, Musician Mick Fleetwood is 65, Actor-director-teacher Peter Weller is 65, Rock musician John Illsley (Dire Straits) is 63 and Actress Nancy Allen is 62.

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June 24th is:  America's Kids Day, Descendants Day, Celebration Of The Senses, International Fairy Day and Log Cabin Day.

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Quip for the day.....Start every day with a smile............and get over it. Or, Let a smile be your umbrella and get a faceful of rain.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------hah........

The poor guy didn't understand why he couldn't keep a job.

He got written up all the time for his bad attitude.  His bosses always told him he didn't show respect.  Then, sooner or later, the fired him.

His last job had ended like all the others.  He was still sore about it.  He had done nothing wrong.

He showed up at the office one day at 8:30.  His boss yelled at him:  "You should have been here at 8!"

He replied, very respectfully, "Why?  What happened at 8?"

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In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his 7th Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of the Little Big Horn in Montana.

In 1910, President William Howard Taft signed the White-Slave Traffic Act, more popularly known as the Mann Act, which made it illegal to transport women across state lines for "immoral" purposes.

In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," in Los Angeles at age 50 and actress Farah Fawcett in Santa Monica at age 62.

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Today-----------Actress June Lockhart is 87, Rhythm-and-blues singer Eddie Floyd is 75, Actress Barbara Montgomery is 73, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Willis Reed is 70, Singer Carly Simon is 67, Actor-comedian Jimmie Walker is 65, Actor-director Michael Lembeck is 64, TV personality Phylllis George is 63 and Rock singer Tim Finn is 60.

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June 25th is:  Color TV Day (CBS) and Please Take My Children To Work Day.

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Quip for the day........I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hee.......

There's a waiter at my favorite restaurant and he's OK, I guess, but what a comedian!

Maybe he's just waiting tables until he gets his big break in standup comedy.  I don't know.

The other night I asked about the specials and he said, "You should try the chicken."

I said, "Hmm, the chicken.  How is it prepared?"

The waiter said, "Oh, we're very upfront about that.  We tell the chicken right away that he's not going to make it."

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In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated for a second term of office by delegates to the Democratic national convention in Philadelphia.

In 1948, the Berlin Airlift began in earnest after the Soviet Union cut off land and water routes to the isolated sector of Berlin.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he famously declared, "Ich bin ein Berliner" (I am a Berliner).

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush went back on his "no-new-taxes" campaign pledge, conceding that tax increases would have to be included in any deficit-reduction package worked out with congressional negotiators.

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Today------------Actress Eleanor Parker is 90, Jazz musician--film composer Dave Grusin is 78, Actor Josef Summer is 78, Singer Billy Davis Jr. is 72, Rock singer Georgie Fame is 69, Actor Clive Francis is 66, Rhythm-and-blues singer Brenda Holloway is 66, Actor Michael Paul Chan is 62 and Actor Robert Davi is 61.

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June 26th is:  International Day Against Drug Abuse And Illicit Trafficking, International Day In Support Of Victims Of Torture and National Columnists Day.

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Quip for the day........I cook with wine.......and sometimes I add it to the food.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------should have been more specific....

Barry and Beatrice, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching public television.  They're watching a special about old couples making end-of-life decisions and preparations.

"Honey," Barry says, turning to his wife with a solemn expression, "I want you to promise me, if there ever comes a time when I am just propped up uselessly, dependent on some machine and feeding on bottled fluids, that you will put an end to it."

Beatrice looks Barry in the eyes, nods her head compassionately, and says, "I will, dear, I promise."

Then she stands up, turns off the TV, grabs the beer out of Barry's hand, walks to the kitchen and dumps it down the drain.

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In 1844, Mormon leader Joseph Smith and his brother, Hyrum, were killed by a mob in Carthage, IL.

In 1893, the New York stock market crashed.

In 1950, the U.N. Security Council passed a resolution calling on member nations to help South Korea repel an invasion from the North.

In 1972, the video-game company Atari Inc. was founded by Nolan Bushnell and Ted Dabney in Santa Clara, CA.

In 1977, the Supreme Court struck down state laws and bar association rules that prohibited lawyers from advertising their fees for routine services.

In 1985, the legendary Route 66, which originally stretched from Chicago to Santa Monica, passed into history as officials decertified the road.

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Today-------Business executive Ross Perot is 82, Former Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt is 74, Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (The Beach Boys) is 70, Fashion designer Vera Wang is 63 and Actress Julia Duffy is 61.

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June 27th is:  Decide To Be Married Day, "Happy Birthday To You" Day, Industrial Workers Of The World Day and National HIV Testing Day.

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Quip for the day............Men say women should come with instructions.  What's the point?  They don't read them anyway.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------oopsies............

A photographer for one of the big East Coast newspapers races to the airport to catch a small plane for a job.  He arrives at the appointed gate, gets waved through, and hops aboard the first plane he sees there.

"Hit it," he says.

The pilot takes off, then asks, "Where are we going?"

Photographer says, "South."

Awhile later they see signs of a massive weather system straight ahead.  The plane starts rocking.  The pilot says, "You know there's a hurricane over Florida."

Photographer says, "That's where we're going.  I have to shoot pictures for the paper."

After a long pause, the pilot says, with a shaky voice, "You mean you're not my flight instructor?"

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In 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and his wife, Sophie, were assassinated in Sarajevo by Serb nationalist Gavrilo Princip -- the event which sparked World War I.

In 1919, the Treaty of Versailles was signed in France, ending World War I.

In 1978, the Supreme Court ordered the University of California-Davis Medical School to admit Allan Bakke, a white man who argued he'd been a victim of reverse racial discrimination.

In 2000, seven months after he was cast adrift in the Florida Straits, Elian Gonzalez was returned to his native Cuba.

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Today---------Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 86, Comedian-impressionist John Byner is 75, Rock musician Dave Knights is 67, Actor Bruce Davison is 66 and Actress Kathy Bates is 64.

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June 28th is:  National Bomb Pop Day and National Handshake Day.

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Quip for the day...........Stewardess announcement:  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this plane."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------from David Letterman.......

WHY WE SHOULD BE PROUD TO BE AMERICANS...........

The complimentary TSA groping.

Other countries don't have one Dakota......we have two.

Land of the free, home of the fattest people on Earth.

All the best extreme couponers live here.

Our presidents were born in America.........or possibly Kenya.

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In 1972, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Furman v. Georgia, Jackson v. Georgia and Branch v. Texas, struck down a trio of death sentences, saying the way they had been imposed constituted cruel and unusual punishment.  (The ruling prompted states to effectively impose a moratorium on executions until their capital punishment laws could be revised.)

In 1988, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Morrison v. Olson, upheld the independent counsel law in a 7-1 decision (the sole dissenter was Justice Antonin Scalia.)

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Today-------------Movie producer Robert Evans is 82, Songwriter L. Russell Brown is 72, Actor Gary Busey is 68, Comedian Richard Lewis is 65, Actor-turned-politician-turned-radio personality Fred Grandy is 64 and Rock musician Ian Palce (Deep Purple) is 64.

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June 29th is:  Camera Day, Remote Control Day, Spare Us The Details Day and Waffle Iron Day.

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Quip for the day..........In America anyone can be president.  That's one of the risks you take.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------yep.........

A visitor from the Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and said, "You know, our flag is red, white and blue, like yours."

The American smiled and replied, "Yes, that's right."

The Dutchman then said, joking, "You might not know it, but our flag symbolizes our tax system."

The American said, "How do you mean?"

The Dutchman replied, "We get red when we talk about taxes.  We get white when we get our tax bills.  And then we're blue after we pay them."

The American laughed and replied, "That's the same with us.  Only we see stars, too!"

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In 1859, French acrobat Charles Blondin walked back and forth on a tightrope above the gorge of Niagara Falls before thousands of spectators.

In 1936, the epic Civil War novel "Gone With The Wind" by Margaret Mitchell was first published by the Macmillan Co. in New York.

In 1958, the U.S. Senate passed the Alaska statehood bill by a 64-20 vote.

In 1985, 39 American hostages from a hijacked TWA jetliner were freed in Beirut after being held for 17 days.

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Today-------Actor Tony Musante is 76, Actress Nancy Dessault is 76, Singer Glenn Shorrock is 68, Jazz musician Stanley Clarke is 61 and Actor David Garrison is 60.

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June 30th is:  Leap Second Time Adjustment Day, NOW (National Organization for Women) Day and Tour De France.

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Quip for the day........Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?  Because for every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----old Fourth of July Q&A.......

Q:  What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A:  One has a bill on his face and the other has his face on a bill.

Q:  Where was the Declaration of Independence Signed?
A:  On the Bottom.

Q:  Why is the Liberty Bell funny?
A:  It's a real crack-up.

Q:  What did King George think of the American colonists?
A:  He thought they were revolting.

Q:  Do they have a 4th of July in England?
A:  Yes, it is between the 3rd and the 5th.

(groan)

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In 1863, the Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, resulting in a Union victory, began in Pennsylvania.

In 1946, the United States exploded a 20-kiloton atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.

In 1961, Diana, the princess of Wales, was born in Sandringham, England.  (She died in a 1997 car crash in Paris at age 36.

In 1972, the rock musical "Hair" closed on Broadway.

In 1991, President George H.W. Bush nominated federal appeals court judge Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court, beginning an ultimately successful confirmation process marked by allegations of sexual harassment.

In 1991, actor Michael Landon, 54, died in Malibu, CA.

In 2004, actor Marlon Brando died in Los Angeles at age 80.

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Today-----------Actress Olivia de Havilland is 96, Actress-dancer Leslie Caron is 81, Actress Jean Marsh is 78, Actor Jamie Farr is 78, Bluesman James Cotton is 77, Cookiemaker Wally Amos is 76, Actress Karen Black is 73, Actress Genevieve Bujold is 70, Rock singer-actress Deborah Harry is 67, Actor Daryl Anderson is 61, Actor Trevor Eve is 61, Actor Terrence Mann is 61, Rock singer Fred Schneider is 61, Pop singer Victor Willis is 61 and Actor-comedian Dan Aykroyd is 60.

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July 1st is:  Canada Day, International Chicken Wing Day, Second Half Of The Year Day, U.S. Postage Stamp Day, Zip Code Day and Roswell UFO Days (1-3).

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Quip for the day............Money isn't everything.  There's credit cards.......money orders...........traveler's checks........

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah.........

The three turtles finally arrived at the park for their big Fourth of July picnic.  They started spreading out the stuff they had brought.

"Oh, no!" Burt exclaimed.  "We forgot the salad!"

"What are we going to do?"  Bart cried.

"I'll go back and get it, but don't start eating before I get back," Bret said.

The other two promised, so Bret took off.  Day turned into night, and night passed.  Another day came and went.  Then the weekend.  A whole week passed.  And then a month.

Finally, Burt said, "I'm too hungry to wait any longer."

Bart agreed, "Let's eat," he said.

They started eating.  Bret popped up from behind a nearby rock and said, "Aha!  If you're going to start eating without me, I'm not going to go!"

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In 1862, during the Civil War, Confederate forces led by Gen. Robert E. Lee withdrew to Richmond, VA., after driving back Union Maj. Gen. George B. McClellan's troops.

In 1937, aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first round-the-world flight along the equator.

In 1961, author Ernest Hemingway shot himself to death at his home in Ketchum, Idaho.

In 1962, the first Walmart store (called "Wal-Mart Discount City") was opened in Rogers, Arkansas, by Sam Walton and his brother, James.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law a sweeping civil rights bill passed by Congress.

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Today--------Jazz musician Ahmad Jamal is 82, Actor Robert Ito is 81, Actress Polly Holliday is 75, Former White House chief of staff John H. Sununu is 73, Luci Baines Johnson, daughter of President Lyndon B. Johnson, is 65, Rock musician Roy Bittan (Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band) is 63 and Writer-director-comedian Larry David is 65.

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July 2nd is:  I Forgot Day, Made In The USA Day and World UFO Day.

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Quip for the day......I think if I had a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day.  I think this until about lunchtime.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------that's it!

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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In 1863, the three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as the Confederate troops retreated.

In 1971, singer Jim Morrison of The Doors died in Paris at age 27.

In 1979, Dan White, convicted of voluntary manslaughter in the shooting deaths of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, was sentenced to 7 years and 8 months in prison.  (He ended up serving 5 years.)

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Today-------Actor Tim O'Conner is 85, Singer Fontella Bass is 72, Attorney Gloria Allred is 71, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 69, Actor Michael Cole (The Mod Squad) is 67, Country singer Johnny Lee is 66, Humorist Dave Barry is 65 and Actress Betty Buckley is 65.

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July 3rd is:  Compliment Your Mirror Day and Stay Out Of The Sun Day.

(Sadly, it was announced today that Actor Andy Griffith has passed away at age 86.)

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Quip for the day...........Everybody has beauty......just not everybody can see it.

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Larryj