another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------uh oh.........

As soon as the Metrolink train left the station, the guy pulled out his cellphone.  "Hi, sweetheart," he announced in a loud voice everyone could hear.  "It's Eric.  I'm on the train.  Yes, I know it's the 6:30, not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting.  No, not with the floozies in my office. No, sweetheart, You're the only one in my life.  Yes, I'm sure.  Cross my heart....."

This went on for 20 minutes.  Finally, the three women sitting across the aisle had heard enough.  They shouted out, in unison, "Hey, Eric, turn off that stupid phone and get back in the hot tub!"

Pretty soon, Eric's phone was back in his pocket, and it stayed there.

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In 1897, Mark Twain, 61, was quoted by the New York Journal as saying from London that "the report of my death was an exaggeration."

In 1941, baseball's "Iron Horse," Lou Gehrig, died in New York of a degenerative disease, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis; he was 37.

In 1997, Timothy McVeigh was convicted of murder and conspiracy in the Oklahoma City bombing.  (He was executed in June 2001.)

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Today-------Actor Milo O'Shea is 87, Actress-singer Sally Kellerman is 75, Actor Ron Ely is 74, Actor Stacy Keach is 71, Rock musician Charlie Watts is 71, Singer William Guest is 71, Composer Marvin Hamlisch is 68, Movie director Lasse Hallstrom is 66, Actor Jerry Mathers is 64 and Actress Joanna Gleason is 62.

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June 2nd is:  National Bubba Day, National Cancer Survivors Day, Yell "Fudge" At The Cobras In North America Day, Drawing Day or Pencil Day and National Trails Day.

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Quip for the day........When one engine fails on a two-engine plane, you always have enough power to get you to the scene of the crash.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

BTW, this thread will be put on hold on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of next week.  There is a cousin's reunion to attend.  Of the original 26 first cousins, there are only 17 left.  Out of that 17, I think only about 6, maybe 7, will attend as it is on the West Coast and many cousins are scattered across the country.  These reunions happen about every two years and are not regularly scheduled.  They are organized by one cousin or another when they feel like having one.

Larryj

[Ms Bear]

Have a good time.  Wish we could get that many cousins together at one time.

[larryJ]

Today's------------a little redneck humor.........

Jimmy Ray runs into the country tavern and shouts, "Billy Bob, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!  I saw him drive off!"

Everyone in the bar runs out into the parking lot.

Sure enough, Billy Bob's truck is gone.

Billy Bob says to Jimmy Ray, "Did you get a good look at who did it?"

Jimmy Ray says, "I sure didn't.  But don't worry.  I wrote down the license number."

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In 1948, the 200-inch reflecting Hale Telescope at the Palomar Mountain Observatory in California was dedicated.

In 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to "walk" in space during the flight of Gemini 4.

In 1972, Sally J. Priesand was ordained as America's first female rabbi at the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in Cincinnati, Ohio.

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Today--------TV producer Chuck Barris is 83, Actress Irma P. Hall is 77, Author Larry McMurtry is 76, Rock singer Ian Hunter (Mott The Hoople) is73, Singer Eddie Holman is 66, Actor Tristan Rogers is 66, Musician Too Slim (Riders in the Sky) is 64, Rock Musician Richard Moore is 63, Singer Suzi Quatro is 62 and Singer Deneice Williams is 61.

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June 3rd is:  Chimborazo Day and Children's Awareness Memorial Day.

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Quip for the day.......You might be a redneck if your TV gets 512 channels, but you still have to go outside to use the bathroom.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------I'M BAAAAACCCCKKKK!

During my visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine when it's time for someone to be put in an old folks home?"

My doctor replied, "Well, we ask a simple question.  If you had to empty a bathtub full of water, and were given the choice of a teaspoon or a bucket, what would you do?"

I said, "Oh, I get it.  A normal person would want to use the bucket."

My doctor said, "No, a normal person would pull the plug.  Will you be wanting a be near a window?"

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In 1962, 20th Century Fox fired actress Marilyn Monroe from its production "Somethings Got To Give," saying she was unreliable.  (Fox later changed its mind, but Monroe died before filming could resume, and the movie was abandoned.)

In 1972, during the Vietnam War, a South Vietnamese Air Force jet dropped a napalm bomb onto the village of Trang Bang.  Associated Press photographer Nick Ut captured the image of a screaming 9-year-old, Phan Thi Kim Phuc, as she ran naked and severely burned from the scene of the explosion along with other victims.

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Today--------Former First Lady Barbara Bush is 87, Comedian Joan Rivers is 79, Actress Millicent Martin is 78, Actor James Darren is 76, Actor Bernie Casey is 73, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 72, Singer Chuck Negron (Three Dog Night) is 70, Musician Boz Scaggs is 68, Actor Don Grady is 68, Rock Musician Mick Box (Uriah Heep) is 65, Author Sara Paretsky is 65, Actress Sonia Braga is 62, Country musician Tony Rice is 61 and Actor-comedian Jerry Stiller is 85.

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May 8th is:  Banana Split Days (8-9), National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Upsy Daisy Day and World Ocean Day.

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Quip for the day............I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places.  He told me to stop going to those places.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------old, still funny.......

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.  He's motionless.  He doesn't seem to be breathing.  His eyes are glazed over.

The other guy shakes him, slaps his face, cries out to him, "Buddy!  Wake up!  Buddy!"

Finally, he takes out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1.  He says to the operator, "I'm hunting with my friend!  He just collapsed.  I think he's dead!"

The 9-1-1 operator says, "OK, calm down.  Everything is going to be OK.  I'll talk you  through it.  First, let's make sure he's dead."

There was a long silence, then a gunshot.

The guy comes back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

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In 1909, Alice Huyler Ramsey, 22, set out from New York in a Maxwell DA on a journey to become the first woman to drive across the United States.  (Ramsey and three female companions arrived in San Francisco of August 7.)

In 1973, Secretariat became horse racing's first Triple Crown Winner in 25 years by winning the Belmont Stakes.

In 1978, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding black men from the Mormon priesthood.

In 1986, the Rogers Commission released its report on the Challenger disaster, criticizing NASA and rocket-builder Morton Thiokol for management problems leading to the explosion that claimed the lives of seven astronauts.

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Today------------Actress Mona Freeman is 86, Media analyst Marvin Kalb is 82, Actor Joe Santos is 81, Sports commentator Dick Vitale is 73, Author Letty Cottin Pogrebin is 73 and Rock musician Jon Lord is 71.

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June 9th is: Donald Duck Day, Belmont Stakes, International Young Eagles Day and The Wicket World Of Croquet Day.

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Quip for the day.........Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------Happy Sunday........

The regular church organist was sick so a substitute was called in.  The pastor said, "OK, here's a copy of today's program.  I've marked all the spots where you need to start playing.  I don't know your favorites, but you can play whatever you want, as long as it's appropriate."

Everything went well.  The organist played "Abide With Me" as the congregation arrived.  Then he played "A Mighty Fortress" after the pastor's welcoming remarks.

Then it was time for the offering.  The pastor delivered an eloquent description of the church's financial needs, finishing with the urgent plea, "Friends, we must rise to face these challenges.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up now so the deacons can see you!"

He nodded to the organist who immediately launched into "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

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In 1692, the first official execution resulting from the Salem witch trials in Massachusetts took place as Bridget Bishop was hanged.

In 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in Akron, Ohio, by Dr. Robert Holbrook Smith and William Griffith Wilson.

In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon lifted the two-decades-old trade embargo on China.

In 1991, 11-year-old Jaycee Dugard of South Lake Tahoe, CA., was abducted by Phillip and Nancy Garrido;  Jaycee was held by the couple for 18 years before she was found by authorities.

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Today------------Attorney F. Lee Bailey is 79, Actress Alexandra Stewart is 73, Singer Shirley Alston Reeves is 71, Actor Jurgen Prochnow is 71, Media commentator Jeff Greenfield is 69, Country-singer-songwriter Thom Schuyler is 60 and Britain's Prince Philip is 91.

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June 10th is:  Abused Women And Children's Awareness Day, Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day, Ball Point Pen Day, Children's Sunday, Iced Tea Day, Multicultural American Child Day, Ride With The Wind Day or Ride For The Wind Day or World Wind Day and Race Unity Day.

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Quip for the day..........We don't change God's message............His message changes us.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------funny.....

Dad was given to sarcasm.  Mom kept pleading with him to write to their son, who was away at college.

"It's been months since he's answered any of my letters," she said.  "If you write, maybe it will get his attention."

Dad said, "The boy is busy.  Leave him alone.  You know he's in the classroom, or at the library, or studying hard in his room every minute, don't you?"

He then added, rolling his eyes, "Yeah, right."

Mom persevered.  "Please, honey, I beg you.  Just write a short note."

Dad said, "Oh, alright.  I'll send him a short note."

And he did.  It said, "Dear son, your mother and I really enjoyed your last letter.  Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable.  Love, Dad."

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In 1919, Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes becoming horse-racing's first Triple Crown winner.

In 1962, three prisoners at Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay staged an escape, leaving the island on a makeshift raft.  Frank Morris and brothers Clarence and John Anglin were never found or heard from again.

In 1971, the year-and-a-half-long occupation of Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay by American Indian activists ended as federal officers evicted the remaining protesters.

In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown.

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Today-------Opera singer Rise Stephens is 99, Actor Chad Everett is 75, Comedian Johnny Brown is 75, International Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Jackie Stewart is 73, Singer Joey Dee is 72, Actress Adrienne Barbeau is 67, Rock musician Frank Beard (ZZ Top) is 63, Animal rights activist Ingrid Newkirk is 63, Rock singer Donnie Van Zant is 60 and Actor Gene Wilder is 79.

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June 11th is:  Corn On The Cob Day.

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Quip for the day...........I don't have an attitude.  I have a personality you can't handle.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------aha......

On the day i received my learner's permit, my father agreed to accompany me for some driving practice.  We walked out to the car.  He handed me the keys.

Then, with a big grin, he jumped into the back seat behind the driver's seat.

I said, "Daddy, aren't you going to sit up front with me?"

He said, "Kirsten, let me tell you something.  I've been waiting for this moment ever since you were a little girl.  Now it's my turn to sit back here and kick the seat!"

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In 1939, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, NY.

In 1942, Anne Frank, a German-born Jewish girl living in Amsterdam, received a diary for her 13th birthday; in it, she wrote, "I hope I will be able to confide everything to you, as I have never been able to with anyone, and I hope you will provide much support and comfort."  (Less than a month later, Anne and her family went into hiding from the Nazis.)

In 1987, President Ronald Reagan, during a visit to the divided city of Berlin, publicly challenged Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall."

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Today-----------Banker/philanthropist David Rockefeller is 97, Former President George H.W. Bush is 88, Singer Vic Damone is 84, Songwriter Richard Sherman is 84, Jazz musician Chick Corea is 71, Sportscaster Marv Albert is 71, Pop singer Len Barry is 70 and Actor-singer Jim Nabors is 82.

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June 12th is:  Crowded Nest Awareness Day, National Peanut Butter Cookie Day and Loving Day.

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Quip for the day.........Bumper sticker...........Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------love it......

The family was sitting at the dinner table.  The little boy asked, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

Father frowned and said, "Son, I hardly think this is a suitable topic for dinnertime conversation."

Afterward, when the dinner dishes were cleared and father found his seat in the living room, the little boy approached him and said, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

Father said, "Son, why do you ask this question?"

The little boy said, "Well, there was a big fly in your vegetable soup, and I wanted to know if you were going to eat it.  Then you ate it, so that answered my question.  But now I want to know if it tasted good."

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In 1927, aviation hero Charles Lindbergh was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York City.

In 1966, the Supreme Court ruled in Miranda v. Arizona that criminal suspects had to informed of their constitutional rights to consult with an attorney and to remain silent.

In 1971, the New York Times began publishing excerpts of the Pentagon Papers, a secret study of America's involvement in Vietnam from 1945 to 1967 that had been leaked to the paper by military analyst Daniel Ellsberg.

In 1996, the 81-day-old Freeman standoff ended as 16 remaining members of the anti-government group surrendered to the FBI and left their Montana ranch.

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Today-----------Actor Bob McGrath is 80, Artist Christo is 77, Magician Siegfried (Siegfried and Roy) is 73, Singer Bobby Freeman is 72, Actor Malcolm McDowell is 69 and Actor Stellan Skarsgard is 61.

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June 13th is:  Queen's Official Birthday.

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Quip for the day.........There are more men than women in mental hospitals.......which goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

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Larryj