another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------sounds about right............

What is it with Mothers anyway?  They can be so impossible to please.  Let me tell you a story that illustrates my point.

Now, this is my own mother I'm talking about.  She gave me a nicely wrapped box for my birthday one year.  I opened it.  There were two neckties in it.  I like them and I told her so.  "These are very nice," I said, "I'll wear them often."

Then, on an impulse, I said, "In fact, I'll put one on right now."  I went and put on one of the ties.  I came back and showed my mother.  "I love it," I said.

My mother looked at it, then looked at me and said, "So, you don't like the other one?"

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In 1861, Confederate President Jefferson Davis approved an act passed by the Confederate Congress  recognizing that a state of war existed with the United States of America.

In 1882, President Chester Alan Arthur signed the Chinese Exclusion Act, which called for barring Chinese Immigrants from the U.S. for ten years.  (Arthur had opposed an earlier version with a 20-year ban.)

In 1937, the hydrogen-filled German airship Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, NJ., killing 35 of 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.

In 2006, Lillian Gertrud Asplund, the last American survivor of the sinking of the Titanic, as well as the last survivor with actual memories of the disaster (she was five years old at the time), died in Shrewsbury, MA., at age 99.

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Today---------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 81, Rock and Roll singer Bob Seger is 67, Singer Jimmy Dale Gilmore is 67, Gospel singer-comedian Lulu Roman is 66, Actor Alan Dale is 65, Actor Ben Masters is 65 and Actor Gregg Henry is 60.

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May 6th is:  Buddah Day, Joseph Brackett Day, No Diet Day, No Homework Day, Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day, Occupational Safety and Health Day, World Laughter Day, International Baby Lost Mother's Day, Motorcycle Mass And Blessing Of The Bikes Day and National Infertility Survivor Day.

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Quip for the day...........If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle....."Take two and keep away from children."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------hah..........

Maybe the doctor was just being a wiseacre.  Or maybe he honestly was confused by the question.  Or maybe his mind was elsewhere that morning.  Or maybe he was just having a bad hair day.

Whatever.

In any case, Mrs. Smithers never went back to him again.

The trouble happened one day when Mrs. Smithers went in for her annual checkup.  "Doctor," she said, "I have an important decision to make and I need your advice."

The doctor said, "Certainly."

Mrs. Smithers said, "Tell me, is it a good idea for a woman to have children after 40?"

The doctor lifted an eyebrow, removed his spectacles, cleared his throat, paused for a long moment, then said with all sincerity, "Honestly, I believe that 40 children is enough for any woman."

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In 1789, the first inaugural ball was held in New York in honor of President George Washington and his wife, Martha.

In 1915, nearly 1,200 people died when a German torpedo sank the British liner RMS Lusitania off the Irish coast.

In 1941, Glenn Miller and His Orchestra recorded "Chattanooga Choo Choo" for RCA Victor.

In 1942, U.S. Army Gen. Jonathan Wainwright went on a Manila radio station to announce the Allies surrender of the Philippines to Japanese forces during World War II.

In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford formally declared an end to the "Vietnam Era."  In Ho Chi Minh City -- formerly Saigon -- the Viet Cong celebrated its takeover.

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Today------------Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 73, Actress Robin Strasser is 67, Singer-songwriter Bill Danoff is 66, Rhythm-and-blues singer Thelma Houston is 66, Rock musician Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead) is 66, Rock musician Prairie Prince is 62 and Movie writer-director Amy Heckerling is 60.

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May 7th is:  Accountant's Day and Melanoma Monday.

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Quip for the day...............If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------funny.........

Things famous people's mothers might have said:

Mona Lisa's mother:  "This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?"
Christopher Columbus' mother:  "I don't care what you've discovered, you should have written."
Michelangelo's mother:  "The ceiling again?  Why can't you paint on walls like other children?"
Napoleon's mother:  "Why are you sticking that hand in your coat?  Are you hiding your report card?"
Thomas Edison's mother:  "Of course I'm proud of you for inventing the light bulb.  Now turn it off and go to sleep!"
Paul Revere's mother:  "I don't care what you had to do, this is way past your curfew, young man."
Albert Einstein's mother:  "So, this is your yearbook picture?  You couldn't have combed your hair?"

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In 1541, Spanish explorer Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River.

In 1886, Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton invented the flavor syrup for Coca-Cola.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced on radio that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered, and that "the flags of freedom fly all over Europe."

In 1958, Vice President Richard M. Nixon was shoved, stoned, booed and spat upon by anti-American protesters in Lima, Peru.

In 1961, New York's recently created National League baseball team announced that it would be known as the Mets.

In 1973, militant American Indians who'd held the South Dakota hamlet of Wounded Knee for 10 weeks surrendered.

In 1984, the Soviet Union announced it would boycott the upcoming Summer Olympic Games in Los Angeles.

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Today------------Naturalist Sir David Attenborough is 86, Singer Toni Tennille is 72, Actor James Mitchum is 71, Country singer Jack Blanchard is 70, Jazz musician Keith Jarrett is 67, Singer Philip Bailey (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 61, Rock musician Chris Frantz (Talking Heads) is 61 and Comedian Don Rickles is 86.

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May 8th is:  National Teacher Day, No Socks Day, Time Of Remembrance and Reconciliation For Those Who Lost Their Lives During The Second World War (8-9), Second World War (8-9), VE Day and World Red Cross/Red Crescent Day.

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Quip for the day............Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------more moms.........

A man calls his complaining mother.  "Mother," he says, "It's your son.  How are you?"

His mother answers, "My son who never calls!  You're still alive?  I'm always so worried about you."

"I'm fine, Mother.  How are you?"

"Not so good.  I've been very weak."

"I'm sorry to hear that.  Why have you been weak?"

"Because I haven't eaten a bite of food for 38 days."

"Mother!  That's terrible.  Why haven't you been eating?"

"Because I don't want to have a mouth full of food if you ever call."

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In 1712, the Carolina Colony was officially divided into two entities;  North Carolina and South Carolina.

In 1754, a cartoon in Benjamin Franklin's Pennsylvania Gazette showed a snake cut in pieces, with each part representing an American colony.  The caption read, "JOIN, or DIE."

In 1945, U.S. officials announced that midnight entertainment curfew was being lifted immediately.

In 1951, the U.S. conducted its first thermonuclear experiment as part of Operation Greenhouse by detonating a 225-kiloton device on Enewetak Atoll in the Pacific, nicknamed "George."

In 1974, the House Judiciary Committee opened public hearings on whether to recommend the impeachment of President Richard M. Nixon.

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Today------------Actress Geraldine McEwan is 80, Actor Albert Finney is 76, Actress-turned-politician Glenda Jackson is 76, Producer-director James L. Brooks is 75, Musician Sonny Curtis (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 75, Singer Tommy Roe is 70, Singer-musician Richie Furay (Buffalo Springfield and Poco) is 68, Actress Candice Bergen is 66, Pop singer Clint Holmes is 66, Actor Anthony Higgins is 65, Singer Billy Joel is 63 and Actress Alley Mills is 61.

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May 9th is:  Donate A Day's Wages To Charity, National Children's Mental Health Awareness Day, National Night Shift Worker's Day, Occupational Safety And Health Professionals Day, Receptionist's Day and School Nurse Day.

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Quip for the day.............The quickest way to get any kids attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------still more moms..........

The adoring mother walks her daughter to the school bus corner on her first day of Kindergarten.

She says, "OK, we're here, sweetie pie!"

She gives her daughter's hair a few last adjustments, and says, "I want you to have a wonderful day, OK, kitten?"

She gives her daughter a hug, and says, "Listen to your teacher and be nice with the other children, my precious flower."

The little girl gets on the bus and waves to her mother out the window.  The mother calls out as the bus departs, "Your mommy loves you, babykins!"

At the end of the school day she meets the bus and runs to her daughter.

"So what did my little dollface learn on her first day of school?" she says.

The girl answers, "I learned my name is Susan."

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In 1775, Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys, along with Col. Benedict Arnold, captured the British-held fortress at Ticonderoga, NY.

In 1869, a golden spike was driven in Promontory, Utah, marking the completion of the first transcontinental railroad in the United States.

In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover was given the job of FBI director.

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Today----------Author Bel Kaufman is 101, Sportscaster Pat Summerall is 82, Author Barbara Taylor Bradford is 79, R&B singer Henry Fambrough is 74, TV-radio personality Gary Owens is 73, Writer-producer-director Jim Abrahams is 68, Singer Donavan is 66 and Singer Dave Mason is 66.

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May 10th is:  Lupus Day and Windmill Day.

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Quip for the day........I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.  Then I want to move in with them.  (Phyllis Diller)

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Unfortunately that joke about the name really does happen.I had a first grade teacher friend many years ago, before public kindergartens, who had a child in her class who thought his name was "Punkin" because that's what he was always called by his family members.  He didn't know his real name!

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------Hah.......

Mom shouts upstairs to her son, "Wake up, sleepy-head!  It's time to go to school!"

The son groans and calls back, "Mom, I can't go to school today."

Mom replies, sternly, "Young man, give me one good reason why you can't go to school today."

Son:  "I'll give you two good reasons.  For one, all the kids hate me.  And the teachers hate me, too!"

Mom:  "Don't be such a baby.  You have to go to school."

Son:  "Give me one good reason why I have to go to school."

Mom:  "I'll give you two good reasons.  For one, you're 52 years old.  And for another, you're the principal."

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In 1647, Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor (Director-General) of New Netherlands.

In 1927, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was founded during a banquet at the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles.

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman formally dedicated the Grand Coulee Dam in Washington state.

In 1973, charges against Daniel Ellsberg for his role in the "Pentagon Papers" case were dismissed by Judge William M. Byrne, who cited government misconduct.

In 1981, legendary reggae artist Bob Marley died in a Miami hospital at age 36.

In 1987, doctors in Baltimore transplanted the heart and lungs of an auto accident victim to a patient who gave up his own heart to another recipient.  (Clinton House, the nation's first living heart donor, died 14 months later.

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Today-------Comedian Mort Sahl is 85, Actress Shohreh Aghdashioo is 60, Actress Frances Fisher is 60 and Rock singer Eric Burdon (The Animals; War) is 71.

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May 11th is:  Eat What You Want Day, Child Care Provider Day and Military Spouse Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day........."I've found that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person."  (Andy Rooney)

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Larryj

[Ms Bear]

My youngest daughter was given a nickname when she was born and somehow it stuck.  Most of the family and lots of friends still call her by that nickname and she is in her 40's.  Last year one of her father's aunts left the kids some money as their father's heirs and listed her by the nickname, not sure what we will have to do to claim her share.

[larryJ]

Today's-------------oops...........

The couple had been married for less than a year when the young wife surprised her husband one day by saying, "I have some news, sweetheart.  Pretty soon, there are going to be three of us in the house instead of two."

The husband was overjoyed.  He ran to his wife and showered her with kisses and hugs.  He was attentive to her all evening.  He helped with the dishes.  He kept asking if she were comfortable, and if there was anything he could do for her.

The next day he had flowers delivered to her.  He came home with a beaming smile and kissed her tenderly.  He whistled happily as he changed for dinner and offered to help in the kitchen.

His wife finally said, "I must say you are taking this very well."

He said, "What do you mean?"

She replied, "Well, I worried you might be upset when I told you that mother is moving in with us."

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In 1902, anthracite coal miners in Pennsylvania went on strike.  (The strike effectively ended in October 1902 with the appointment of an Anthracite Coal Strike Commission by President Theodore Roosevelt.)

In 1932, the body of Charles Lindbergh Jr., the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh, was found in a wooded area near Hopewell, NJ.

In 1949, the Soviet Union lifted the Berlin Blockade, which the Western powers had succeeded in circumventing with their Berlin Airlift.

In 1958, the United States and Canada signed an agreement to create the North American Air Defense Command (later the North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD for short.)

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Today------------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 87, Critic John Simon is 87, Composer Burt Bacharach is 84, Actress Millie Perkins is 74, R&B singer Jayotis Washington is 71, Country singer Billy Swan is 70, Actress Linda Dano is 69, Musician Ian McLagan is 67, Actress Lindsay Crouse is 64, Singer-musician Steve Winwood is 64, Actor Gabriel Byrne is 62, Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 62 and Singer Billy Squier is 62.

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May 12th is:  Birthmother's Day, Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day, Fibromyalgia And Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day, Hug Your Cat Day, International Nurse's Day, Limerick Day, Mother Ocean Day, National Babysitter's Day, National Miniature Golf Day, National Nutty Fudge Day, Odometer Day, International Migratory Bird Day, Letter Carriers Food Drive Day, Stay Up All Night, National Train Day, World Belly Dance Day and World Fair Trade Day.

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Quip for the day............When is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner?  When the power goes out.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, LADIES..........

THINGS MOM WOULDN'T SAY IN A THOUSAND YEARS...............

*"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
*"Yeah, my grades were pretty terrible, too."
*"Leave the lights on.....it makes the house look more cheery."
*"Let me smell that shirt........OK, it's good for another week."
*"Another puppy?  Sure, you can keep it."
*"Well, if the other mothers are saying it's OK, I guess that's good enough for me."
*"The curfew is just  a general time to shoot for.  It's not like I'm running a prison here."
*"Don't waste tissues.  Just use your sleeve."
*"Don't bother wearing a jacket.  It's supposed to warm up later."
*"I don't worry about you.  I know you can take care of yourself."
*"If you don't want to eat it, don't eat it.

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In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site of what became the Jamestown settlement in Virginia.  (The colonists went ashore the next day.)

In 1846, the United States declared that a state of war already existed with Mexico.

In 1861, Britain's Queen Victoria declared her country's neutrality in the American Civil War, but also acknowledged that the Confederacy had belligerent rights.

In 1918, the first U.S. airmail stamps, featuring a picture of a Curtiss JN-4 biplane, were issued to the public.  (On a few of the stamps, the biplane was inadvertently printed upside-down, making them collector's items.)

In 1961, actor Gary Cooper died in Los Angeles six days after turning 60.

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Today------------Actor Buck Taylor is 74, Actor Harvey Keitel is 73, Author Charles Baxter is 65, Actor Franklyn Ajaye is 63, Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 63 and singer-musician Stevie Wonder is 62.

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May 13th is:  Frog Jumping Day, Mother's Day, Rogation Sunday and Rural Life Sunday.

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Quip for the day.........Most mothers are amazed when their child marries a person with lower mental capacity, ambition and moral standards, and still manage to have beautiful and brilliant children.

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Larryj