another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------darn.........

A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

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In 1607, English colonists went ashore at present-day Cape Henry, VA., on an expedition to establish the first permanent English settlement in the Western Hemisphere.

In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of President Abraham Lincoln, was surrounded by federal troops near Port Royal, VA., and shot to death.

In 2000, Vermont Gov. Howard Dean signed the nation's first bill allowing same-sex couples to form civil unions.

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Today------------Actress-comedian Carol Burnett is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice Williams is 74, Songwriter-musician Duane Eddy is 74, Singer Bobby Rydell is 70 and Rock musician Gary Wright is 69.

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April 26th is:  Hug An Australian Day, Audubon Day, National Kids And Pets Day, Poem In Your Pocket Day, Richter Scale Day, Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Day and Bob Wills Day.

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Quip for the day.............HELP WANTED!  PSYCHIC..............you know where to apply.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------old, still funny...........

This guy has a talking dog.  He takes it to a talent scout.  "This dog can speak English," he promises.  The talent scout shrugs.

The guy says, "You don't believe it?  Just watch.  Hey, Spot, what's on top of a house?"

"Roof!  Roof!" the dog says.

"Oh, please," the talent scout says, "All dogs say that."

"No, wait," the guy says, "Spot, what does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough!  Rough!" 

The talent scout drums his fingers on the desk.  He is losing his patience.

"Wait!" the guy says, "Spot.  Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!  Ruth!"

The talent scout kicks them out of his office.

Back on the street, the dog turns to the guy and says, "So, maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

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In 1973, Acting FBI Director L. Patrick Gray resigned after it was revealed that he'd destroyed files removed from the safe of Watergate conspirator E. Howard Hunt.

In 1982, the trial of John W. Hinckley Jr., who had shot four people, including President Ronald Reagan, began in Washington.  (The trial ended with Hinckley's acquittal by reason of insanity.)

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Today----------Actor Jack Klugman is 90, Actress Anouk Almee is 80, Announcer Casey Kasem is 80, Actress Judy Carne is 73, Rock musician Jim Keltner is 70, Singer Ann Peebles is 65, Rhythm-and-blues singer Herbie Murrell is 63, Actor Douglas Sheehan is 63, Rock musician Ace Frehley is 61 and Rock singer Kate Pierson (The B-52's) is 64.

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April 27th is:  Arbor Day, Babe Ruth Day, National Hairball Awareness Day, Mantanzas Mule Day and Morse Code Day.

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Quip for the day..............If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?------George Carlin.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah......

The old geezer is exclaiming away at the lodge, boring his fellow codgers as usual.

He waves his bony fist in the air and announces, "I may not have my youth any more, and I may not have my vigor, and I may not have my hair, or my real teeth, but I can tell you one thing, I still have my memory.  Knock on wood!"

He gives the armrest of his chair a couple of sharp raps with his knuckles.  Knock! Knock!

Then he gets a startled look on his face, jerks his head toward the front door, and calls out, "Who's there?"

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In 1789, there was a mutiny on the Bounty as rebelling crew members of the British ship led by Fletcher Christian set Capt. William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific.  (Bligh and most of the men with him managed to reach Timor in 47 days.)

In 1967, heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the Army, the same day General William C. Westmoreland told Congress the U.S. "would prevail in Vietnam."

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Today----------Pulitzer Prize-winning author Harper Lee is 86, Former Secretary of State James A. Baker III is 82, Director-actor Richard C. Sarafian is 82, Actress Marcia Strassman is 64, Actor Paul Guilfoyle ("CSI!") is 63, Tonight show host Jay Leno is 62, Rock musician Chuck Leavell is 60 and Actress Ann-Margaret is 71.

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April 28th is:  Biological Clock Day, Eeyore's Birthday, National Go Birding Day, National Rebuilding Day, Penguin Day, Save The Frogs Day, Sense of Smell Day, Spring Astronomy Day, World Tai Chi and Qigong Day, Worker's Memorial Day, World Healing Day and World Veterinary Day.

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Quip for the day...........You know you are old if you remember riding in the back seat of a station wagon............facing the cars behind you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------out of the mouths of babes...........

A first-grade teacher challenged the six-year-olds in her classroom with an exercise involving well-known proverbs.  In each case, she would start the sentence, then ask the children to finish it.  Among the results:

Strike while the ......... bug is close.
Don't bite the hand that ....... looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a ............. Mister.
You can't teach an old dog new ......... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............ stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the .......... pigs.
A penny saved is .............. not much.
Two's company, three's ....... the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what ......... you put on to go to bed.
If a first you don't succeed ...... get new batteries.

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In 1861, the Maryland House of Delegates voted 53-13 against seceding from the Union.

In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp.

In 1961, "ABC's Wide World of Sports" premiered, with Jim McKay as host.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced he was releasing edited transcripts of some secretly made White House tape recordings related to Watergate.

In 1983, Harold Washington was sworn in as the first black mayor of Chicago.

In 1992, rioting erupted in Los Angeles after a jury in Simi Valley acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King; the violence resulted in 55 deaths and more than $1 billion in damage.

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Today---------Actress Celeste Holm is 95, Poet Rod McKuen is 79, Actor Keith Baxter is 79, Bluesman Otis Rush is 78, Conductor Zubin Mehta is 76, Pop singer Bob Miranda is 70, Country singer Duane Allen is 69 and Singer Tommy James is 65.

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April 29th is:  National Pet Parents Day, Mother, Father Deaf Day, National Dance Day, "Peace" Rose Day, Pinhole Photography Day and Zipper Day.

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Quip for the day....................More kids..........It is so hot in some places that people there live in other places.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah............

A man goes into the confession booth.

"Father," he says, "I'm not Catholic, but I have a confession to make.  I'm 81 years old and I'm secretly dating a 40-year-old woman."

"Good Heavens!" the priest exclaims.

The man continues, "Also, I'm secretly dating her daughter."

The priest gasps.  "My good man," he says, "I think you've come to the wrong place.  You say you're not Catholic.  Why are you telling me this?"

The man says, "Are you kidding?  I'm telling everybody!"

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In 1789, George Washington took office in New York as the first president of the United States.

In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for 60 million francs, the equivalent of about $15 million.

In 1945, as Russian troops approached his Berlin bunker, Adolf Hitler committed suicide along with his wife of one day, Eva Braun.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced the resignations of top aides H.R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman, along with Attorney General Richard G. Kleindienst and White House counsel John Dean.

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Today-------------Singer Willie Nelson is 79, Actor Gary Collins is 74, Actor Burt Young is 72, Singer Bobby Vee is 69, Actor Perry King is 64 and Actress Cloris Leachman is 86.

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April 30th is: Beltane, Bugs Bunny Day, National Honesty Day, National Take Back (prescription drugs) Day, Spank Out Day, Walpurgis Night and World Healing Day.

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Quip for the day......You know you are past your prime when you suck in your gut and your ankles swell.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------funny.......

Burt and Bruce are business partners and friends.  They make a deal with each other that whoever dies first will try to make contact from the afterlife.

As it happens, Burt dies.  Bruce doesn't hear a thing for more than a year, so he figures that's that.  Then one day he gets a call.  It's Burt.

Bruce is overjoyed.  He exclaims, "So, there really is an afterlife!  Burt, tell me all about it.  What's it like?"

Burt replies, "Well, I sleep late.  I get lots of sleep, believe me.  And there's a lot of eating, too.  I eat a huge breakfast, and a big lunch, and a huge delicious dinner.  And when I'm not eating or sleeping, I'm running around in the woods with the ladies."

Bruce had a tear in his eye.  "I can hardly wait," he exclaims.  "Heaven sounds so wonderful!"

Burt says, "Oh, I'm not in Heaven.  I'm a bear in the Angeles National Forest."

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In 1898, Commodore George Dewey gave the command, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley," as an American naval force destroyed a Spanish squadron in Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War.

In 1931, New York's 102-story Empire State Building was dedicated.

In 1931, Singer Kate Smith made her debut on CBS radio on her 24th birthday.

In 1941, the Orson Welles motion picture "Citizen Kane" premiered in New York.

In 1960, the Soviet Union shot down an American U-2 reconnaissance plane over Sverdlovsk and captured it pilot, Francis Gary Powers.

In 1971, the intercity passenger rail service Amtrak went into operation.

In 1992, on the third day of the Los Angeles riots, a visibly shaken Rodney King appeared in public to appeal for calm, pleading, "Can we all get along?"

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Today---------------Former astronaut Scott Carpenter is 87, Country singer Sonny James is 83, Singer Judy Collins is 73, Actor Stephen Macht is 70, Pop singer Nick Fortuna (The Buckinghams) is 66, Actor-director Douglas Barr is 63, Actor Dann Florek is 61 and Singer Rita Coolidge is 67.

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May 1st is:  Amtrak Day, Batman Day, Child Depression Awareness Day, Executive Coaching Day, Global Love Day, Keep Kids Alive!  Drive 25 Day, Law Day, Lei Day, Loyalty Day, May Day, Mother Goose Day, National Dance Day, New Homeowner's Day, School Principal's Day, Silver Star Day, Stepmother's Day and World Asthma Day.

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Quip for the day.........A frustrating thing about getting old is that every time you see an expensive antique, you remember the one just like it that you threw away.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------haha......

The shopkeeper is explaining business ethics to his two sons.'

He says, "Some day, God willing, the two of you will be running this store as partners, and you'll be making important decisions every day.  I want you always to remember, my sons, that it's important not only to do what is smart, but to do what is right."

The two young men nod solemnly.

The shopkeeper continues, "For example, suppose a customer comes in and orders $100 worth of goods.  You wrap up the purchase and give it to her.  She pays you with a $100 bill.  But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills.  Now, here's where the ethics come in.  Should you or should you not tell your partner?"

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In 1932, Jack Benny's first radio show, sponsored by Canada Dry, made its debut on the NBC Blue Network.

In 1972, longtime FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover died in Washington at age 77.

In 1982, the Weather Channel made its debut.

In 2011, Osama bin Laden, the face of global terrorism and architect of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, was killed in a firefight with elite American forces at his Pakistan compound, then quickly buried at sea in a stunning finale to a furtive decade on the run.

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Today--------Actor Theodore Bikel is 88, Singer Englebert Humperdinck is 76, Actress and political activist Bianca Jagger is 67, Country singer R.C. Bannon is 67, Singer Leslie Gore is 67, Actor David Suchet is 66, Singer-songwriter Larry Gatlin is 64, Rock singer Lou Gramm (Foreigner) is 62 and Actress Christine Baranski is 60.

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May 2nd is:  Great American Grump Out and Roberts Rule Of Order.

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Quip for the day..............Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah.....

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.   He ignores it.

A minute later he hears another knock.  He goes to the door.  There's nobody there.

He's barely back in his chair and he hears more knocking.  This time he goes to the door, throws it open irritably, and looks this way and that.  There's nobody there.  Just a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three weeks later, he's sitting in his chair and he hears a knock on the door.  He goes to the door and finds the same snail on the porch.

The snail says, "What was THAT all about?"

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In 1802, Washington, D.C., was incorporated as a city.

In 1911, Wisconsin Gov. Francis E. McGovern signed the first U.S. worker's compensation law to withstand constitutional review.

In 1933, Nellie T. Ross became the first female director of the U.S. Mint.

In 1937, Margaret Mitchell won the Pulitzer Prize for her novel "Gone With The Wind."

In 1948, the Supreme Court ruled that covenants prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks or members of other racial groups were legally unenforceable.

In 1952, the Kentucky Derby was televised nationally for the first time on CBS; the winner was Hill Gail.

In 1971, the National Public Radio program "All Things Considered" made its debut.

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Today-------------Folk singer Pete Seeger is 93, Actor Alex Cord is 79, Singer Frankie Valli is 78, Sports announcer Greg Gumbo is 66, Pop singer Mary Hopkin is 62, Singer Christopher Cross is 61 and Actress Ann B. Davis is 86.

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May 3rd is:  Garden Meditation Day, Lumpy Rug Day, National Day Of Prayer, National Day Of Reason, National Two Different Colored Shoes Day, Paranormal Day, Public Radio Day and World Press Freedom Day.

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Quip for the day............If you try to fail, and succeed...........Which have you done?  (George Carlin)

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------true.....

I have an uncle.  He comes over to watch the prize fights on television.  Apparently, I have better cable than he does.

Mostly, I enjoy watching the prize fights with my uncle.  He's a good guy. But he drives me crazy.

He always says, in the middle of the fight, "Sure.  A hundred million dollars.  Give me a hundred million dollars, and I'll fight that guy, too."

He says it every time.

And I always say, "Sure.  Like people are going to pay $200 a ticket to see some 63-year-old carpet salesman get hit once in the face and cry."

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In 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on present-day Manhattan Island.

In 1932, mobster Al Capone, convicted of income-tax evasion, entered the federal penitentiary in Atlanta.  (Capone was later transferred to Alcatraz Island.)

In 1961, the first group of "Freedom Riders" left Washington, D.C., to challenge racial segregation on interstate buses and in bus terminals.

In 1970, Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire during an anti-war protest at Kent State University, killing four students and wounding nine others.

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Today-------Jazz musician Ron Carter is 75, Rock musician Dick Dale is 75, Pop singer Peggy Santiglia (The Angels) is 68, Actor Richard Jenkins is 65, Country singer Stella Parton is 63, Actor-turned-clergyman Hilly Hicks is 62, Irish musician Darryl Hunt (The Pogues) is 62 and Singer Jackie Jackson (The Jacksons) is 61.

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May 4th is:  Intergalactic Star Wars Day, International Space Day, International Firefighters Day, National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy Day, No Pants Day, Tuba Day and Respect For Chickens Day.

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Quip for the day............Sign on a receptionist's desk:  "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------old, funny.............

Jesus and St. Peter are golfing.  St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits the ball long and straight.  It hits the green on the second bounce and rolls to within three feet of the cup.

Jesus is up next.  He slices it badly.  The ball heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

It bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shed and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto the gravel track.  A squirrel hops over and grabs the ball in its mouth.  A huge eagle swoops down, grabs the squirrel, flies across the street, and lands in a tree on the golf course.  A lightening bolt out of nowhere startles the eagle, who drops the squirrel.  The squirrel scampers down the tree, hits the ground hard, and loses control of the ball in its mouth.  The ball rolls onto the green and into the cup.

St. Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated, "Are you going to play golf?" he asks, "Or are you just going to mess around?"

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In 1862, the Battle of Puebla took place in Mexico as forces loyal to Benito Juarez defeated troops sent by Napoleon III during the so-called French Intervention.  (The Cinco de Mayo holiday commemorates Mexico's victory.)

In 1942, wartime sugar rationing began in the United States.

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Today------------Actress Pat Carroll is 85, Saxophonist Ace Cannon is 78, Country singer-musician Roni Stoneman is 74, Actor Michael Murphy is 74, Actor Lance Henriksen is 72, Comedian-actor Michael Palin is 69, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 68, Actor Roger Rees is 68, Rock correspondent Kurt Loder is 67 and Rock musician Bill Ward is 67.

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May 5th is:  Armed Forces Day Military-Amateur Crossband Communications Day, Bladder Cancer Awareness Day, Cartoonists Day, Childhood Stroke Awareness Day, Join Hands Day, Kentucky Derby, National Homebrew Day, National Scrapbooking Day, Space Day, Totally Chipotle Day, Cinco de Mayo, International Midwives Day and Free Comic Books Day.

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Quip for the day..........It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they would just stay up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

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Larryj