another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------ooooohhhh........

Three guys have been stranded for years on a tiny island in a desolate ocean.

One day an old bottle washes up on the beach.  One of the castaways rubs it to get the sand off, and a genie pops out, and looks around.  "I will grant three wishes," he announces.  "Since there are three of you, each gets one wish."

The first fellow says, "I wish I was off this island and back home with my old family and friends, with enough money to live comfortably, for the rest of my life."  The genie nods.  Poof, the fellow vanishes.

The second fellow says, "That's a good wish.  I wish for that, too."  Poof, he's gone.

The third fellow thinks for awhile then says, "I'm really going to miss those guys.  I wish they were back."

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In 1492, a contract was signed by Christopher Columbus and a representative of Spain's King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella giving Columbus a commission to seek a westward ocean passage to Asia.

In 1961, some 1,500 CIA-trained Cuban exiles launched the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in an attempt to topple Fidel Castro, whose forces crushed the incursion by the third day.

In 1969, a jury in Los Angeles convicted Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.

In 1970, Apollo 13 splashed down safely in the Pacific, four days after a ruptured oxygen tank crippled the spacecraft while enroute to the moon.

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Today-------Composer-musician Jan Hammer is 64 and Actor Clarke Peters is 60.

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April 17th is:  Bat Appreciation Day, Blah! Blah! Blah! Day, Ellis Island Family History Day, National Haiku Poetry Day, National Stress Awareness Day, Ford Mustang Day and Nothing Like A Dame Day.

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Quip for the day.........A closed mouth gathers no foot.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Haiku for this day.
Thoughts of my friends on that thread.
Are they writing still?

[larryJ]

Today's--------sorry to be late, been a busy and very long day...........

A minister in the big city parked his car in a no-parking zone.  He was running late and he couldn't find a regular parking place.

He scribbled a note and tucked it under his windshield wiper:  "I have circled the block ten times.  If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.  Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a ticket on the windshield, along with a note from the police officer:  "I've circled this block for ten years.  If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.  Lead us not into temptation."

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In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charleston to Lexington, Mass., warning American colonists that the British were coming.

In 1906, a devastating earthquake struck San Francisco, followed by raging fires; estimates of the final death toll range between 3,000 and 6,000.

In 1910, suffragists showed up at the U.S. Capitol with half a million signatures demanding that women have the right to vote.

In 1983, 63 people, including 17 Americans, were killed at the U.S. Embassy in Beirut, Lebanon, by a suicide bomber.

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Today-----------Actress Barbara Hale is 91, Actor Clive Revill is 82, Actor James Drury is 78, Actor Robert Hooks is 75, Actress Hayley Mills is 66, Actor James Woods is 65 and Actress Cindy Pickett is 65.
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April 18th is:  Adult Autism Day, National Columnists Day, National Golf Day, Pet Owners Independence Day, International Amateur Radio Day and National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day.

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Quip for the day.......How do we know that men, not women, in Biblical times made the coffee?  Ans:  It clearly states that He-brews.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------aha........

A lawyer dies and goes to his eternal reward.  The devil is there to greet him personally.

The lawyer is shocked.  He says, desperately, "There must be some terrible mistake.  I'm much too young to die.  I'm only 51."

The devil checks his clipboard and replies, "No, according to our records you are 89."

The lawyer sputters, "Well, that's impossible!  How did you come up with that figure?"

The devil checks the paperwork again, then answers, "We added up your time sheets."

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In 1912, a special subcommittee opened hearings in New York into the Titanic disaster.  (The hearings, which were subsequently moved to Washington, D.C., concluded on May 28.)

In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.

In 1982, astronauts Sally K. Ride and Guion S. Bluford Jr. became the first woman and first African-American to be tapped for U.S. space missions.

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Today-----------Actor Hugh O'Brian is 87, Actress Elinor Donahue is 75, Rock Musician Alan Price (The Animals) is 70, Actor Tim Curry is 66, Pop singer Mark "Flo" Volman (The Turtles; Flo and Eddie) is 65 and Actor Tony Plana ("Ugly Betty") is 60.

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April 19th is:  National Hanging Out Day, Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day and High Five Day.

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Quip for the day............Judge:  Where were you between five and six?  Defendant:  In kindergarten.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------celebrity one-liners....

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."  W.C. Fields.

"Two old ladies are in a restaurant.  One complains, 'You know, the food here is just terrible.'  The other shakes her head and adds, 'And such small portions.'".. Woody Allen.

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In 1999, the Columbine High School in Colorado as two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, shot and killed 12 classmates and one teacher before taking their own lives.

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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 92, Actor Leslie Phillips is 88, Sen. Pat Roberts, R-Kan., is 76, Actor George Takei is 75, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 73, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 71, Bluegrass-singer-musician Doyle Lawson (Quicksilver) is 68, Rock musician Craig Frost (Grand Funk; Bob Seger's Silver Bullet Band) is 64, Actor Gregory Itzin is 64, Actress Jessica Lange is 63 and Actress Veronica Cartwright is 63.

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April 20th is:  DNA Day, National Day of Silence and National Pot Smokers Day.

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Quip for the day........One nice thing about egotists; they don't talk about other people.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------more celebrity one-liners........

"Sincerity is everything.  If you can fake that, you've got it made."--George Burns

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea.  If this is tea, please bring me some coffee."--Abraham Lincoln

"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves."--Johnny Carson

"At the airport they asked me if strangers had given me anything.  Are they kidding?  Even people I know don't give me anything."--Comedian George Wallace.

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In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, assuring Texas independence.

In 1910, author Samuel Langhorne Clemens, known as Mark Twain, died in Redding, CT, at age 74.

In 1992, Robert Alton Harris became the first person executed by the state of California in 25 years as he was put to death in the gas chamber for the 1978 murder of two teen-age boys, John Mayeski and Michael Baker.

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Today----------Britain's Queen Elizabeth II is 86, Actress-comedian-writer Elaine May is 80, Actor Charles Grodin is 77, Actor Reni Santoni is 74, Singer-musician-actor Iggy Pop is 65, Actress Patti LuPone is 63 and Actor Tony Danza is 61.

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April 21st is:  Record Store Day, Auctioneer's Day, Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day, Husband Appreciation Day, Kindergarten Day and National Chocolate-covered Cashews Day.

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Quip for the day.........Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over?"--George Carlin

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------more celebrity one-liners.......

(classic)...."I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."--Henny Youngman

"When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party, according to the letter."--Emo Philips

"I knew these Siamese twins.  They moved to England, so the other one could drive."--Steven Wright
'
"My grandfather is hard of hearing.  He needs to read lips.  I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters."--Brian Kiley

"L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up they tell him there'll be a 20-minute wait."--Bill Maher

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In 1864, Congress authorized the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.

In 1937, thousands of college students in New York City staged a "peace strike" opposing American entry into another possible world conflict.

In 1952, an atomic test in Nevada became the first nuclear explosion shown on live network television as a 31-kiloton bomb was dropped from a B-50 Superfortress.

In 1970, millions of Americans, concerned about the environment, observed the first Earth Day.

In 1987, Joe Hunt, leader of a social and investment group called the "Billionaire Boys Club," was convicted by a jury in Santa Monica of murdering Ron Levin, a con man whose body has never been found.  (Hunt was sentenced to life in prison.)

In 1994, Richard M. Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, died at a New York hospital four days after suffering a stroke; he was 81.

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Today----------Actor George Cole is 87, Actress Charlotte Rae is 86, Actress Estelle Harris is 80, Singer-songwriter Glen Campbell is 76, Actor Jack Nicholson is 75, Singer Mel Carter is 69, Author Janet Evanovich is 69, Rock singer-musician Peter Frampton is 62 and Rock singer-musician Paul Carrack is 61.

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April 22nd is:  Earth Day, Chemists Celebrate Earth Day, Girl Scout Leaders Day, In God We Trust Day, Mother Earth Day and National Jelly Bean Day.

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Quip for the day........Why do they put Braille pads on the drive-through ATMs?--George Carlin

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------more, well, you know ..........

"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game."  Bill Dwyer

"I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, 'Do you have any firearms with you?'"  I said, "What do you need?"  Steven Wright

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs.  Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why."  Redd Foxx

(classic)  "I went to a psychiatrist, and he says, 'You're crazy.'  I tell him I want a second opinion.  He says, 'Okay, you're ugly, too.'"  Rodney Dangerfield

"I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks, 'Are you reading that?'  I didn't know what to say.  So I said yes.  Then I stood up, turned the page, and sat back down again."  David Brenner

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In 1789, President-elect George Washington and his wife, Martha, moved into the first executive mansion, the Franklin House, in New York.

In 1954, Hank Aaron of the Milwaukee Braves hit the first of his record 755 major-league home runs in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals.  (The Braves won, 7-5.)

In 1968, student protesters began occupying buildings on the campus of Columbia University in New York; police put down the protests a week later.

In 1969, Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death for assassinating New York Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.  (The sentence was later reduced to life imprisonment.)

In 1992, McDonald's opened its first fast-food restaurant in the Chinese capital of Beijing.

In 2005, website YouTube uploaded its first video, titled "Me at the Zoo," consisting of 18 seconds of co-founder Jawed Karim, standing in front of an elephant enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

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Today-------Actress-turned-diplomat Shirley Temple Black is 84, Actor Lee Majors is 73, Irish nationalist Bernadette Devlin McAliskey is 65, Actress Blair Brown is 64, Writer-director Paul Brickman is 63 and Actress Joyce DeWitt is 63.

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April 23rd is:  Movie Theater Day, International Marconi Day, Talk Like Shakespeare Day and World Book and Copyright Day.

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Quip for the day..............You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right!  I would have never thought of that!"  Dave Barry

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Hah.........

Back in the old days, when service stations still offered service, a minister in full clerical collar and garb waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.  Finally, the attendant motioned the pastor toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," he said, "I'm sorry about the delay.  It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled and replied, "I know what you mean.  It's the same in my business."

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In 1800, Congress approved a bill establishing the Library of Congress.

In 1960, rioting erupted in Biloxi, Mississippi, after black protesters staging a "wade-in" at a whites-only beach were attacked by a crowd of hostile whites.

In 1962, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology achieved the first satellite relay of a television signal, using NASA's Echo 1 balloon satellite to bounce a video image of the letters "M.I.T." transmitted from Camp Parks, CA., to Westford, MA.

In 1980, the United States launched an unsuccessful attempt to free the American hostages in Iran, a mission that resulted in the deaths of eight U.S. servicemen.

In 1997, comedian Pat Paulsen died in Tijuana, Mexico, at age 69.

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Today-------------Film and drama critic Stanley Kauffmann is 96, Movie director-producer Richard Donner is 82, Actress Shirley MacLaine is 78, Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 70, Former Chicago mayor Richard Daley is 70 and Country singer Richard Sterban (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 69.

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April 24th is:  Genocide Remembrance Day and National Teach Your Children To Save Day.

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Quip for the day...............I married my wife for her looks..........but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------haha......

The protective grandmother is watching like a hawk as her grandson plays on the beach.  He's wearing a hat. He has sunblock all over him.

The grandmother is very protective.

Suddenly, the boy runs down to the water to rinse off his sand bucket.  A rogue wave comes in at that exact moment and sweeps the boy out to sea.

The frantic grandmother runs to the spot and cries out, "Please, God, save my only grandson.  I beg of you, bring him back to me."

Another huge wave sweeps in and brings the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

The grandmother looks up to heaven and calls out, "He had a hat!"

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In 1507, a world map produced by German cartographer Martin Waldseemueller contained the first recorded use of the term "America," in honor of Italian navigator Amerigo Vespucci.

In 1898, the United States formally declared was on Spain.

In 1944, the United Negro College Fund was founded.

In 1972, Polaroid corp. introduced its SX-70 folding camera, which ejected self-developing photographs.

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Today---------Movie director-writer Paul Mazursky is 82, Actor Al Pacino is 72, Ballroom dance judge Len Goodman (TV: "Dancing with the stars") is 68, Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 67, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 67, Actress Talia Shire is 66, Actor Jeffrey DeMunn is 65, Rock musician Michael Brown (The Left Banke) is 63 and Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers) is 62.

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April 25th is:  Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary's Day, DNA Day, Hairstylist's Appreciation Day, 20-something Service Day, Malaria Awareness Day, Hug A Plumber Day, International Guide Dogs Day, Red Hat Society Day and World Penguin Day.

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Quip for the day.............We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve months telling them to sit down and shut up.

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Larryj