another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Good one, Billy!  I like that one.

Today's-----------------------------------------------We have all (well, some of us) been here, too.


Jason, a ballplayer, left in charge of a baby cousin, suddenly realized that he did not have faintest idea on how to change a diaper. 

Frantically, he called Vinnie, a friend who was, luckily, a father.  Vin calmed down Jason, then gave him the following instructions:

"Place the diaper in the position of a baseball diamond, with you at bat. Place baby on 'pitcher's mound,' fold 'second base' over 'home plate' then pin 'first base' and 'third base' at 'home plate'!"

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------------------------(the editors like putting jokes about religion in the Sunday paper)

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats...................it has worked like a charm, the front of the church always fills up first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued:  "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock "n" roll gospel choir.  Now our services are consistently packed through the balcony."

"Thank you, Father."  answered the young priest.  "I am most pleased that you're open to the new ideas of youth."

"Indeed, those have been well and good, but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that."

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I do appreciate that................but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the church roof."

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------------------Remember----I only repeat them, I don't make them up.

Harriet and Maude were hired as organist and soloist for a wedding.  During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes.  They didn't have the wedding music with them, so they began with one of the hymns they had sung at a different church the week before, "He Touched Me................"

Just as they began, the minister walked in and stopped, looking very surprised.  He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before.  It's little wonder her was surprised because the opening line of the hymn is: 

"Shackled by a heavy burden.............."

Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

The 10 indication you have joined the Obama Health Care Program

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.


(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when
you enter the trailer park."


( The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.


(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.


(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an
apple a day.."


(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.


(4) The line, "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-
network charges," is not a typographical error.


(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."


(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.


AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMACARE:


(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
tape.

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------------and not using too much space today.

Mr. and Mrs. Thornharper had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week vacation in Majorca.

"Boy, I wish we'd brought the piano with us,"  said Mr. Thornharper breathlessly.

"What on earth for?"  his wife asked.

"Cause I left the tickets on it."

______________________________________________

Today in history------------In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure providing pensions for  former U.S. presidents and their widows.  (I put this here because I was always under the impression that former presidents has always had a pension of sorts.  I didn't realize that was not true.)

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------------------------I get this from my granddaughter a lot.

A teenage boy seemed placid and content as the Doctor approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation.

His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her reading.  The Doctor walked over and introduced himself to the boy.  The boy looked right through the Doctor and started thrashing about and screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!"

The Doctor had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness in his entire career!  He turned to the mother and asked, "How long has this been going on?"  Without looking up she replied, "Ever since you stepped between him and the television set."

________________________________________________

Interesting note:  This has nothing to do with Elk County, but there have been posts about the media in other threads of the forum and I wanted to post this. 

It is the beginning of fire season in the mountains around Los Angeles.  It gets hot and dry and the fires are very deadly and dangerous when they start.  Yesterday coming home from an errand, I noticed a plume of smoke in the mountains to the north of us.  The San Gabriel Mountains are to the north of my house with the foothills about ten miles away.  At the mouth of the canyon entering the mountains is a dam owned by the Feds.  It is called Morris Dam and was used during WWII to test torpedoes.  The launch racks are still visible.  Anyway, the fire started next to the dam and is still burning this morning out of control.  Now, for the media.  Normally, a fire like this commands the news coverage all day long.  HOWEVER, sadly, Senator Edward Kennedy passed away and the news folks are spending more time with stories about him instead of a fire in our own backyard which is "slightly" more important to us!

__________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------The operator is always right.

"Information, how may I assist you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please,"  pause, "I'm sorry, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization.  It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not Theodore!  Theater! The word is theater -  T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

_________________________________________

Birthdays today---------------------Tuesday Weld (gulp) is 66, and Barbara Bach aka Daisy Duke is (gulp) 62

________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------

A seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh dear," the mother said nervously, "Tell me exactly what happened, honey."

"Nothing much," the little girl replied matter of factly, "He made me wait for 45 minutes and then double billed the insurance company."

______________________________________

Today, my good friend (oh how I wish) Shania Twain turns 44.  (One can only dream)

______________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------Okay, all you groaners---this one is for you. 

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. 

"I am, "said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly on my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with just a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the entire debate by eating them all------

Wait for it-------------------------

HAWK, LION AND STINKER.

_____________________________________________________

Never let people drive you crazy when it's within walking distance.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]