another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------yummy joke........

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.  But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?  Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat your chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.  That way, you'll get a least one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food.  Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.  Beans are vegetables.  Most sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane -- both vegetables.  And, of course, milk and cream are important proteins.  So, eat chocolate to help you meet your daily requirements.

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In 1912, the just-completed RMS Titanic left Belfast to begin its sea trials eight days before the start of its ill-fated maiden voyage.

In 1917, President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany, saying, "The world must be made safe for democracy."  (Congress declared war four days later.)

In 1932, aviator Charles A. Lindbergh and John R. Condon went to a cemetery in the Bronx, NY, where Condon turned over $50,000 to a man in exchange for Lindbergh's kidnapped son.  (The child who was not returned, was found dead the following month.)

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Today-----Actress Rita Gam is 84, Actress Sharon Acker is 77, Singer Leon Russell is 70, Jazz musician Larry Coryell is 69, Actress Linda Hunt is 67, Actor Ron Palillo is 63, Actress Pamela Reed is 63 and Singer Emmylou Harris is 65.

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April 2nd is:  International Children's Book Day, National Love Our Children Day, Reconciliation Day, National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day, Tater Day and World Autism Day.

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Quip for the day.......Did you hear about the mushroom who couldn't get a date?  "I don't know why the girls don't like me, I'm such a FUNGI."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------Easter Q & A..........

Q:  What do you call rabbits who have marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A:  Hot, cross bunnies.

Q:  What do you call rabbits marching backwards:
A:  A receding hareline.

Q:  What do ducks have for lunch?
A:  Soup and quackers.

Q:  Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A:  Because it was the chicken's day off.

Q:  Why are people always tired in April?
A:  Because they just finished a long March.

Q:  Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A:  He had just washed his hare and he couldn't do a thing with it.

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In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began carrying mail between St. Joseph, MO, and Sacramento.  (The delivery system lasted only 18 months before giving away to the transcontinental telegraph.

In 1882, outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, MO, by Robert Ford, a member of James' gang.

In 1948, President Harry S. Truman signed into law the Marshall Plan, designed to help European allies rebuild after World War II and resist Communism.

In 1968, the day before he was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous "mountaintop" speech to a rally of striking sanitation workers.

In 1968, North Vietnam agreed to meet with U.S. representatives to set up preliminary peace talks.

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Today-------Actress-singer Doris Day is 89, Conservationist Dame Jane Goodall is 78, Actor William Gaunt is 75, Actor Eric Braeden is 71, Actress Marsha Mason is 70, Singer Wayne Newton is 70, Singer Billy Joe Royal is 70, Singer Tony Orlando is 68, Comedy writer Pat Proft is 65, Folk-rock singer Richard Thompson is 63 and Country musician Curtis Stone is 62.

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April 3rd is:  Find A Rainbow Day, Pony Express Day, Tweed Day and World Party Day.

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Quip for the day.............Did you ever wonder what the Easter bunny picks up on his rabbit ears?

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

All good third grade jokes. Thanks!  Here's one more.   What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot? "It's been nice gnawing you." 

[larryJ]

Today's-----more Easter Q & A..........

Q:  How do you catch a unique bunny?
A:  Unique up on it.

Q:  What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A:  One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q:  What do you call the Easter bunny after a hard day's work?
A:  Tired.

Q:  Have you seen the new movie about water fowl?
A:  It's a duckumentary.

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In 1818, Congress decided the flag of the United States would consist of 13 red and white stripes and 20 stars, with a new star to be added for every new state of the Union.

In 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbed to pneumonia one month after his inaugural, becoming the first U.S. chief executive to die in office.

In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.

In 1859, "Dixie" was performed publicly for the first time by Bryant's Minstrels at Mechanic's Hall in New York.

In 1887, Susanna Madora Salter became the first woman elected mayor of an American community:  Argonia, Kansas.

In 1949, 12 nations, including the United States, signed the North Atlantic Treaty in Washington, D.C.

In 1960, Elvis Presley recorded "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" in Nashville, Tennessee, for RCA Victor.

In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee.

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Today------Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 91, Author-poet Maya Angelou is 84, Recording executive Clive Davis is 68, Actress Christine Lahti is 63 and Country singer Steve Gatlin (The Gatlin Brothers) is 61.

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April 4th is:  International Day For Mine Awareness, National Day of Hope, Paraprofessionals Appreciation Day, Square Root Day, Victims Of Violence Wholly Day, Vitamin C Day and World Rat Day.

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Quip for the day........I asked my son if he was going to sunrise service on Easter.  He said, "What's a sunrise?"
Bonus quip...........I'm not getting old.  I just can't remember stuff because my brain is full.....

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Why did the little boy plant bunny fur in his garden? He wanted to have a hare raising experience. Actually written by a third grader.

[larryJ]

Today's---------busy day, a little late.....

EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY..............

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

You can't accomplish anything if you don't come out of your shell.

The best things in life are sweet and gooey.

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In 1621, the Mayflower sailed from Plymouth Colony in present-day Massachusetts on a month long return trip to England.

In 1867, in Tuscumbia, Alabama, Anne Sullivan achieved a breakthrough as her blind and deaf pupil, Hellen Keller, learned the meaning of the word "water" as spelled out in the Manual Alphabet.

In 1964, Army General Douglas MacArthur died in Washington at age 84.

In 1976, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes died in Houston at age 70.

In 1987, Fox Broadcasting Co. made its prime-time TV debut by airing the premiere episodes of "Married.....with Children" and "The Tracy Ullman Show" three times each.

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Today-----------Movie producer Roger Corman is 86, Country Music producer Cowboy Jack Clement is 81, Country singer Tommy Cash is 72, Actor Michael Moriarty is 71, Pop singer Allan Clarke (The Hollies) is 70, Writer-director Peter Greenaway is 70, Actor Max Gail is 69, Actress Jane Asher is 66, Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 62 and Actor Mitch Pileggi is 60.

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April 5th is:  National D.A.R.E. Day, National Deep Dish Pizza Day and National Fun At Work Day.

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Quip for the day...........GOOD IDEA:  Finding Easter eggs on Easter.  BAD IDEA:  Finding Easter Eggs on Christmas.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------more Easter jokes.......sigh.......

Q:  Why do we paint Easter eggs?
A:  It's a lot easier than trying to wallpaper them.

Q:  What's big and purple and carries an Easter basket?
A:  The Easter Barney!

Q:  What does the Easter bunny get for making a basket?
A:  Two points, same as everyone else.

Q:  What is the difference between an angry rabbit and a counterfeit dollar?
A:  One's bad money, the other's a mad bunny.

Q:  How do you make a rabbit stew?
A:  Never return his phone calls.

Q:  What kind of movies do rabbits like?
A:  The ones with hoppy endings.

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In 1909, American explorers Robert E. Peary and Matthew A. Henson and four Inuits became the first men to reach the North Pole.

In 1917, Congress approved a declaration of war against Germany.

In 1965, the United States launched the Intelsat I, also known as the "Early Bird" communications satellite, into orbit.

In 1971, Russian-born composer Igor Stravinsky, 88, died in New York City.

In 1992, Science-fiction author Isaac Asimov died in New York, at age 72.

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Today-------Nobel Prize-winning scientist James D. Watson is 84, Composer-conductor Andre Previn is 83, Country singer Merle Haggard is 75, Actor Billy Dee Williams is 75, Actor Roy Thinnes is 74, Writer-comedian Phil Austin is 71, Movie director Barry Levinson is 70, Actor John Ratzenberger is 65 and Actress Marilu Henner is 60.

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April 6th is:  Army Day, The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints Day, Hospital Admitting Clerks Day, Good Friday, National Student Athlete Day, National Walk To Work Day, New Beers Day, Drowsy Driver Awareness Day, Passover (begins at sundown), Tartan Day and Teflon Day.

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Quip for the day.........Why did the Easter egg hide?  He was a little chicken. (groan)

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------more, well, you know............

Q:  What has big ears, brings Easter treats and goes hippity-KABOOM hippity KABOOM?
A:  The Easter Elephant.

Q:  What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A:  Bugs Bunny.

Q:  What do the Easter Bunny and Kobe Bryant have in common?
A:  They both know how to stuff a basket!

Q:  Why is it dangerous to tell a funny joke to an egg?
A:  Because it might crack up.

Q:  What is the biggest advantage to being absent-minded?
A:  You can hide your own Easter eggs!

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In 1927, the image and voice of Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover were transmitted live from Washington to New York in the first successful long-distance demonstration of television.

In 1948, the World Health Organization was founded in Geneva.

In 1969, the Supreme Court, in Stanley v. Georgia, unanimously struck down laws prohibiting private possession of obscene material.

In 1978, President Jimmy Carter announced he was deferring development of the neutron bomb, a high-radiation weapon.

In 2007, a Russian rocket carrying American billionaire Charles Simonyi roared into the night skies over Kazakhstan, sending its three occupants on a trip to the international space station.

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Today---------------Actor James Garner is 84, Country singer Cal Smith is 80, Actor Wayne Rogers is 79, Media commentator Hodding Carter III is 77, R&B singer Charlie Thomas is 75, California Governor Jerry Brown is 74, Movie director Francis Ford Coppola is 73, TV personality David Frost is 73, Singer Patricia Bennett is 65, Singer John Oates is 63, Singer Janis Ian is 61, Country musician John Dittrich is 61 and Sitar player Ravi Shankar is 92.

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April 7th is:  International Beaver Day, International Pillow Fight Day, International Snail-papers Day, Metric System Day, National Beer Day, No Housework Day and World Health Organization Day.

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Quip for the day.........How many eggs can you put into an empty Easter basket?  One......after that the basket won't be empty.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Hooray for no housework day! I'm doing yard work instead.

[Wilma]

Wish I could.  We had 1/4 inch of rain this morning and everything is just wet enough to stick to you.