another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------uh oh..........

The rich old man was drawing up his will.  He told his attorney, "Put in there that I wish to leave everything to my beautiful young wife.  The mansion in Malibu, the townhouses in New York and London, the beach home in Hawaii, my car collection, the yacht and the speedboats, all my stocks and bonds and savings, and all my other goods and possessions.  Everything.  On one condition."

"What's that?" the attorney asked.

"That she remarry within a year," the old man said.

The attorney looked up over his spectacles.  "Alright, I'll put that in as a condition," he said.  "Do you mind if I ask why?"

The old man replied, "I want at least one person to be sorry I died."

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In 1766, Britain repealed the Stamp Act of 1765.

In 1922, 12-year-old rabbi's daughter Judith Kaplan became the first American Bat Mitzvah in a ceremony at the Society for the Advancement of Judaism in New York City.

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order authorizing the War Relocation Authority, which was put in charge of interning Japanese-Americans, with Milton S. Eisenhower (the younger brother of Dwight D. Eisenhower) as its director.

In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Hawaii statehood bill.  (Hawaii became a state on Aug. 21, 1959.)

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Today------------Composer John Kander is 85, Nobel peace laureate and former South African president F.W. de Klerk is 76, Actor Kevin Dobson is 69, Actor Brad Dourif is 62, Jazz musician Bill Frisell is 61 and Country singer Charley Pride is 74.

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March 18th is:  Awkward Moment Day, Forgive Mom and Pop Day and National Bio-diesel Day.

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Quip for the day.......Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's in trouble.

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Larryj
"

[larryJ]

Today's------------do I hear a "wheeeee?"...........

The beat-up station wagon starts overheating and the driver pulls off the country road.  A Ferrari pulls up and the driver shouts, "It's a long way to the next station.  I have a rope.  I'll tow you."

When they're all tied up and ready to go, the Ferrari driver says, "If I go too fast for you, honk your horn or blink your lights."

Everything goes well for a couple of miles, but then a Jaguar pulls up alongside.  The Jaguar driver makes it known to the Ferrari driver that he wants to race.

They're off!  They're neck and neck.  They pass 100 mph and keep going.  They fly by a speed trap where a motorcycle cop is hiding.

The cop radios in to headquarters.  "Chief, you're not going to believe this.  A Jaguar and a Ferrari just raced by going 120 mph, and right on their tail there's an old station wagon blinking its lights and beeping its horn, trying to pass!"

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In 1687, French explorer Rene-Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle -- the first European to navigate the length of the Mississippi River -- was murdered by mutineers in present-day Texas.

In 1911, the first International Women's Day was observed with rallies and parades in Germany, Austria, Denmark and Switzerland.

In 1918, Congress approved Daylight Savings Time.

In 1942, during World War II, President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered men between the ages of 45 and 64, inclusive, to register for non-military duty.

In 1962, Bob Dylan's first album, eponymously titled "Bob Dylan," was released by Columbia Records.  (Of the 13 songs recorded for the album, two were Dylan originals:  "Talkin' New York" and "Song to Woody," a tribute to Woody Guthrie.)

In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq.  (Because of the time difference, it was early March 20 in Iraq.

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Today--------Former White House national security adviser Brent Scowcroft is 87, Jazz musician Ornette Coleman is 82, Author Philip Roth is 79, Actress Renee Taylor is 79, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 79, Actress Ursula Andress is 76, Singer Clarence "Frogman" Henry is 75, Singer Ruth Pointer (The Pointer Sisters) is 66, Actress Glenn Close is 65 and Film producer Harvey Weinstein is 60.

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March 19th is:  National Chocolate Caramel Day, Operation Iraqi Freedom Day and Swallows Return To Capistrano Day.

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Quip for the day..........You never really learn how to cuss until you learn how to drive.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

That is funny. You should have put this in the Laugh section.........I can see it now.

[larryJ]

Today's-------------so true.......

Henry Jones dreamed his whole life of traveling to Paris.  The day after he retired, at the age of 70, he was on a plane to the City of Lights.

Three weeks later, after his return, he was in the supermarket one day when a friend spotted him and approached.

"Henry Jones, back from Paris!  How did you like it?" the friend asked.

"Oh, Paris was wonderful.  I just wish I had gone 50 years ago."

The friend winked and said, "When Paris was really Paris, eh?"

"No, when Henry Jones was really Henry Jones."

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In 1952, at the Academy Awards, "An American in Paris"  was named best picture of 1951; Humphrey Bogart best actor for "The African Queen"; Vivien Leigh best actress for "A Streetcar Named Desire"; and George Stevens best director for "A Place in the Sun."

In 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar.

In 1987, the Food and Drug Administration approved the sale of AZT, a drug shown to prolong the lives of some AIDS patients.

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Today----------British songstress Dame Vera Lynn is 95, Producer-director-comedian Carl Reiner is 90, Actor Hal Linden is 81, Country singer Don Edwards is 73, Country singer Ranger Doug (Riders In The Sky) is 66, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 64, Actor William Hurt is 62, Rock musician Carl Palmer (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 62 and Rock musician Jimmie Vaughan is 61.

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March 20th is:  Alien Abduction Day, Atheist Pride Day, Bed-in For Peace Day, First Day Of Spring, Great American Meat-Out Day, Kiss Your Fiancee Day, National Jump Out! Day, National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, National Agriculture Day, Snowman Burning Day and Won't You Be My Neighbor Day.

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Quip for the day.........It's only natural that a person becomes quieter as he grows older.......He's got more to keep quiet about.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------another "so true"............

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot.  The shopkeeper pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does it cost so much?" the man wondered.

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, for starters, it speaks seven languages and it can do quantum mathematics in its head."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one cost $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it has psychic abilities and can tell the future."

The startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs $10,000," the shopkeeper said.

"Wow, and what does that one do?"

The shopkeeper said, "To be honest, I've never seen him do or say anything, but the other two call him boss."

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In 1962, the first Taco Bell restaurant opened in Downey, CA.

In 1963, the Alcatraz federal prison island in San Francisco Bay was emptied of its last inmates at the order of Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.

In 1965, more than 3,000 civil rights demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. began their march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.

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Today------Actor Al Freeman Jr. is 81, Violinist-conductor Joseph Silverstein is 80, Actress Kathleen Widdoes is 73, Actress Marie-Christine Barrault is 68, Singer-musician Rose Stone (Sly and the Family Stone) is 67, Actor Timothy Dalton is 66, Singer Eddie Money is 63, Rock singer-musician Roger Hodgson (Supertramp) is 62, Rock musician Conrad Lozano (Los Lobos) is 61 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Russell Thompkins Jr. (The Stylistics) is 61.

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March 21st is:  Brain Injury Awareness Day, Kick Butts Day, International Day For The Elimination Of Racial Discrimination, Memory Day, National Common Courtesy Day, Spring Fairy Fun Day and World Down Syndrome Day.

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Quip for the day...........Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are ........over dew.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------old school.........

A guy in a bar is sipping his drink and enjoying the live music.  There's a piano man playing smooth pop standards.  A live parrot sits on the piano man's shoulder.

Suddenly, the parrot squawks, flies over to the man at the bar, and takes a big swig out of his drink.  He then flies back and resumes his perch on the piano man's shoulder.

The astonished bar patron walks over to the piano man and says, "Excuse me, but do you know your parrot just took a big swig out of my martini?"

The piano man thinks for a moment, then says, "No, but hum the first few notes, and I'll fake it."

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In 1933, during Prohibition, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure to make wine and beer containing up to 3.2 percent alcohol legal.

In 1958, movie producer Mike Todd, the husband of actress Elizabeth Taylor, and three other people were killed in the crash of Todd's private plane near Grants, NM.

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Today----------USA Today founder Allen H. Neuharth is 88, Composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim is 82, Evangelist broadcaster Pat Robertson is 82, Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, is 78, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 77, Actor-singer Jeremy Clyde is 71, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 69, Writer James Patterson is 65, CNN newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 64, Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 64, Actress Fanny Ardant is 63, Sportscaster Bob Costas is 60 and Actor William Shatner is 81.

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March 22nd is:  International Goof-off Day, World Water Day, As Young As You Feel Day and International Day Of The Seal.

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Quip for the day.............sign in a bar..."If you have come here to drink to forget.........please pay in advance.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------Ha Ha.............

A private pilot takes his ditzy girl friend for a flight in his two-seater.  It's the girlfriend's first time in an airplane.

They're flying at 14,000 feet.  The sky is clear.  Visibility is unlimited.  The gas tank is full.  Everything is perfect.

But then the pilot has a heart attack and dies.

The frantic girlfriend grabs the radio and cries, "May Day!  May Day!  My pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly.  Please help me!"

A voice comes over the radio, "This is the tower.  I will talk you through this.  Just relax and follow my instructions.  First, give me your height and position."

She replies, "I'm 5 feet 4 and I'm sitting down."

After a really long pause, the voice in the tower says,  "OK, repeat after me:  Our Father......who art in Heaven................"

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In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention in which he is said to have declared, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"

In 1942, the first Japanese-Americans evacuated by the U.S. Army during World War II arrived at the internment camp in Manzanar.

In 1994, Wayne Gretzky broke Gordie Howe's National Hockey League career record with his 802nd goal.

In 2010, President Barack Obama signed a $938 billion health care overhaul, declaring "a new season in America."

In 2011, Academy Award-winning actress Elizabeth Taylor, the violet-eyed film goddess whose sultry screen persona, stormy personal life and enduring fame and glamour made her one of the last of the classic movie stars, died in Los Angeles of congestive heart failure at age 79.

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Today----------Comedian Marty Allen is 90, Sir Robert Bannister, the runner who broke the 4-minute mile in 1954, is 83, Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 75 and Singer-producer Ric Ocasek is 63.

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March 23rd is:  National Day Of Unplugging (23-24), National Puppy Day, Near Miss Day, OK Day and World Meteorological Day.

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Quip for the day..........(in keeping with the spirit of the joke)......How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree......Wave at her.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------memories........

Married in real life, Gracie Allen played the scatterbrained wife and George Burns the long suffering husband in the legendary comedy duo of Burns and Allen, which enjoyed a long career in vaudeville, radio and television.

Gracie is remembered for her comedic skills, but not so much for her culinary talents.  Nevertheless, she did have one recipe.  Here it is:

Gracie Allen's Classic Roast Beef......

Ingredients:
1 large roast beef
1 small roast beef
Directions:
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.  When the little one burns, the big one is done.
Serve.

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In 1765, Britain enacted the Quartering Act, requiring American colonists to provide temporary housing to British soldiers.

In 1958, rock 'n' roll singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army in Memphis, Tennessee.

In 1989, the supertanker Exxon Valdez ran aground on a reef in Alaska's Prince William Sound and began leaking 11 million gallons of crude oil.

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Today--------Fashion and costume designer Bob Mackie is 73, Movie director Curtis Hanson is 67, Rock musician Lee Oskar is 64, Rock singer-songwriter-producer Nick Lowe is 63, Rock musician Dougie Thomson is 61, Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger is 61 and Actor R. Lee Ermey (the gravelly voiced sergeant seen on TV) is 68.

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March 24th is:  National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day and World Tuberculosis Day.

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Quip(s) for the day.........More George Burns........"It only takes one drink to get me loaded.  Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."

"When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is read the obituaries.  If I'm not in them, I fix breakfast.  If I am in them, I fix breakfast anyhow because I'm not going anywhere on an empty stomach."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------gotcha.........

IT IS NOT WISE TO BANTER WITH THE ALMIGHTY!

A holy man was praying up a storm one day when the heavens opened and a mighty voice spoke:  "Thy prayers have been noticed.  What may be done for thee?"

The holy man thought for a moment, then said, "O, infinite one, how much is a million years unto thee?"

The Voice replied, "No more than a second."

The devotee then said, "And how much is a million dollars unto thee?"

The Voice replied, "No more than a penny."

The man said, "Can thou sparest me a penny?"

The Voice answered, "Wait a second."

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In 1634, English colonists sent by Lord Baltimore arrived in present-day Maryland.

In 1911, 146 people, mostly young female immigrants, were killed when fire broke out at the Triangle Shirtwaist Co., in New York.

In 1947, a coal mine explosion in Centralia, IL., claimed 111 lives.

In 1960, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit in New York ruled that the D.H. Lawrence novel "Lady Chatterley's Lover" was not obscene and could be sent through the mails.

In 1965, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the state capitol in Montgomery, Alabama, to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks.

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Today------Modeling agency founder Eileen Ford is 90, Movie reviewer Gene Shalit is 86, Former astronaut James Lovell is 84, Singer Anita Bryant is 72, Singer Aretha Franklin is 70, Actor Paul Michael Glaser is 69, Singer Elton John is 65, Actress Bonnie Bedelia is 64 and Feminist activist-author Gloria Steinem is 78.

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March 25th is:  International Day Of Remembrance Of The Victims Of Slavery, National Day Of Celebration Of Greek & American Democracy, Old New Year's Day, Pecan Day, Slave Trade Day, Tolkien Reading Day and Waffle Day.

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Quip for the day.............I don't believe in reincarnation and didn't in my last life either......

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------old, funny.........

The pastor and the associate pastor are on the sidewalk in front of their small rural church holding signs.

One sign says:  "THE END IS NEAR!"  The other sign says:  "TURN AROUND BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE."

The clergymen begin to wave their signs frantically as a car approaches.  The driver leans out the window and cries, "Religious nuts!" as he speeds by without slowing.

The car disappears around a corner.  Then the sound of screeching brakes is heard, followed by a loud splash.

One clergyman says to the other, "Maybe our signs should just say 'BRIDGE OUT' instead."

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In 1804, the Louisiana Purchase was divided into the Territory of Orleans and the District of Louisiana.

In 1979, a peace treaty was signed by Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and witnessed by President Jimmy Carter at the White House.

In 1982, groundbreaking ceremonies took place in Washington, D.C., for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

In 1997, the bodies of 39 members of the Heaven's Gate techno-religious cult who'd committed suicide were found inside a rented mansion in Rancho Santa Fe, CA.

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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner is 82, Actor-director Leonard Nimoy is 81, Actor Alan Arkin is 78, House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi is 72, Actor James Caan is 72, Author Erica Jong is 70, Journalist Bob Woodward is 69, Singer Diana Ross is 68, Rock singer Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) is 64, Singer and TV personality Vicki Lawrence is 63, Comedian Martin Short is 62 and Movie composer Alan Silvestri is 62.

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March 26th is:  Legal Assistants Day and Make Up Your Own Holiday Day.

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Quip for the day.........Adolescence is that time period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he'll be as stupid as his father.

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Larryj