another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------this came with my name in it, I did not add it...........

Four old fellows met one day each week for golf.  At the same time, the wives would play cards.

One day the ladies played cards all afternoon, the waited.  The guys didn't return.  The ladies waited some more.  It got dark.  Still they waited.

Finally, three of the fellows dragged in and the ladies demanded an explanation.  One of them replied, "Well, on the 8th hole, Larry dropped dead.  From then on, it was, like, 'Hit the ball ... drag Larry, hit the ball ... drag Larry....'"

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In 1845, Congress decided all national elections would be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

In 1962, Jackie Robinson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility.

In 1962, Tony Bennett recorded "I Left My Heart In San Francisco," by George Cory and Douglass Cross, in New York for Columbia Records.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.

In 2011, fitness guru Jack LaLanne died in Morro Bay, CA., at age 96.

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Today------------Sen. Frank R. Lautenberg, D-NJ., is 88, Actress Jeanne Moreau is 84, Actress Chita Rivera is 79, Actor-director Lou Antonio is 78, Actor Gil Gerard is 69, Actor Rutger Hauer is 68, Rhythm-and-blues singer Jerry Lawson (The Persuasions) is 68, Sen. Thomas R. Carper, D-Del., is 65, Singer Anita Pointer is 64, Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 62 and Rock musician Bill Cunningham is 62. 

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January 23rd is:  Chinese New Year (we will celebrate next Saturday at the beach), National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day and Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.

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Quip for the day............The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------another oldie but goodie...........

His wife's graveside service had just concluded when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of thunder, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the rapidly darkening sky.

The little old man turned to the pastor and said, matter-of-factly, "Well, she's there, alright."

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In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in Northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of 1849.

In 1908, the Boy Scouts movement began in England under the aegis of Robert Baden-Powell.

In 1922, Christian K. Nelson of Onawa, Iowa, received a U.S. Patent for his Eskimo Pie.

In 1942, the Roberts Commission, which had looked into America's lack of preparedness for Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor, publicly released its report placing much of the blame on Rear Admiral Husband E. Kimmel and Lt. Gen. Walter C. Short, the Navy and Army commanders.

In 1989, confessed serial killer Theodore Bundy was executed in Florida's electric chair.

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Today-------------Actor Ernest Borgnine is 95, Actor Jerry Maren ("The Wizard of Oz") is 93, Actor Marvin Kaplan ("Top Cat") is 85, Singer-songwriter Ray Stevens is 73, Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 71, Singer Aaron Neville is 71, Actor Michael Ontkean is 66 and Comedian Yakov Smirnoff is 61.

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January 24th is:  Belly Laugh Day, Beer Can Day, National Compliment Day and Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day.

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Quip for the day............Light travels faster than sound.....that is why some people appear to be bright until you hear them speak.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------yep.......

A tour group is being led through the Museum of Natural History.

Guide:  "This specimen is 11,000,003 years old."

Tourist:  "Eleven million and three?

Guide:  "That's right."

Tourist:  "How do you know the figure so exactly?"

Guide:  "Well, when I started working here, I was told it was 11 million years old, and I have been here three years now."

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In 1949, the first Emmy Awards, honoring local Los Angeles TV programs and talent, were presented at the Hollywood Athletic Club.  (The very first Emmy presented, for "Most Outstanding Personality," went to ventriloquist Shirley Dinsdale, star of the KTLA children's show "Judy Splinters.")

In 1959, American Airlines began Boeing 707 jet flight service between New York and Los Angeles.

In 1971, Charles Manson and three women followers were convicted in Los Angeles of murder and conspiracy in the 1969 slayings of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate.

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Today--------------Actor Dean Jones is 81, Country singer Claude Gray is 80, Movie director Tobe Hooper is 69, Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 67 and Actor Gregg Palmer is 85.

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January 25th is:  A Room Of One's Own Day, Macintosh Computer Day and World Leprosy Day.

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Quip for the day........There are three kinds of people........those who can count and those who can't.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------hah............

While picking up a few groceries at the convenience market, two nuns find themselves in the liquor aisle.  One nun says to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste nice?"

The second nun answers, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer."

"Don't worry," the first nun says, picking up a six-pack and heading for the check stand.

"We use beer to wash our hair," the nun says to the cashier.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier takes a package of pretzel rods from a shelf behind the counter and adds it to the bag.  He gives the nuns a wink and says, "The curlers are on the house."

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In 1942, the first American Expeditionary Force to go to Europe during World War II arrived in Belfast, Ireland.

In 1962, Charles "Lucky" Luciano, a leading Mafia figure in the U.S., died in Naples, Italy, at age 64.

In 1979, former Vice President Nelson A. Rockefeller died in New York at age 70.

In 1992, Democratic presidential candidate Bill Clinton, appearing with his wife, Hillary, on CBS' "60 Minutes," acknowledged "causing pain in my marriage," but said past problems were not relevant to the campaign.

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Today---------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 89, Actress Joan Leslie is 87, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 83, Sportscaster-actor Bob Uecker is 77, Actor Scott Glenn is 73 and Activist Angela Davis is 68.

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January 26th is:  Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day and Toad Hollow Day Of Encouragement.

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Quip for the day..........How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------this is an "uh-oh."

Dr. Jones was always leaving his car keys in the ignition.  His wife was always giving him a hard time about it.  Now, the worst has happened.  He couldn't find his car keys and he couldn't find his car.  He had always assumed that the parking lot near his office was safe and secure.  Apparently not.

He called the police and filed a full report.  That was the easy part.

Next, after much anguish and rehearsing, he made the difficult call to his wife.  "Joann, honey," he said, "I left the keys in the car and it has been stolen."

There was a long silence, then his wife said, "I dropped you off this morning."

It was his turn to be silent.  Deeply embarrassed, he said, "Well, come and get me."

She replied, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

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In 1880, Thomas Alva Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.

In 1945, Soviet troops liberated the Nazi concentration camps Auschwitz and Birkenau in Poland.

In 1967, astronauts Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom and Roger B. Chaffee died in a flash fire during a test aboard their Apollo spacecraft.

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Today--------Singer Bobby "Blue" Bland is 82, Actor James Cromwell is 72, Actor John Witherspoon is 70, Rock musician-producer Nick Mason is 67, Rhythm-and-blues singer Nedra Talley is 66 and Ballet star Mikhail Baryshnikov is 64.

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January 27th is:  Auschwitz Liberation Day, Holocaust Memorial Day, International Day Of Commemoration In Memory Of The Victims Of The Holocaust, National Preschool Fitness Day, Thomas Crapper Day, Vietnam Peace Day and Fun At Work Day.

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Quip for the day...........Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----Yes!  I'm a senior citizen......

I'm the life of the party -- even if it lasts until 8PM.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps -- with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts -- I've just lost the key to the storeroom door. 

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life! 

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...

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In 1912, abstract painter Jackson Pollock was born in Cody, Wyoming.

In 1915, the United States Coast Guard was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed a bill merging the Life-Saving Service and Revenue Cutter Service.

In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.

In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after lift-off from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven crew members, including schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe.

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Today------------Musician-composer Acker Bilk is 83, Actor Nicholas Pryor is 77, Actor Alan Alda is 76, Actress Susan Howard is 70, Actress Marthe Keller is 67, Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, D-N.H., is 65 and (don't choke on your beer on this one, Warph) Actress-singer Barbi Benton is 62.

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January 28th is:  Data Privacy Day, National Kazoo Day, National Seed Swap Day and Thank A Plugin Developer Day.

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Quip for the day...........One out of three Americans have some form of mental illness.  Think of two of your best friends.  If they are okay.......................................then it must be you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah............

Two elderly sisters won Super Bowl tickets in a church raffle.

"We don't know anything about football," Madge said to Mabel.

Mabel replied, "Who cares?  Let's go!"

The two enjoyed their journey to Indianapolis.  On game day they found their seats high in Lucas Oil Stadium.  The crowd was noisy, but they loved the energy and sense of excitement.  They admired the large, grassy expanse of the field, and they observed with interest all the pre-game activities.  They watched with intense concentration the kickoff, followed by the endless back and forth struggles between the two teams.  Next they were enthralled by the big half-time show starring Madonna and other performers.  Then they watched as the two teams lined up for the second half kickoff.

Madge nudged Mabel and said, "I guess we can go now........................this is where we came in.

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In 1845, Edgar Allen Poe's poem "The Raven" was first published in the New York Evening Mirror.

In 1929, The Seeing Eye, a New Jersey-based school which trains guide dogs to assist the blind, was incorporated by Dorothy Harrison Eustis and Morris Frank.

In 1936, the first members of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown, NY.

In 1963, Poet Robert Frost died in Boston at age 88.

In 1990, former Exxon Valdez skipper Joseph Hazelwood went on trial in Anchorage, Alaska, on charges stemming from the 1989 oil spill.  (Hazelwood was acquitted of the major charges and convicted of a misdemeanor.)

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Today----------------Actor Noel Harrison is 78, Author Germaine Greer is 73, Actress Katherine Ross is 72, Actor Tom Selleck is 67, R&B singer Bettye LaVette is 66, Actor Marc Singer is 64, Actress Ann Jillian is 62 and Rock musician Tommy Ramone is 60.

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January 29th is:  Curmudgeons Day, Freethinkers Day, National Puzzle Day and Seeing Eye Dog Day.

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Quip for the day............When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.............either the car is new.......................or the wife.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------oops............

The college football coach introduces the new recruit to the other players during the team meeting.  Then he is interrupted by a phone call.  After hanging up, he calls for everyone's attention and says to the recruit, "Son, you have an F in mathematics on your academic record, and it's a matter of concern.  I've been told to ask you a math question.  It you answer correctly, you can play.  Now, we need you on this team.  Do I make myself clear?"

The recruit nods.

The coach continues, "What is two plus two?  Think carefully before you answer."

The recruit says, "Four."

The coach is overjoyed.  He exclaimed, "Did you say four?"

The rest of the players begin shouting, "Come on, coach, give him another chance!"

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In 1862, the ironclad USS Monitor was launched from the Continental Iron Works in Greenpoint, NY, during the Civil War.

In 1933, the first episode of the "Lone Ranger" radio program was broadcast on station WXYZ in Detroit.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy delivered his first State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress.

In 1968, the Tet Offensive began during the Vietnam War as Communist forces launched surprise attacks against South Vietnamese provincial capitals.

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Today--------Actress Dorothy Malone is 87, Actress Tammy Grimes is 78, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 75, Chess Grandmaster Boris Spassky is 75, Country singer Jeanne Pruett is 75, Country singer Norma Jean is 74, Former Vice President Dick Cheney is 71, Rock singer Marty Balin is 70, Singer Phil Collins is 61, Actor Charles S. Dutton is 61 and Actor Gene Hackman is 82.

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January 30th is:  National Inane Answering Message Day, Escape Day, Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day, Snagglepuss's Birthday and Yodel For Your Neighbors Day.

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Quip for the day............No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Golden football quotes...........

"Most football games are temperamental.  That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental."  NFL player and coach Doug Plank.

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."  Heisman Trophy winner George Rogers.

"Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."  Football player and commentator Joe Theismann.

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."  Humorist Erma Bombeck.

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In 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee was named general-in-chief of all the Confederate armies.

In 1961, NASA launched Ham the Chimp aboard a Mercury-Redstone rocket from Cape Canaveral;  Ham was recovered safely from the Atlantic Ocean following a 16-minute suborbital flight.

In 1971, astronauts Alan Shepard, Edgar Mitchell and Stuart Roosa blasted off aboard Apollo 14 on a mission to the moon.

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Today------------Actress Carol Channing is 91, Baseball Hallo-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 81, Composer Philip Glass is 75, Former Interior Secretary James Watt is 74, Actor Stuart Margolin is 72, Actress Jessica Walter is 71, Former Rep. Dick Gephardt, D-Mo., is 71, Blues singer-musician Charles Musselwhite is 68, Actor Glynn Turman is 66, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 65 and Singer-musician Harry Wayne Casey (KC and the Sunshine Band) is 61.

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January 31st is:  Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day, Backward Day and Inspire Your Heart With Art Day.

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Quip for the day.........I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Football Q&A........

Q:  What do you call a 49ers fan holding a bottle of champagne?
A:  A waiter.

Q:  Why are the Rams like a possum?
A:  Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q:  What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl on television?
A:  The Green Bay Packers.

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In 1862, "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," a poem by Julia Ward Howe, was published in the Atlantic Monthly.

In 1943, one of America's most highly decorated military units, the 442nd Regimental Combat Team, made up exclusively of Japanese-Americans, was authorized.

In 1982, "Late Night with David Letterman" premiered on NBC.

In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry killing all seven crew members.

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Today-------Gospel singer George Beverly Shea is 103, Actor Stuart Whitman is 84, Singer Don Everly is 75, Actor Garrett Morris is 75, Actor Sherman Hemsley is 74, TV personality-singer Joy Philbin is 71, Comedian Terry Jones is 70 and Blues singer-musician Sonny Landreth is 61.

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February 1st is:  Freedom Day, Car Insurance Day, G.I. Joe Day, Hula In The Moola Day, National Girls & Women In Sports Day, Robinson Crusoe Day, Spunky Old Broads Day and Working Naked Day.

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Quip for the day.......If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say.........talk in your sleep.

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Larryj