another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's..............more "jobs" jokes.............

I had a job at a clock factory, but I got tired of looking at the same old faces all the time.

Next I had a job drilling holes, but that was way too boring.

Finally, I landed a job at a produce market, and life is a bowl of cherries now.  The bananas have appeal.  The grapes treat me like one of the bunch.  Every time I speak, the corn is all ears.  I'm hoping to be promoted to produce manager.  I'll be the head of lettuce.

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In 1933, the 30th president of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, died in Northampton, MA., at age 60.

In 1957, President Eisenhower proposed assistance to countries to help them resist Communist aggression; this became known as the Eisenhower Doctrine.

In 1972, President Nixon announced that he had ordered development of "an entirely new type of space transportation system," the reusable shuttle.  (The first operational shuttle, Columbia, was launched in 1981.)

In 1994, Thomas P. "Tip" O'Neill, former speaker of the House of Representatives, died in Boston at age 81.

In 1998, Sonny Bono, the 1960's pop-star-turned politician, was killed when he struck a tree while skiing at the Heavenly Ski Resort on the Nevada-California state line; he was 62.

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Today-----------Former Vice President Walter Mondale is 84, Actor Robert Duvall is 81, Pro Football Hall-of-Fame coach Chuck Noll is 80, Talk show host Charlie Rose is 70, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 66, Actor Ted Lange is 64, Rhythm-and-blues musician George "Funky" Brown (Kool and the Gang) is 63 and Rock musician Chris Stein (Blondie) is 62.

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January 5th is:  Asara B'Tevet, Bean Day and Bird Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's............hah.............

The clerk said to the customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some time now, and it looks like we won't be getting any soon."

The manager, overhearing the conversation, quickly intervened.  "Ma'am, I apologize," he said to the customer.  "We most certainly will be getting some, and very soon indeed.  In fact, I placed the order just this morning."

The customer, looking somewhat flustered, mumbled her thanks and left.

The manager turned to the clerk and said, sternly, "Don't ever tell our customers that we can't get something for them.  That's bad business."

Clerk:  "I'm sorry, sir."

Manager:  "So what did she want?"

Clerk:  "Rain, sir."

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In 1759, George Washington and Martha Dandridge Custis were married in New Kent County, Virginia.

In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful public demonstration of their telegraph, in Morristown, NJ.

In 1919, the 26th president of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, died in Oyster Bay, NY, at age 60.

In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, outlined a goal of Four Freedoms;  Freedom of Speech and expression, the freedom of people to worship God in their own way, freedom from want and freedom from fear.

In 1982, truck driver William G. Bonin was convicted in Los Angeles of 10 of the "Freeway Killer" slayings of young men and boys.  (Bonin was executed in 1996.)

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Today---------------Pollster Louis Harris is 91, Bluegrass performer Earl Scruggs is 88, Retired MLB All-Star Ralph Branca is 86, Actress Bonnie Franklin is 68, Country musician Joey, the CowPolka King (Riders in the Sky) is 63 and Former FBI director Louis Freeh is 62.

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January 6th is:  Epiphany or Twelfth Night and Three Kings Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------hmmm............

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor and said, "Didn't you tell me that I have to take this new medication for the rest of my life?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, that's correct."

"Well, I'm very upset."

"What's the matter?"

"I didn't realize my condition was so serious."

"What do you mean?"

"There are only 30 pills in the bottle and the label says NO REFILLS!"

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In 1608, an accidental fire devastated the Jamestown settlement in the Virginia Colony.

In 1894, one of the earliest motion picture experiments took place at the Thomas Edison studio in West Orange, NJ, Fred Ott was filmed taking a pinch of snuff and sneezing.

In 2007, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, interviewed on "Face The Nation," said Democrats running Congress would not give President George Bush a blank check to wage war in Iraq.

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Today------------Author William Peter Blatty is 84, Country singer Jack Greene is 82, Pop musician Paul Revere is 74, Magazine publisher Jann Wenner is 66, Singer Kenny Loggins is 64, Singer-songwriter Marshall Chapman is 63, Actress Erin Gray is 62 and Actor Sammo Hung is 60.

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January 7th is:  I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore Day, Harlem Globetrotters Day, Orthodox Christmas, International Programmer's Day and National Tempura Day.

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Quip for today------"I was wondering why that Frisbee was getting bigger............then it hit me."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------cute............

CHILDREN'S ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION:  "WHAT IS LOVE?"

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.  --- Rebecca, 8.
Love is when you give someone most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs. --- Chrissy, 6.
Love is when your when your puppy licks your face even after you have left him alone all day.  --- Mary Ann, 4.
Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. ---  Bobby, 7.
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.  --- Karen, 7.
During my piano recital I was scared.  I looked at all the people watching me.  Then I saw my daddy waving and smiling.  He was the only one doing that.  I wasn't scared any more.  --- Cindy, 8.
You shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it.  If you mean it, you should say it a lot. ---  Jessica, 8.

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In 1798, the 11th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was declared in effect by President John Adams nearly three years after its ratification by the states.

In 1918, Mississippi became the first state to ratify the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which established Prohibition.

In 1935, rock-and-roll legend Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson declared a "War on Poverty" in his State of the Union address.

In 1982, American Telephone and Telegraph settled the Justice Department's antitrust lawsuit against it by agreeing to divest itself of the 22 Bell System companies.

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Today-------------Actor-comedian Larry Storch is 89, Actor Ron Moody is 88, Broadcast Journalist Sander Vanocur is 84, CBS Newsman Charles Osgood is 79, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 74, Country-gospel singer Christy Lane is 72, R&B singer Anthony Gourdine is 71, Actress Yvette Mimieux is 70, Physicist Stephen Hawking is 70, Rock musician Robby Krieger is 66, Rock singer-actor-producer David Bowie is 65, Movie director John McTiernan is 61 and Singer Shirley Bassett is 75.

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January 8th is:  National English Toffee Day, Argyle Day, Bubble Bath Day, Midwife's Day or Women's Day, Earth's Rotation Day, National Joy Germ Day and War On Poverty Day.

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Quip for the day.................It's a small world..........................unless you gotta walk home.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------God bless the modern day man.............

Four pastors are fishing at the lake.  After a long silence, one of them clears his throat and speaks.

"Friends, I have a confession to make," he says.  "I have sinned.  My secretary tempted me and I was weak.  I tell you this in confidence."

The second pastor says, "None of us is without sin.  I am a secret alcoholic.  I even drink before I preach.  I trust your discretion."

The third says, "I'm a compulsive gambler.  I've been taking money from the church fund for years.  This is for your ears only."

The fourth pastor says nothing.  He is typing madly on his iPhone.

The other three look at him.  One says, "What about you?  Don't you have anything to confess?"

The fourth pastor looks up and says, "Oh, yes, I'm a terrible gossip.  I've been tweeting every word of this."

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In 1793, Frenchman Jean Pierre Blanchard, using a hot-air balloon, flew between Philadelphia and Woodbury, NJ.

In 1913, Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, was born in Yorba Linda, CA.

In 1951, United Nations headquarters in New York was officially opened.

In 1960, on his 47th birthday, Vice President Richard M. Nixon became a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination.

In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes, speaking by telephone from the Bahamas to reporters in Hollywood, said a purported autobiography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.

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Today---------Author Judith Krantz is 84, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 78, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 77, Actress K. Callan is 76, Folk singer Joan Baez is 71, Rockabilly singer Roy Head is 71, Rock musician Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin) is 68, Singer David Johansen (aka Buster Poindexter) is 62 and Singer Crystal Gayle is 61.

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January 9th is:  National Clean Off Your Desk Day, Panama's Martyr Day, Balloon Ascension Day and National Static Electricity Day.

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Quip for the day-------------Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------old, still funny.................

The long-wedded husband and wife are speaking with the marriage counselor.  Well, it's mostly the wife speaking.  She pours out her heart in a tear-stained tirade that includes an endless list of grievances and unmet needs.  She complains of neglect, emotional unavailability, lack of intimacy, loneliness, friendlessness, lovelessness............

Finally, the therapist stands, walks around the desk, urges the wife to her feet, then takes her in his arms and kisses her tenderly on the mouth.  He turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs.  Can you manage it?"

Hubby says, "Well, I can drop her off here on most days, but on Fridays, I fish."

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In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published his influential pamphlet "Common Sense," which argued for American independence from British rule.

In 1862, American inventor Samuel Colt, famed for his revolver, died in Hartford, Conn., at age 47.

In 1870, John D. Rockefeller incorporated Standard Oil.

In 1901, the Spindletop oil field in Beaumont, Texas, produced the Lucas Gusher,  heralding the start of the Texas oil boom.

In 1982, actor-comedian Paul Lynde died in Beverly Hills at age 55.

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Today-----Opera singer Sherrill Milnes is 77, Rock singer Ronnie Hawkins is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie McCovey is 74, Movie director Walter Hill is 72, Singer Frank Sinatra, Jr. is 68, Singer Rod Stewart is 67, Rock singer Donald Fagen (Steely Dan) is 64, Actor William Sanderson is 64 and International Boxing Hall-of-Famer and entrepreneur George Foreman is 63.

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January 10th is:  National Cut Your Energy Costs Day and League Of Nations Day.

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Quip for today------------My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------just for Warph...........the start of Tebow jokes?

Many years from now, after a Hall of Fame football career and golden retirement, Tom Brady receives his everlasting reward in Heaven.  God is showing him around.

They come to a nice little house with a New England Patriots banner in the window.  God says, "This is your new home, Tom."

Brady is very thankful.  He starts walking towards the door.  Then he catches a glimpse of the house on an adjacent corner.  It's an enormous three-story mansion with orange and blue drapes, a 50-foot-tall flagpole with a Denver Broncos flag flying high and a large statue of Tim Tebow in the front yard.

Brady turns to God and says, "Wow, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but Tim Tebow sure has a better house than I do."

God laughs and says, "Oh, that's not Tim Tebow's house.  That's my house."

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In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon a National Monument.  (It became a National Park in 1919.)

In 1927, the creation of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was proposed during a dinner of Hollywood luminaries at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles.

In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland, that made her the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.

In 1964, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report that said smoking may be hazardous to one's health.

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Today------Producer Grant Tinker is 87, Actor Rod Taylor is 82, Composer Mary Rodgers is 81, Actor Mitchell Ryan is 78, Actor Felix Silla is 75, Movie director Joel Zwick is 70, Country singer Naomi Judd is 66 and World Golf Hall-of-Famer Ben Crenshaw is 60.

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January 11th is:  Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day and National Human Trafficking Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.......Just when you think you have hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------duh.........

Two New York businessmen are motoring through the South on a business trip.  They joke about the strange names of various places.

One name really stumps them.  It's the Ochlockonee River.  They drive across the bridge, then stop at a diner on the other side to eat.

As the waitress takes their order, one of the men says to her, "Hey, we saw a sign coming in here and wonder how you locals pronounce it."

The waitress gives him a weird look.  Carefully enunciating each syllable, she replies, "Burger Haven."

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In 1915, the House of Representatives rejected, 204-174, a constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.

In 1959, Berry Gordy Jr. founded Motown Records (originally Tamla Records) in Detroit.

In 1971, the groundbreaking situation comedy "All in the Family" premiered on CBS television.

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Today--------Actress Luise Rainer is 102, The Amazing Kreskin is 77, Country singer William Lee Golden (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 73, Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh is 61, Actress Kirstie Alley is 61, Writer Walter Mosley is 60 and Country singer Ricky Van Shelton is 60.

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January 12th is:  National Pharmacist Day and Feast Of The Fabulous Wild Men Day.

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Quip for the day............I laid in bed last night looking at the stars and I thought to myself..........where the heck is the roof.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------golf tips for Warph and Slappy

Golf Tip #1:  The only sure way to get a par is to leave a birdie putt an inch short of the hole.
Golf Tip #2:  Remember, no matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to play worse.
Golf Tip #3:  Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a fairway that doglegs sharply to the right.
Golf Tip #4:  Every time you make a birdie, you must subsequently make two bogies in order to restore order to the universe.
Golf Tip #5:  Remember, the practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the greens on the actual course.
Golf Tip #6:  The only important thing you will learn from reading a lot of books on golf is that you can't learn anything from golf books.

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In 1794, President George Washington approved a measure adding two stars and two stripes to the American flag, following the admission of Vermont and Kentucky to the Union.  (The number of stripes was later reduced to the original 13.

In 1962, comedian Ernie Kovacs died in a car crash in west Los Angeles 10 days before his 43rd birthday.

In 1987, West German police arrested Mohammed Ali Hamadi, a suspect in the 1985 hijacking of a TWA jetliner.  (Although convicted and sentenced to life, Hamadi was paroled by Germany in December 2005; he is on the FBI's Most Wanted Terrorist list.)

In 1990, L. Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the nation's first elected black governor as he took the oath of office in Richmond.

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Today------------Actress Frances Sternhagen is 82, TV personality Nick Clooney is 78, Actor Billy Gray is 74, Actor Richard Moll is 69 and Comedian Rip Taylor is 78.

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January 13th is:  Blame Someone Else Day, Friday the 13th, Public Radio Broadcasting Day and Rubber Ducky Day.

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Quip for the day...........When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people............who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah..........

This scrawny little guy appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks him.

"Well, I saw a bunch of bikers bothering a woman in a parking lot, and I told them to leave her alone, but they ignored me, so I kicked their bikes over."

St. Peter is impressed.  "When did this happen?"

"Oh, about a minute ago."

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In 1639, the first constitution of Connecticut -- The Fundamental Orders  --  was adopted.

In 1784, the United States ratified a peace treaty with England, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1952, NBC's "Today" show premiered, with Dave Garroway as the host, or "communicator," as he was called.

In 1963, George C. Wallace was sworn in as governor of Alabama with a pledge of "segregation forever."

In 1968, the Green Bay Packers of the NFL defeated the AFL's Oakland Raiders, 33-14, in Super Bowl II.

In 1969, 27 people aboard the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise, off Hawaii, were killed when a rocket warhead exploded, setting off a fire and additional explosions.

In 1972, the situation comedy "Sanford and Son," starring Redd Foxx and Demond Wilson, premiered on NBC-TV.

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Today-------------Blues singer Clarence Carter is 76, Singer Jack Jones is 74, Singer-songwriter Allen Toussaint is 74, Actress Faye Dunaway is 71, Actress Holland Taylor is 69, Actor Carl Weathers is 64, Singer-producer T-Bone Burnette is 64, Movie writer-producer Lawrence Kasdan is 63 and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Maureen Dowd is 60.

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January 14th is:  Caesarean Section Day, Dress Up Your Pet Day, Organize Your Home Day and Ratification Day.

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Quip for the day............If all the cars in the country were lined up end to end..........it's probably Memorial Weekend.

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Larryj