another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------hah............

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it.  So I got the ax.
After that I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it.  It was a sew-sew job, anyway.
I tried working in a muffler factory, but the work was too exhausting.
I got a job at a deli, but I couldn't succeed, no matter how I sliced it.  I just couldn't cut the mustard.
I tried fishing for a living, but there was no way I could live on my net income.
I got a job with a pool service, but the work was just too draining.
I thought about becoming a historian, but I decided there was no future in it.
My last job was at Starbucks, but I had to quit.  I couldn't handle the daily grind.
Now I'm trying retirement.  So far, I'm perfect for this job.

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In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest tea taxes.

In 1944, the World War II Battle of the Bulge began as German forces launched a surprise attack against Allied forces in Belgium.

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Today---------------Civil rights attorney Morris Dees is 75, Actress Joyce Bulifant is 74, Actress Liv Ullmann is 73, CBS news correspondent Lesley Stahl is 70, TV producer Steven Bochco is 68, Pop musician Tony Hicks (The Hollies) is 66, Pop singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 65, Actor Ben Cross is 64, Rock musician Bill Bateman (The Blasters) is 60 and Rock musician-singer Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) is 62.

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December 16th is:  Barbie and Barney Backlash Day, National Chocolate-covered Anything Day, Underdog Day and Zionism Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------another hah...........

Message on the grandparents' answering machine:

Hello, sorry to miss your call.  Please select from the following menu.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 1.
If you want to borrow the car, press 2.
If you want us to wash and iron your clothes, press 3.
If you want us to pick up your kids at school, press 4.
If you want to come here and eat, press 5.
If you need money, press 6.

If you are inviting us over for dinner or offering to take us somewhere fun, start talking.  We are listening.

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In 1777, France recognized American independence.

In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered-airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, N.C., using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.

In 1957, the United States successfully test-fired the Atlas intercontinental ballistic missile for the first time.

In 1975, Lynette Fromme was sentenced in Sacramento to life in prison for her attempt on the life of President Gerald R. Ford.  (She was paroled in August 2009.)

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Today-------Actor Armin Mueller-Stahl is 81, Actor George Lindsey is 76, Rock singer-musician Art Neville is 74, Actor Bernard Hill is 67, Actor Ernie Hudson is 66, Political commentator Chris Matthews is 66, Comedian-actor Eugene Levy is 65, Pop musician Jim Bonfanti is 63, Rock singer Paul Rodgers is 62 and Actor Wes Studi is 64.

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December 17th is:  Asarah B'Tevet and Wright Brothers Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------old, still funny............

A burglar with a flashlight is looking around in a house.  Suddenly, a voice in the darkness says, "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar yelps, turns off the flashlight and freezes.  He doesn't move a muscle for more than a minute.  Then he takes a step.  The voice repeats, "Jesus is watching you!"

Freaked out, the burglar snaps the flashlight back on and waves it frantically around the room.  He sees a parrot in the corner and says, "Can you talk?"

The parrot says, "Yes, and I'm warning you.  Jesus is watching."

The relieved burglar laughs and says, "What's your name, parrot?"

"Moses," the parrot replies.

"Moses?  What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"

"The same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler Jesus."

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In 1972, the United States began heavy bombing of  North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War.  (The bombardment ended eleven days later.)

In 2005, animator Joe Barbera died in Los Angeles at age 95.

In 2010, the U.S. Senate approved repeal of the military's 17-year "don't ask, don't tell" ban on openly gay troop in a 65-31 vote.  (President Obama later signed it into law.)

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Today-------------Actor-producer Roger Smith is 79, Blues musician Lonnie Brooks is 78, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards is 68, Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg is 65 and Movie reviewer Leonard Maltin is 61.

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December 18th is:  International Migrants Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------punny..........

An American weatherman, Brad Bradford, and his wife attended a gathering of meteorologists in Moscow.  At the beginning of his remarks to the group, Brad looked out the window and said, "It's a pleasure to be here.  It's a wonderful city and I think we can count on clear skies all week."

The next presenter, a Russian climatologist named Rudolph Rudnikov, opened his remarks by looking out the window and saying, "I agree with everything our American friend has just said, except for his weather forecast.  I believe it will rain tomorrow."

The next morning, it was pouring.  Brad's wife kidded him.  She said, "I guess it's true what they say."

Brad asked, "Yeah?  What do they say?"

She replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, Pa., to camp for the winter.

In 1971, "A Clockwork Orange," Stanley Kubrick's controversial movie adaptation of the Anthony Burgess novel, had its world premiere in the United States.

In 2001, the fires that had burned beneath the ruins of the World Trade Center in New York City for the previous three months were declared extinguished except for a few scattered hot spots.

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Today-------------Country singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 91, Actress Cicely Tyson is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 70, Rock singer Alvin Lee (Ten Years After) is 67, Musician John McEuen is 66 and Jazz musician Lenny White is 62.

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December 19th is:  Day For South-South Cooperation.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------punny #2.............

i happened to be traveling in the Deep South one Christmas season.  I strolled one evening in a downtown park and came upon a Nativity scene that was very elaborately done and quite beautiful.  One small detail puzzled me, however.  The Three Wise Men were wearing fireman's helmets.

My motel was located nearby, and I mentioned the Nativity scene to the clerk.  She knew all about it.  I expressed my curiosity about the Three Wise Men wearing fireman's helmets, and she said, "I reckon y'all don't read your Bible, do you?"

I said, "Whatever do you mean?"

She found a Gideon Bible behind the counter, flipped through the pages, and put her finger on a particular passage.  "See?" she said, triumphantly, "It says right here, the Wise Men came from afar."

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In 1790, the first cotton mill in the U.S. began operating in Pawtucket, R.I.

In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed as ownership of the territory was formally transferred from France to the United States.

In 1860, South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union as all 169 delegates to a special convention in Charleston voted in favor of separation.

In 1963, the Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners, who were allowed one-day visits to relatives in the Eastern sector for the holidays.

In 1989, the United States launched Operation Just Cause, sending troops into Panama to topple the government of Gen. Manuel Noriega.

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Today-------------Actress Audrey Totter is 94, Actor John Hillerman is 79, Actress Kathryn Joosten is 72, Rock musician-music producer Bobby Colomby is 67, Rock musician Peter Criss is 66, Psychic/illusionist Uri Gellar is 65, Producer Dick Wolf ("Law & Order") is 65 and Rock musician Alan Parsons is 63.

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December 20th is:  Hanukkah, International Human Solidarity Day and Mudd Day..

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------hah.........

WORDS OF WISDOM TO REMEMBER AS WE ENJOY THE SEASON OF WINING AND DINING:

Life should not be a timid journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well-preserved, barely used body.

                                                        NO!

The objective should be to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand and cake in the other, hair wrecked, body exhausted, laughing and shouting,

                                                WOO HOO!

                                              WHAT A RIDE!

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In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, MA.

In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln signed a congressional act authorizing the Navy Medal of Honor.

In 1945, Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg, Germany, of injuries from a car accident.

In 1988, 270 people were killed when a terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pam Am 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, sending wreckage crashing to the ground.

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Today-----------Country Singer Freddie Hart is 85, Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno is 85, Actor Ed Nelson is 83, Talk show host Phil Donahue is 76, Movie director John Avildsen is 76, Actress Jane Fonda is 74, Singer Carla Thomas is 69, Musician Albert Lee is 68, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 63 and Movie producer is Jeffrey Katzenberg is 61.

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December 21st is:  Forefather's Day, Crossword Puzzle Day, National Homeless Person's Remembrance Day, Humbug Day, Phileas Fogg Win A Wage Day, World Peace/Winter Solstice and Yalda.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------funny..........

A married couple was out Christmas shopping.  After a while, the husband went missing.  The wife called him and said, with some irritation, "Where the heck are you?"

He replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw that diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I promised you it would be yours one day."

She blushed, smiled, and purred, "Yes, you dear man, I do remember."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

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In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman said in a message to President Abraham Lincoln:  "I beg to present you as a Christmas gift the city of Savannah."

In 1941, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill arrived in Washington for a wartime conference with President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

In 1984, New York City resident Bernhard Goetz shot and wounded four youths on a Manhattan subway, claiming they were about to rob him.

In 2010, President Barack Obama signed a law allowing gays for the first time in history to serve openly in America's military.

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Today------------Former House Speaker Jim Wright is 89, Country singer Red Steagall is 73, Former World Bank Group President  Paul Wolfowitz is 68, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Carlton is 67, ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 66, Rock singer-musician Rick Neilsen (Cheap Trick) is 65, Rock singer-musician Michael Bacon is 63, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Garvey is 63, Singer Robin Gibb is 62, Golfer Jan Stephenson is 60 and Actor Hector Elizondo is 75.

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December 22nd is:  Ann & Samantha Day, National Haiku Poetry Day, National Re-gifting Day and Yule.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------Golden Christmas Quotes..............

"What I hate most about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day."   Phyllis Diller

"Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time we all observe, in our own way, by going to the mall of our choice."    Dave Barry

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else.  We start drinking early.  And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."   W.C. Fields

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note:

TOYS NOT INCLUDED."    Bernard Manning

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In 1783, George Washington resigned as commander in chief of the Continental Army and retired to his home at Mount Vernon, VA.

In 1823, the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (N.Y.) Sentinel; the verse, more popularly known as "Twas the Night Before Christmas," was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.

In 1986, the experimental airplane, Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, completed the first non-stop, non-refueled round-the-world flight as it returned safely to Edwards Air Force Base in California.

In 2001, Time magazine named New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani its Person Of The Year for his steadfast response to the 9/11 terrorist attack.

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Today---------------Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 90, Actor Ronnie Schell is 80, Football Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 76, Actor Frederick Forrest is 75, Actor James Stacy is 75, Rock musician Jorma Kaukonen is 71, Rock musician Ron Bushy is 70, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 68, Gen. Wesley K. Clark is 67, Actress Susan Lucci is 65 and Singer-musician Adrian Belew is 62.

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December 23rd is:  Festivus.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------yep............

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!

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In 1851, fire devastated the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., destroying about 35,000 volumes.

In 1865, several veterans of the Confederate Army formed a social club in Pulaski, Tenn., called the Ku Klux Klan.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appointed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of Allied forces in Europe as part of Operation Overlord.

In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts, orbiting the moon, read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis, during a Christmas Eve telecast.

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Today--------Songwriter-bandleader Dave Batholomew is 91, Author Mary Higgins Clark is 84, Recording company executive Mike Curb is 67 and Rock singer-musician Lemmy (Motorhead) is 66.

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December 24th is:  Christmas Eve.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------the politically correct way to say "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year".............

Have a merry winter solstice holiday as practiced within the traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and a happy onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures)!

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In A.D. 336, the first recorded celebration of Christmas on Dec. 25 took place in Rome.

In 1776, Gen. George Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware River for a surprise attack against Hessian forces at Trenton, N.J.

In 1818, "Silent Night," written by Franz Gruber and Father Joseph Mohr, was performed for the first time, at the Church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorf, Austria.

In 1941, during World War II, Japan announced the surrender of the British-Canadian garrison at Hong Kong.

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Today-------------Singer Tony Martin is 98, Actor Dick Miller is 83, Author Anne Roiphe is 76, Actress Hanna Schygulla is 68, R&B singer John Edwards is 67, Actor Gary Sandy is 66, Singer Jimmy Buffett is 65, Pro and college football Hall-of-Famer Larry Csonka is 65, Country singer Barbara Mandrell is 63 and Actress Sissy Spacek is 62.

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December 25th is:  Christmas

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Larryj