another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------Black Friday..............

It was the day of the big sale.  A long line formed before daybreak in front of the store.  As opening time neared, the crowd grew restless.  Suddenly, a small man pushed his way to the front of the line.  But he was pushed back and subjected to a great number of curses and insults.  He tried again, pushing through the crowd, but again he was rebuffed.  He was punched in the jaw, knocked around several times, and finally sent sprawling. He picked himself up and announced, irately, "OK, I'm going to try one more time.  If anyone else hits me, I won't open the store!"

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In 1783, the British evacuated New York, their last military position in the United States during the Revolutionary War.

In 1940, the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker made his debut in the animated short, "Knock Knock."

In 1961, the first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, the USS Enterprise, was commissioned.

In 1963, the body of President John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery; his widow, Jacqueline, lighted an "eternal flame" at the gravesite.

In 1999, 5-year-old Elian Gonzales was rescued by a pair of sport fishermen off the coast of Florida, setting off an international custody battle.

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Today------- Actress Noel Neill is 91, Actress Kathryn Crosby is 78, Singer Percy Sledge is 71, Pro Football Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs is 71, Author, actor and economist Ben Stein is 67, Actor John Larroquette is 64, Actor Tracey Walter is 64 and Retired MLB All-Star Bucky Dent is 60.

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November 25th is:  International Day For The Elimination Of Violence Against Women, Black Friday, Buy Nothing Day (25-26), Flossing Day, Maize Day, National Day of Listening, Shopping Reminder Day, Sinkie Day, You're Welcoming Day and National Native American Heritage Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------smart............

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Tony Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl?"
"I promised I wouldn't tell."
"Was it Angela Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Tina Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Teresa Capelli?"
"I cannot name her."
"Was it Maria Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Eva DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.  But you've sinned and have to atone.  You cannot be an altar boy now for four months.  Now you go and behave yourself."

Tony walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months of vacation and five good leads!"

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In 1789, this was a day of thanksgiving set aside by President Washington to observe the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.

In 1842, the founders of the University of Notre Dame arrived at the school's present-day site near South Bend, Indiana.

In 1941, U.S. Secretary of State Cordell Hull delivered a note to Japan's ambassador to the United States, Kichisaburo Nomura, proposing an agreement for "lasting and extensive peace throughout the Pacific area."  The same day, a Japanese task force consisting of six aircraft carriers left the Kuril Islands, headed for Hawaii.

In 1973, President Nixon's personal secretary, Rose Mary Woods, told a federal court that she'd accidentally caused part of the 18 1/2-minute gap in a key Watergate tape.

In 1986, President Ronald Reagan appointed a commission to investigate his National Security Council staff in the wake of the Iran-Contra affair.

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Today----------------Actress Ellen Albertini Dow is 98, Impressionist Rich Little is 73, Singer Tina Turner is 72, Singer Jean Terrell is 67, Pop musician John McVie is 66 and Actress Marianne Muellerleile is 63.

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November 26th is:  International Aura Awareness Day, Small Business Saturday and Islamic New Year.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------us seniors are richer than we think we are.............

I am rich in natural resources.
Silver in the hair.
Gold in the teeth.
Crystals in the kidneys.
Sugar in the blood.
Iron in the arteries.
And..............................


An inexhaustible supply of natural gas!

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In 1910, New York's Pennsylvania Station officially opened.

In 1978, San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and City Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay-rights activist, were shot to death inside City Hall by former supervisor Dan White.

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Today---------------------Actor James Avery is 63 and Academy Award-winning director Kathryn Bigelow (Film: "The Hurt Locker") is 60.

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November 27th is:  National Day Of Listening.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------old, but funny, and true..............

My mother taught me RELIGION:  "You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me LOGIC:  "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me IRONY:  "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me STAMINA:  "You'll sit there until all that soup is gone."
My mother taught me GENETICS:  "You're as bad as your father."
My mother taught me JUSTICE:  "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

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In 1861, the Confederate Congress admitted Missouri as the 12th state of the Confederacy after Missouri's disputed secession from the Union.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy dedicated the original permanent headquarters of the Central Intelligence Agency in Langley, Virginia.
And, Ernie Davis of Syracuse University became the first African-American football player to be named winner of the Heisman Trophy.

In 1964, the United States launched the space probe Mariner 4 on a course to Mars.

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Today--------------Recording executive Berry Gordy Jr. is 82, Former Sen. Gary Hart, D-Colo., is 75, CBS News correspondent Susan Spencer is 65, Movie director Joe Dante is 64, "Late Show" orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 62, Actor Ed Harris is 61 and Former NASA teacher in space Barbara Morgan is 60.

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November 28th is:  Cyber Monday.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------ouch............

Lying in his hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.  The priest, standing watch, gently leaned over and asked, "Do you have something you want to say?"

The man nodded frantically.

The priest handed him a pad and pen.  "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife.  She's waiting just outside."

The man scrawled on the pad and pressed it into the priest's hands.  Then he died.

After administering last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife.  He handed her the note.

"Here are his last words.  Just before passing on, he wrote this message."

The wife tearfully opened the note, which read,


"GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!"

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In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 150 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.

In 1929, Navy Lt. Cmdr. Richard E. Byrd, pilot Bernt Balchen, radio operator Harold June and photographer Ashley McKinney made the first airplane flight over the South Pole.

In 1961, Enos the chimp was launched from Cape Canaveral aboard the Mercury-Atlas 5 spacecraft, which orbited Earth twice before returning.

In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island, at age 43.

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Former French President Jacques Chirac is 79, Blues singer-musician John Mayall is 78, Actress Diane Ladd is 76, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 71, Pop singer-musician Felix Cavaliere (The Rascals) is 69, Olympic skier Suzy Chaffee is 65 and Comedian Garry Shandling is 62.

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November 29th is:  Electronics Greeting Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------Aha..........

The Christmas season was in full swing and Judge McDermotty was in a jolly mood.  He asked the day's first defendant to stand before the court and state his offense.

The man stood and said, "I did my Christmas shopping too early."

Judge McDermotty said, "Why, that is no crime at all.  I don't understand why you even were arrested.  How early did you do your Christmas shopping?"

The defendant replied, "Before the store opened."

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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, was born in Florida, MO.

In 1803, Spain completed the process of ceding Louisiana to France, which had sold it to the United States.

In 1960, the last DeSoto was built by Chrysler which had decided to retire the brand after 32 years.

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Today----------Historian Jacques Barzun is 104, Actor Efrem Zimbalist Jr. is 93, Actor Robert Guillianume is 84, TV personality and producer Dick Clark is 82, Movie director Ridley Scott is 74, Rock musician Roger Glover (Deep Purple) is 66, Playwright David Mamet is 64 and Radio talk show host G. Gordon Liddy is 81.

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November 30th is:  Computer Security Day, National Meth Awareness Day, Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting Day and Stay Home Because You're Well Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------gotcha..............

At the train station, three men are in line to buy tickets.  They're on their way to the big game in the city.  In front of them, three women buy a single ticket.  After they board the train, the three men ask the three women how they manage to travel with only one ticket between them.

"Watch and learn," one woman says, as all three of them leave their seats and cram into the restroom at the back of the car.  Shortly, the conductor appears and collects tickets.  When he gets to the restroom, he knocks and says, "Ticket, please."  The door opens a crack and a single hand emerges with a ticket.  The conductor takes it and moves on.

The three men, impressed, decide to try the same trick on the return trip.  At the station they buy a single ticket.  They also encounter the three women, who disclose that they are traveling without any ticket at all.  The men ask how that is possible.

"Watch and learn," one woman says.

When they board the train, the three men cram into the restroom at one end of the car, and the women cram into the restroom at the other end.

When the train gets under way, one of the women leaves the one restroom and walks to the other restroom.  She knocks on the door and says, in a low, gruff voice, "Ticket, please!"

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In 1860, the Charles Dickens novel "Great Expectations" was first published in weekly serial form.

In 1921, the Navy flew the first nonrigid dirigible to use helium; the C-7 traveled from Hampton Roads, VA, to Washington, D.C.

In 1955, Rosa Parks, a black seamstress, was arrested after refusing to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus; the incident sparked a year-long boycott of the buses by blacks.

In 1969, the U.S. government held its first draft lottery since World War II.

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Today-------------Singer Billy Paul is 77, Actor-director Woody Allen is 76, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lee Trevino is 72, Singer Dianne Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 72, Country musician Casey Van Beek (The Tractors) is 69, Rock musician John Densmore (The Doors) is 67, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 66, Singer Gilbert O'Sullivan is 65 and Actor Treat Williams is 60.

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December 1st is:  Bifocals At The Monitor Liberation Day, Civil Air Patrol Day, Day With(out) Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, Special Kids Day and World AIDS Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------funny.......

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.  She puts on her robe and goes downstairs, where she finds him sitting at the table, lost in thought.

She asks, "What's the matter, dear?"

He wipes a tear from his eye and says, "I'm just remembering when we started dating 20 years ago.  We were so young.  Do you remember?"

She says, smiling tenderly, "You're so sweet.  Of course, I do."

He sighs, then says, "Do you remember how your dad caught us on the front porch swing that one night?"

She pats him on the shoulder and says, "Yes, I remember."

"And remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too."

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

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In 1823, President James Monroe outlined his doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere.

In 1927, Ford Motor Co. unveiled its Model A automobile that replaced its Model T.

In 1939, New York Municipal Airport-LaGuardia Field (later LaGuardia Airport) went into operation as an airliner from Chicago landed at one minute past midnight.

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Today------------Actress Julie Harris is 86, Former Attorney General Edwin Meese III is 80, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., is 72, Actress Cathy Lee Crosby is 67, Movie director Penelope Spheeris is 66, Actor Ron Raines is 62 and Country singer John Wesley Ryles is 61.

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December 2nd is:  International Day For The Abolition of Slavery, National Mutt Day and Special Education Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------

Hubby drinks orange juice every morning and he always shakes the bottle a certain way.  It took his wife a long time to figure it out.

She says, "Dear, you always shake the orange juice an even number of times.  Sometimes it's six times, sometimes it's eight times, sometimes it's ten times, but it's always an even number.  Did you know that?"

Hubby says, "Yes, I tried doing it a different way once, and it tasted odd.

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In 1828, Andrew Jackson was elected president of the United States by the Electoral College.

In 1979, 11 people were killed in a crush of fans at Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, where the British rock group, The Who, was performing.

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Today--------------------------Singer Andy Williams is 84, Movie director Jean-Luc Sodard is 81, Singer Jaye P. Morgan is 80, Actor Nicolas Coster is 78, Actress Mary Alice is 70, Actress Heather Menzies is 62 and Rock singer Mickey Thomas is 62.

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December 3rd is:  Earmuff Day Or Chester Greenwood Day, International Day Of Disabled Persons and Skywarn Recognition Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------aha.......

Mr. Adam had been absent from church for several weeks.  The pastor paid a visit to his home and knocked on the door.  Several times.

Though it was obvious that someone was home, no one came to the door.

The pastor wrote a short note and left it behind.  The note read, "And the Lord God called unto Adam and said to him, 'Where art thou?' (Genesis 3:9)."

Next week Mr. Adam attended church.  After the service he greeted the pastor and pressed a note into his hand.  It was the pastor's original note, but underneath the pastor's message Mr. Adam had written, "And he said, 'I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.' (Genesis 3:10)."

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In 1783, Gen. George Washington bade farewell to his Continental Army officers at Fraunces Taven in New York, telling them, "With a heart full of love and gratitude I now take leave of you."

In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor as City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein was named to replace the assassinated George Moscone.

In 1996, the Mars Pathfinder lifted off from Cape Canaveral and began speeding toward Mars on a 310 million-mile odysssey.  (It arrived on Mars in July 1997.

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Today--------Actress-singer Deanna Durbin is 90, Game show host Wink Martindale is 78, Pop singer Freddie Cannon is 75, Actor-producer Max Baer Jr. is 74, Actress Gemma Jones is 69, Rock musician Bob Mosley is 69, Singer-musician Chris Hillman is 67, Musician Terry Woods is 64, Rock singer Southside Johnny Lyon is 63, Actor Jeff Bridges is 62, Rock musician Gary Rossington is 60 and Actress Patricia Wettig is 60.

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December 4th is:  National Cookie Day and National Dice Day.
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Larryj