another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------oooo, slap in the face time.............

Wee Hughie was dying.  His wife, Maggie, knelt by his bedside and asked, tenderly, "Is there anything I can get you, Hughie?"

"No,"  Wee Hughie said.

"There must be something you would like," Maggie insisted.

Faintly, Wee Hughie answered, "A bit of that boiled ham over yonder would be nice."

"Tsk, selfish man!  You can't have that," Maggie said.  "You know it's for the funeral!"

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In 1636, the General Court of Massachusetts passed a legislative act establishing Harvard College.

In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.

In 1991, what became known as "The Perfect Storm" began forming hundreds of miles east of Nova Scotia; lost at sea during the storm were the six crew members of the Andrea Gail, a swordfishing boat from Gloucester, Mass.

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Today------------------Jazz singer Cleo Laine is 84, Actress Joan Plowright is 82, Musician-songwriter Charlie Daniels is 75, Actress Jane Alexander is 72, Singer Curtis Lee is 70, Actor Dennis Franz is 67, Pop singer Wayne Fontana is 66, Actress Telma Hopkins is 63 and Olympic track and field gold medalist Bruce Jenner is 62.

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October 28th is:  National Chocolates Day, St. Jude's Day, International Bandana Day, Frankenstein Friday and National Bread Sticks Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Popular food for Halloween night.

Halloweenies and stump water.

[larryJ]

Today's-----------hah............

There was a gentleman who never said more than was necessary.  He always was brief and to the point.

One day, he responded to a knock on his door.  A sales lady representing a line of beauty products asked to see his wife.

"She isn't here," the man said.

The sales lady asked if she could come in and wait. The man directed her to the sitting room.

Three hours later, the sales lady went looking for the gentleman and said, with concern, "May I ask where your wife has gone?"

He said, "The cemetery."

The sales lady asked, "Will she be returning soon?"

The man replied, "Not likely.  She's been there eleven years now."

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In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday," heralding the beginning of the U.S. Great Depression.

In 1940, Secretary of War Henry L. Stimpson drew the first number -- 158 -- in America's first peacetime military draft.

In 1960, a chartered plane carrying the Cal Poly football team crashed on takeoff from Toledo, Ohio, killing 22 of the 48 people on board.

In 1966, the National Organization for Women was formally organized during a conference in Washington, D.C.

In 1979, on the 50th anniversary of the great stock market crash, anti-nuclear protesters tried but failed to shut down the New York Stock Exchange.

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Today--------------Bluegrass singer-musician Sonny Osborne is 74, Country singer Lee Clayton is 69, Rock musician Denny Laine is 67, Singer Melba Moore is 66, Musician Peter Green is 65, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 64 and Actress Kate Jackson is 63.

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October 29th is:  Internet Day, National Cat Day, Visit a Cemetery Day and World Psoriasis Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

On what kind of street are cemeteries always located.


Dead ends

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------this one is for Judy.............

The little boy queried the parish priest:  "Father, I heard you once say that we all come from dust."

The priest replied:  "That is correct.  I did say that."

Boy:  "And, Father, I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust."

Priest:  Yes, I said that, too.  And I am proud of you for listening so very well."

Boy:  "Well, Father, I wish you would come to our house and look under my bed, because someone is there, and he either is coming or going!"

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In 1921, the silent film classic "The Sheik," starring Rudolph Valentino, premiered in Los Angeles.

In 1938, the radio play "The War of the Worlds," starring Orson Welles, aired on CBS.

In 1945, the U.S. government announced the end of shoe rationing, effective at midnight.

In 1974, Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of a 15-round bout in Kinshasa, Zaire, known as the "Rumble in the Jungle," to regain his world heavyweight title.

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Today-------------Actor Dick Gautier is 74, Movie Director Claude Lelouch is 74, Actor Ed Lauter is 73, Rock singer Grace Slick is 72, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 72, Rhythm-and-blues singer Otis Williams (The Temptations) is 70, Actor Henry Winkler is 66, Rock musician Chris Slade (Asia) is 65, Country/rock musician Timothy B. Schmit (The Eagles) is 64, Actor Leon Rippy is 62 and Actor Harry Hamlin is 60.

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October 30th is:  Haunted Refrigerator Night, National Candy Corn Day, Checklist Day, Create a Great Funeral Day, Devils Night and Reformation Sunday.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

What happened when the huge monster took the 5:00 train home?

The railroad insisted that he give it back.

[larryJ]

Today's------------pun intended?

There was a haunted house on the outskirts of town that was avoided at all costs.  The ghost that "lived" there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the year by photographing the fearsome phantom.  When he entered the house, armed only with his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking his chains and bellowing fiercely.

The newsman said, "I mean no harm -- I just want your photograph."

The ghost, flattered, posed happily for a number of shots.

The journalist rushed back to the newspaper and downloaded his photos.  Sadly, they all were underexposed.  One black square after another.

The newsman swore and kicked his trash can.  A colleague said, "Hey, what's the matter?"

The newsman said,




wait for it............................



"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

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In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.

In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis resulting from a ruptured appendix.

In 1941, work was completed on the Mount Rushmore National Memorial in South Dakota, begun in 1927.

In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson ordered a halt to all U.S. bombing of North Vietnam, saying he hoped for fruitful peace negotiations.

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Today-------------Actress Lee Grant is 84, Movie critic Andrew Sarris is 83, Former astronaut Michael Collins is 81, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 80, Folk singer Tom Paxton is 74, Actor Ron Rifkin is 72, Actress Sally Kirkland is 70, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 69, Actor Stephen Rea is 65, Actress Deidre Hall is 63 and Talk show host Jane Pauley is 61.

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October 31st is:  National Caramel Apple Day, National Knock-knock Jokes Day, Beggar's Night, Books For Treats Day, Halloween, National Magic Day, National UNICEF Day and Samhain.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Last one and one of the oldest third grade jokes.


Why do cemeteries always have a wall around them?

Because people are always dying to get in.

Happy Halloween everybody!

[larryJ]

Today's----------blond joke?

Some people have no clue about the simplest things.  There was the young coed, for example, who spotted a shiny silver Thermos at the store.  She was fascinated.  She took it to the clerk and asked what it was.  The clerk said, "It's a Thermos.  It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," the coed said.  She bought the Thermos and took it to school the next day.  One of her teachers happened to notice it.

"Nice Thermos," the teacher said.

The coed said, "Yes, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"

The teacher said, "I know.  So, what do you have in there now?"

The coed answered, "Two Popsicles and some coffee!"

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In 1765, the Stamp Act went into effect, prompting stiff resistance from American colonists.

In 1952, the United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb, code-named "Ivy Mike," at Enewetak Atoll in the Marshall Islands.

In 1968, the Motion Picture Association of America unveiled its new voluntary film rating system:  G for general, M for mature (later changed to GP, then PG), R for restricted and X (later changed to NC-17) for adults only.

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Today------------------------Actress Betsy Palmer is 85, Golfer Gary Player is 76, Country singer Bill Anderson is 74, Actress Barbara Bosson is 72, Actor Robert Foxworth is 70, Actress Marsha Wallace is 69, Magazine publisher Larry Flynt is 69, Country singer-humorist Kinky Friedman is 67, Actress Jeannie Berlin is 62, Music producer David Foster is 62 and Rhythm-and-blues musician Ronald Khalis Bell (Kool and the Gang) is 60.

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November 1st is:  All Saints Day, Give Up Your Shoulds Day, National Authors Day, National Family Literacy Day and National Go Cook For Your Pets Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------another oops..........

The patient in Room 402 was scheduled to be discharged from the hospital.  The student nurse entered the room with a wheelchair and exchanged greetings with the gentleman she found there.  The man was dressed and holding a suitcase.  Noting the wheelchair, he assured her that no assistance would be needed.

The student nurse explained to him that it was a matter of hospital regulations, and she firmly helped him into the wheelchair, and rolled him to the elevator.

On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him.  "I don't know," he said.  "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders to the Armies of the United States near Princeton, NJ.

In 1861, during the civil war, President Abraham Lincoln relieved Maj. Gen. John C. Fremont of his command of the Army's Department of the West based in St. Louis, following Fremont's unauthorized efforts to emancipate slaves in Missouri.

In 1947, Howard Hughes piloted his huge wooden flying boat, the Hughes H-4 Hercules (derisively dubbed the "Spruce Goose" by detractors), on its only flight, which lasted about a minute over Long Beach Harbor.

In 1979, black militant JoAnne Chesimard escaped from a New Jersey prison, where she'd been serving a life sentence for the 1973 slaying of a New Jersey state trooper, Werner Foerster.  (Chesimard, who took the name Assata Shakur, is believed to be living in Cuba.)

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Today-------------Actress Ann Rutherford is 94, R&B singer Earl "Speedo" Carroll is 74, Singer Jay Black is 73, Political commentator Patrick Buchanan is 73, Actress Stefanie Powers is 69, Author Shere Hite is 69, Rock musician Keith Emerson is 67, Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 66 and Actress Kate Linder is 64.

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November 2nd is:  All Souls Day, Cookie Monster Day, Plan Your Epitaph Day and Traffic Directors Day.

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Larryj