another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------priorities is the word here...........

A man calls a friend and says, "Buddy, I need your help.  My wife is deathly ill and I need money to buy her medicine.  She won't last a day without it.  Can I count on you?"

The friend says, "Listen, Joe, we both know about your gambling problem.  I've given you money before, and you just go and gamble it away.  How do I know this time will be any different?"

Joe says, "Oh, don't worry about that.  Gambling money I've got."

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In 1690, one of the earliest American newspapers, Publick Occurrences, published its first -- and last --- edition in Boston.

In 1789, the first United States Congress adopted 12 amendments to the Constitution and sent them to the states for ratification.  (Ten of the amendments became the Bill of Rights.)

In 1911, ground was broken for Boston's Fenway Park.

In 1957, nine black students who'd been forced to withdraw from Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, because of unruly white crowds were escorted to class by members of the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division.

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Today-------------Broadcast journalist Barbara Walters is 82, Folk singer Ian Tyson is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Joe Russell is 72, Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates is 68, Actor Josh Taylor is 68, Actor-producer Michael Douglas is 67, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 64, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 62, Actor-director Anson Williams is 62, Actor Mark Hamill is 60 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob McAdoo is 60.

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September 25th is:  Gold Star Mother's Day, World Ataxia Awareness Day and National One-Hit-Wonder Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------old, but funny

Two elderly gentlemen are visiting in the living room of one of their homes.  The host says to the guest, "You know, I've been seeing a new doctor about my memory loss, and he's put me on some great new medicine.  I'm so much better now.  The difference is unbelievable."

The other gent says, "That's great.  I need to see that doctor myself.  What is his name?"

The first man hesitates, looks heavenward, strokes his chin, frowns, then says, "It was right on the tip of my tongue.  It's Doctor............Doctor...........why can't I think of it?  Let me see............long stems.......thorns.......red flowers..."

The second man says, "Rose?"

The first man slaps his knee and says, "That's it!"  Then he turns and shouts to his wife in the kitchen, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of my new Doctor?"

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In 1789, Thomas Jefferson was confirmed by the Senate to be the first U.S. Secretary of State;  John Jay, the first chief justice; Edmund Randolph, the first attorney general.

In 1892, John Philip Sousa and his newly formed band performed publicly for the first time at the Stillman Music hall in Plainfield, NJ.

In 1914, the Federal Trade Commission was established.

In 1960, the first-ever debate between presidential nominees took place in Chicago as Democrat John F. Kennedy and Republican Richard M. Nixon faced off before a national TV audience.

In 1990, the Motion Picture Association of America announced it had created a new rating, NC-17, to replace the X rating.

In 1991, four men and four women began a two-year stay inside a sealed-off structure in Oracle, AZ, called Biosphere 2.  (They emerged from Biosphere on this date in 1993.)

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Today----------------Retired baseball All-star Bobby Shantz is 86, Actor Philip Bosco is 81, Actress Donna Douglas is 79, Actor Richard Herd is 79, South African Nationalist Winnie Madikizela-Mandella is 75, Country singer David Frizzell is 70, Actor Kent McCord is 69, Television host Anne Robinson is 67, Singer Bryan Ferry is 66, Actress Mary Beth Hurt is 65, Singer Lynn Anderson is 64 and Singer Olivia Newton-John is 63.

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September 26th is:  Shamu the Whale Day, Family Day--A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Kids, World Heart Day, World Maritime Day and Johnny Appleseed Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah


A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

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In 1928, the United States said it was recognizing the Nationalist Chinese government.

In 1941, was "Liberty Fleet Day" as the United States launched 14 rapidly built military cargo vessels, including the first Liberty ship, the SS Patrick Henry, which was personally launched by President Franklin D. Roosevelt in Baltimore.

In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time, Theater in Passaic, NJ, prior to Miller's entry into the Army.

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Today-----------------Actress Jayne Meadows is 91, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 78, Actor Wilfred Brimley is 77, Actor Claude Jarman, Jr. is 77, Author Barbara Howar is 77, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Kathy Whitworth is 72, Singer-musician Randy Bachman (Bachman-Turner Overdrive) is 68, Rock singer Meat Loaf is 64, Actress Liz Torres is 64, Actor A. Martinez is 63, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is 62, Actor Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is 61 and Producer Don Cornelius ("Soul Train") is 75.

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September 27th is:  Ancestor Appreciation Day, World Tourism Day, Peregian Spring Tides and Google's Birthday.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------I must be getting old, seems like I've heard all these before...........

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!" Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

Another one:  The doctor gave his patient a thorough examination, then told him, "I'm sorry.  There's no easy way to say this.  You are terminally ill.  I'm afraid I can't give you more than three months to live."

Three months later, the man called his doctor and said, "Guess what, Doc!  I'm still here."

The doctor says, "That's great. Oh, by the way, you haven't paid your bill yet."

"No, I guess I haven't."

"Tell you what.  I'll give you another three months to live."

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In 1920, eight members of the Chicago White Sox were indicted for allegedly throwing the 1919 World Series against the Cincinnati Reds.  (All were acquitted at trial, but all eight were banned from the game for life.)

In 1974, first lady Betty Ford underwent a mastectomy at Bethesda Naval Medical Center in Maryland, following discovery of a cancerous lump in her breast.

In 1991, jazz great Miles Davis died in Santa Monica at age 65.

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Today------------Actor William Windom is 88, Actress Brigitte Bardot is 77, Singer Ben E. King is 73, Actor Joel Higgins is 68, Singer Helen Shapiro is 65 and Movie writer-director-actor John Sayles is 61.

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September 28th is:  Fish Tank Floorshow Night, Rosh Hashana and National Good Neighbor Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah

Sister Anne joined a nunnery.  The Abbess welcomed her and said, "This is a silent convent.  You may not speak until instructed."

Five years later, the Abbess summoned Sister Anne and said, "You may speak two words."

Sister Anne said, "Hard bed."

The Abbess said, "I'm sorry to hear that.  We will get you a better bed."

Five years later, Sister Anne was summoned again.  "You may speak two words," the Abbess said.

Sister Anne said, "Cold food."

"I'll speak with the cook," the Abbess said.

Five years later, on the 15th anniversary of her admission to the convent, Sister Anne again was allowed to say two words.  She said, "I quit."

The Abbess said, "It's probably best.  You've done nothing but complain ever since you've been here."

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In 1789, the U.S. War Department established a regular army with a strength of several hundred men.

In 1910, the National Urban League had its beginnings as The Committee on Urban Conditions Among Negroes.  It was established in New York.

In 1982, Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first of seven victims in the Chicago area.  (The case remains unsolved.)

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Today-------------Actress Lizabeth Scott is 89, Actor Steve Forrest is 86, Actress Anita Ekberg is 80, Lech Walesa, the former president of Poland, is 68, Television-film producer Mike Post is 67, TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 63, Country singer Alvin Crow is 61 and Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 76.

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September 29th is: National Attend Your Grandchild's Birthday, National Women's Health and Fitness Day, VFW Day and National Coffee Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------OOOOKKKAAAAAAAYYYY...............

A man and wife of many years are sipping wine on the patio of their home.  At one point the woman says, "I love you so much.  I don't know if I could live without you."

Hubby says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

The wife says, "It's me.............talking to the wine."

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In 1809, a treaty was signed by Indiana Territory Gov. William Henry Harrison and representatives of four Indian tribes under which the Indians sold some 3 million acres of land to be used for U.S. settlements.

In 1955, actor James Dean, 24, was killed in a two-car collision near Cholame.

In 1962, black student James Meredith was escorted by federal marshals to the campus of the University of Mississippi where he enrolled for classes the next day.

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Today-------------Nobel Peace Laureate Elie Wiesel is 83, Actress Angie Dickinson is 80, Singer Cissy Houston is 78, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 68, Actress Victoria Tennant is 61 and Singer Johnny Mathis is 76,

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September 30th is:  Blasphemy Day, Ask A Stupid Question Day and Hug A Vegetarian Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------it's twilight zone time.............

A Dublin University student was hitchhiking during a severe storm in the Irish lowlands.  Visibility was near zero in the dense fog.  Suddenly he saw the dim image of approaching headlights.  A car appeared, and stopped in front of him.  He hopped in.  The car started moving again.

He turned to thank the driver.  There was nobody behind the wheel!  There was nobody else in the car!  He looked around wildly.  He could see nothing, but he heard the sounds of moaning and groaning.  He had been taken by spirits!

Terrified, he prayed for his life as the ghost car moved slowly down the road.  After almost an hour, he saw the lights of a pub ahead.  He leaped from the car and ran wildly toward the pub.  Once inside, he told everyone the harrowing story of his ordeal.

A few minutes later, two other men walked in, drenched and exhausted.  One of them announced to the bartender, "Our car broke down about three miles back and we've pushed it all the way here.  Lousy car.  I swear, it got heavier that last mile."

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In 1908, Henry Ford introduced his Model T automobile to the market.

In 1949, a 42-day strike by the United Steelworkers of America began over the issue of retirement benefits.

In 1971, Walt Disney World opened near Orlando, Florida.

In 1986, former President Jimmy Carter's presidential library and museum were dedicated in Atlanta with help from President Reagan.

In 1987, eight people were killed when an earthquake measuring 5.9 struck the Los Angeles area.

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Today-------------Pianist Roger Williams is 87, Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 76, Actress Stella Stevens is 73, Rock musician Jerry Martini (Sly and the Family Stone) is 68, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew is 66, Jazz musician Dave Holland is 65, Actor Steven Collins is 64, Actress Yvette Freeman is 61, Actor Randy Quaid is 61 and Former President Jimmy Carter is 87.

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October 1st is:  International Day Of Older Persons, Fire Pup Day, Fall Astronomy Day, National Lace Day, Inter-American Water Day, World Card Making Day and World Vegetarian Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------May the Good Lord help us, it is going to be "knock knock" joke week............yuk

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry. It's just a joke.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Albie.
Albie who?
Albie out here if you need me.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Madam!
Madam who?
Madam foot got caught in the door!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

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In 1835, the first battle of the Texas Revolution took place as American settlers fought Mexican soldiers near the Guadalupe River; the Mexicans ended up withdrawing.

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson suffered a serious stroke at the White House that left him paralyzed on his left side.

In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts," created by Charles M. Schulz, was syndicated to seven newspapers.

In 1970, one of two chartered twin-engine planes flying the Wichita State University football team to Utah crashed into a mountain near Silver Plume, Colorado, killing 31 of the 40 people on board.

In 1971, the music program "Soul Train" made its debut in national syndication.

In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at his Beverly Hills home at age 59 after battling AIDS.

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Today---------Country singer-musician Leon Rausch (Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys) is 84, Retired MLB All-Star Maury Wills is 79, Movie critic Rex Reed is 73, Singer-songwriter Don McLean is 66, Actor Avery Brooks is 63, Fashion Designer Donna Karan is 63, Photographer Annie Leibovitz is 62, Rock musician Mike Rutherford (Genesis, Mike and the Mechanics) is 61 and Singer-actor Sting is 60.

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October 2nd is:  Phileas Fogg's Wager Day, Change A Light Day, National Custodial Worker's Day, Guardian Angels Day, Techie's Day, World Communion Day, International Day Of Non-Violence and World Farm Animals Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

OK! Knock knock!
      Who's there?
      Annie
      Annie who?
      Annie thing you can do I can do better!

[larryJ]

Today's-------------I don't know if I can make it through this week

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Isaiah.
Isaiah who?
Isaiah nothing until you open this door.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Wah!
Wah who?
You don't have to get so excited about it.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Delores.
Delores who?
Delores is my shepherd.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Are you some kind of nut?

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In 1789, President George Washington declared Nov. 26, 1789, a day of Thanksgiving to express gratitude for the creation of the United States of America.

In 1941, "The Maltese Falcon," starring Humphrey Bogart and directed by John Huston opened in New York.

In 1961, "The Dick Van Dyke Show," also starring Mary Tyler Moore, made its debut on CBS.

In 1995, the jury in the O.J. Simpson murder trial found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.  (Simpson was later found liable in a civil case.)

In 2008, O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbing two sports-memorabilia dealers at gunpoint in a Las Vegas hotel room.  (Simpson was later sentenced to nine to 35 years in prison.)

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Today-------------Author Gore Vidal is 86, Basketball player Marques Haynes is 85, Composer Steve Reich is 75, Singer Alan O'Day is 71, Rock and Roll star Chubby Checker is 70, Actor Alan Rachins is 69, Magician Roy Horn is 67, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 62, Blues singer Keb' Mo' is 60 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Dave Winfield is 60.

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October 3rd is:  Child Health Day and World Habitat Day.

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Larryj