another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------was old, repeat, back to the archives.............

A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.

One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with fuel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"

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In 1908, General Motors was founded in Flint, Michigan, by William C. Durant.

In 1919, the American Legion received a national charter from Congress.

In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Selective Training and Service Act.

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Today--------Actress Janis Paige is 89, Actress Lauren Bacall is 87, Blues singer B.B. King is 86, Clergyman-author Rev. Robert H Schuller is 85, Actor George Chakiris is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer Betty Kelly (Martha and the Vandellas) is 67, Actress Susan Ruttan is 63, Actor Ed Begley, Jr. is 62 and Country singer David Bellamy (The Bellamy Brothers) is 61.

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September 16th is:  Anne Bradstreet Day, Constitution Day/Pledge Across America, International Day For The Preservation Of The Ozone Layer, Mayflower Day, National POW/MIA Recognition Day, Stay Away From Seattle Day, Step Family Day and Trail Of Tears Commemoration Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------could have been a blond joke.......
 
The Auto Club tow truck driver is between calls.  He spots a car on the shoulder.  The car has an Auto Club sticker on the bumper, so the tow truck driver stops to help.

"What seems to be the problem?"  he asks.

The motorist is standing outside her car, working hard to angle a stick through a crack in the driver's-side window.  "Oh, thank Heaven," she says.  "I stopped here to get something out of my trunk, and I managed to lock myself out of the car. I've been here almost an hour."

The tow truck driver takes a walk around the car, to assess the situation.  He notices that the passenger-side door is unlocked.  The door opens easily.  "Check it out," he says to the motorist.

The motorist says, "Oh, yeah, I already got that side open.

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In  1787, the Constitution of the United States was completed and signed by a majority of delegates attending the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.

In 1911, Calbraith P. Rodgers set off from Sheepshead Bay, NY, aboard a Wright biplane in an attempt to become the first flier to travel the width of the United States.  (The 49-day journey required 69 stops before Rodgers arrived in Pasadena on Nov. 5.

In 1978, after meeting at Camp David, Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat signed a framework for a peace treaty.

In 1986, the Senate confirmed the nomination of William H. Rehnquist to become the 16th chief justice of the United States.

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Today-----------------Actor David Huddleston is 81, Singer LaMonte McLemore is 76, Singer Fee Waybill is 61, Actress Cassandra Peterson (Elvira) is 60 and Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Phil Jackson is 66.

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September 17th is:  Constitution Day, Citizenship Day, Big Whopper Liar Day, International Eat An Apple Day, International Coastal Cleanup Day, Puppy Mill Awareness Day, Responsible Dog Ownership Day and VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day.

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BONUS........................

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME................

Religion....................."You had better pray that comes out of the carpet."
Logic........................."Because I said so, that's why."
Irony........................."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
Wisdom....................."When you get to my age, you'll understand."
Justice......................."One day you'll have kids.  I hope they turn out just like you."

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

I thought a few of our posters would mention that today is Constitution Day, but so far nobody has.

[larryJ]

Today's-------------hah.............

The decrepit car creeped up a steep grade on one of those toll roads in Laguna Canyon.  With great effort it struggled into line at the toll station.  It wheezed to a stop, fluids dripping from underneath it, and smoke curling up from under the hood.

The toll station attendant called out, "Four dollars."

The motorist shouted, "SOLD!"

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In 1850, Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which created a force of federal commissioners charged with returning escaped slaves to their owners.

In 1947, the National Security Act, which created a National Military Establishment, went into effect.

In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.

In 1975, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

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Today-----------Singer Jimmie Rodgers is 78, Actor Robert Blake is 78, Actor Fred Willard is 72, Singer Frankie Avalon is 71, Rock musician Kerry Livgren is 62 and Actress Anna Deavere Smith is 61.

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September 18th is:  Chiropractic Founders Day, Air Force Birthday, Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day, National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day, World Water Monitoring Day, National Respect Day and (pay attention, guys) WIFE APPRECIATION DAY.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------what a pal............

Two guys on a photo safari in Africa are far from shelter or protection.  Suddenly they realize that a lioness has crept up behind them and they are in eminent danger of being attacked.

One of them immediately bends down, whips off his safari boots and slips on running shoes.

"You're wasting your time," the other says.  "You'll never outrun a lion."

The first one replies, "I don't have to outrun the lion.  I only have to outrun you."

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In 1796, President George Washington's farewell address was published.

In 1957, the United States conducted its first contained underground nuclear test, code-named "Rainier", in the Nevada desert.

In 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev, visiting Los Angeles, reacted angrily upon being told that, for security reasons, he wouldn't get to visit Disneyland.

In 1960, Cuban leader Fidel Castro, in New York to visit the United Nations, angrily checked out of the Shelbourne Hotel in a dispute with the management;  Castro ended up staying at the Hotel Theresa in Harlem.

In 1970, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" debuted on CBS-TV.

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Today---------Author Roger Angell is 91, TV host James Lipton ("Inside the Actor's Studio") is 85, Actress Rosemary Harris is 84, Actor Adam West is 81, Actor David McCallum (NCIS) is 78, Singer-songwriter Paul Williams is 71, Singer Bill Medley is 71, Actor Jeremy Irons is 63, Actress Twiggy Lawson is 62, TV host Joan Lunden is 61 and Singer-producer Daniel Lanois is 60.

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September 19th is:  Talk Like A Pirate Day, (Arrgh) and National Women Road Warrior Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------funny............

I have been in a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently you can't go alone.  You have to be in cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not in the shape I used to be.

I have been in Sane.  Apparently they don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

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In 1884, The National Equal Rights Party was formed during a convention of suffragists in San Francisco; the convention nominated Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood for president.

In 1958, Martin Luther King, Jr. was seriously wounded during a book signing at a New York City department store when Izola Curry stabbed him in the chest.  (Curry was later found mentally incompetent.)

In 1973, in their so-called "battle of the sexes." tennis star Billy Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in straight sets, 6-4, 6-3, 6-3 at the Houston Astrodome.

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Today-------------Singer Gogi Grant is 87, Actress-comedian Anne Meara is 82, Actress Sophia Loren is 77, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Taylor is 76, Rock musician Chuck Panozzo is 64, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Guy LaFleur is 60 and Actress Debbi Morgan is 60.

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September 20th is:  National Punch Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------funny.............

The men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and starts to talk.  The others in the room can't help but hear.

Man:  "Hello."

Woman:  "Hi, honey, it's me.  I'm shopping, and I found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000.  Can I put it on your credit card?"

Man:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman:  "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.  I saw one I really liked.  It's $90,000."

Man:  "Okay, but for that price I want all the options."

Woman:  "Great!  Oh, and one more thing.  I found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.  They're asking $980,000."

Man:  "Well, go ahead and make an offer of $900,000."

Woman:  "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"

Man:  "Bye!  I love you, too."

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in shock.

The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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In 1893, one of America's first horseless carriages was taken for a short test drive in Springfield, MA, by Frank Duryea, who had designed the vehicle with his brother, Charles.

In 1937, "The Hobbit," by J.R.R. Tolkien was first published.

In 1948, Milton Berle made his debut as permanent host of "The Texaco Star Theater" on NBC-TV.

In 1970, "NFL Monday Night Football" made its debut on ABC-TV as the Cleveland Browns defeated the visiting New York Jets, 31-21.

In 1981, the Senate unanimously confirmed the nomination of Sandra Day O'Conner to become the first female justice on the Supreme Court.

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Today-------------Actor Karl Slover ("The Wizard Of Oz") is 93, Actor Larry Hagman is 80, Poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen is 77, Author-comedian Fannie Flagg is 70, Producer Jerry Bruckheimer is 68, Musician Don Felder is 64, Author Steven King is 64 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Artis Gilmore is 62.

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September 21st is:  World Alzheimer Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------repeat, I think, somewhere else on the forum, but funny...........

A sweet old lady calls St. Stephens Hospital.  She timidly asks, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator says, "Of course, dear.  What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The old lady says, in a weak, tremulous voice, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replies, "Let me check with the nurse's station for that room."

A minute later, the operator returns to the phone and says, "I have good news.  Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.  Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has cleared her to be discharged tomorrow."

The old lady says, "That's wonderful.  I was so worried.  God bless you for the good news."

The operator replies, "You're more than welcome.  Is Norma your daughter?"

The old lady says, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.  Nobody here will tell me squat."

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In 1776, during the Revolutionary War, Capt. Nathan Hale, 21, was hanged as a spy by the British in New York.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.

In 1911, pitcher Cy Young, 44, gained his 511th and final career victory as he hurled a 1-0 shutout for the Boston Rustlers against the Pittsburgh Pirates at Forbes Field.

In 1961, the Interstate Commerce Commission issued rules prohibiting racial discrimination on Interstate buses.
             And, Actress Marion Davies died in Los Angeles at age 64.

In 1975, Sara Jane Moore attempted to shoot President Gerald R. Ford outside a San Francisco hotel, but missed.  (Moore served 32 years in prison before being paroled on Dec. 31, 2007.

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Today--------NBA Commissioner David Stern is 69, Musician King Sunny Ade is 65, Actor Paul Le Mat is 65, Capt. Mark Philips is 63 and Former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda is 84.

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September 22nd is:  Dear Diary Day, International Day of Peace, Elephant Appreciation Day, American Business Women's Day, Hobbit Day , Car Free Day and National White Chocolate Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------an aha joke.............

An elderly gentleman of means suffered a serious hearing problem for years.  Finally he went to a specialist who fitted him with a new hearing aid that restored 100 percent of his hearing.

The gentleman went back in a month for a checkup and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be very pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.  I just sit around and listen to the conversation.  I've changed my will three times!"

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In 1780, British spy John Andres was captured along with papers revealing Benedict Arnold's plan to surrender West Point  to the British.

In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.

In 1957, nine black students who had entered Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas were forced to withdraw because of a white mob outside.

In 1981, the Reagan administration announced plans for what became known as "Radio Marti."

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Today------------Actor Mickey Rooney is 91, Actress Margaret Pellegrini ("The Wizard of Oz") is 88, Singer Julio Iglesias is 68, Actor Paul Peterson ("The Donna Reed Show") is 66 and Actress-singer Mary Kay Place is 64.

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September 23rd is:  Love Note Day, Restless Legs Awareness Day, Hug a Vegetarian Day, Celebrate Bi-sexuality Day, Mabon and the Autumnal Equinox.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------gotta think about this one......

Two men are sitting at a bar in the sky lounge of a tall building.  One is a newspaper reporter and the other is a tax attorney.  The newsman is bored by the lawyer's repeated attempts to make conversation.

Finally, the newsman calls the bartender over and says, "Hey, Mac, fix me a Flying Squirrel."

When the drink arrives, the newsman gulps it down, walks to an open window, leaps out and flies away.

The tax attorney says to the bartender, "Wow, that's amazing.  Fix me one of those Flying Squirrels, will you?"

The drink arrives, the attorney gulps it, walks to the window, jumps out and plummets to his doom.

A few minutes later, the reporter walks back into the bar.  The bartender says, "That's a dirty trick, Superman."

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In 1961, "Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color" premiered on NBC (it succeeded Disney's anthology series on ABC).

In 1976, former hostage Patricia Hearst was sentenced to seven years in prison for her part in a 1974 bank robbery in San Francisco carried out by the Symbionese Liberation Army.  (Hearst was released after 22 months after receiving clemency from President Jimmy Carter.)

In 1991, Children's author Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as "Dr. Seuss" died in La Jolla, CA, at age 87.

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Today---------------Actor-singer Herb Jeffries is 100, Actress Sheila MacRae is 87, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Sonny Turner (The Platters)is 72, Singer Barbara Allbut (The Angels) is 71, Singer Phyllis "Jiggs" Allbut (The Angels) is 69, Singer Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 69, News anchor Lou Dobbs is 66, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Greene is 65 and Actor Gordon Clapp is 63.

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September 24th is:  Boys and Girls Club Day For Kids, AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day, Family Health and Fitness Day, Innergize Day, Punctuation Day, Fish Amnesty Day, National Museum Day, Kids Day (Kiwanis Clubs), National Public Lands Day, National Hunting and Fishing Day and R.E.A.D in America Day.

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Larryj