another slice of wry

[jarhead]

Doc, You and them elephant jokes---you need to take two Darvons--wash them down with a hot beer---then call me in the morning

[doobie]

no disrespect to larryj. just have a different hidin' place for my elephant that's gotten a manicure

[Diane Amberg]

What's big and gray and wears a mask?









Elephantom of the Opera.

[larryJ]

Today's------------------more...............sheeeeesh.............

Q:  How do you get down from an elephant?
A:  You don't!  You get down from a goose.

Q:  Why don't elephants like to play cards?
A:  Because of all the cheetahs.

Q:  What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A:  About 3,000 miles.

Q:  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A:  Big holes all over Australia.

Q:  What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
A:  Cold ones.

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In 1936, Jesse Owens of the United States won the 200-meter dash at the Berlin Olympics, collecting the third of his four gold medals.

In 1962, actress Marilyn Monroe, 36, was found dead at her Los Angeles home; her death was ruled a probable suicide from an overdose of sleeping pills.

In 1963, the United States, Britain and the Soviet Union signed a treaty in Moscow banning nuclear tests in the atmosphere, in space and underwater.

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Today-------------Former astronaut Neil A. Armstrong is 81, Actor John Saxon is 75, College football Hall-of-Famer Roman Gabriel is 71, Actress Loni Anderson is 66 and Actress Holly Palance is 61.

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August 5th is:  International Beer Day and Braham Pie Day.

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Larryj

[doobie]

Today is really international beer day?  What an AWESOME holiday!!!! I'm going to participate with my international brothers and sisters, in a day of rejoicing.  HAPPY INTERNATIONAL BEER DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[larryJ]

Today's-------------(Quote from the paper)  Elephant joke week is almost over.  This is the last day.  The elephants are crying.  We all are.

Q:  What's the proper thing to do if you find a green elephant?
A:  Wait until it gets ripe.

Q:  Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A:  So they can hide up-side-down in the custard, of course.

Q:  What goes clomp, clomp, clomp squish?
A:  An elephant with a wet sneaker.

Q:  Why did the Frenchman sprinkle salt on the road?
A:  To keep the elephants away.

Q:  But there are no elephants in France.
A:  See, it's working!

Q:  What do elephants do for laughs?
A:  They tell people jokes.

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In 1911, Lucille Ball, actress-comedian, was born in Jamestown, NY.

In 1945, during World War II, the United States dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, resulting in 140,000 deaths.

In 1991, the World Wide Web made its public debut as a means of accessing web pages over the Internet.
Also, TV newsman Harry Reasoner died in Norwalk, Conn., at age 68.

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Today-------------Jazz musician Charlie Haden is 74, Actor Dorian Harewood is 61 and Actress Catherine Hicks is 60.

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August 6th is:  Hiroshima Day, National Mustard Day and National Fresh Breath (Halitosis) Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

What's big and gray with horns?

An elephant band.


Two elephants were standing under one umbrella.  Why didn't they get wet?




It wasn't raining.

[larryJ]

Today's-------------uh huh....................

Aristocrat:  Who's at the door, Jeeves?

Manservant:  It's a fellow who claims to be related to you and says he can prove it.

Aristocrat:  The man's a fool.

Manservant:  That may be a mere coincidence.

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In 1782, Gen. George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize the merit in enlisted men and non-commissioned officers.

In 1882, the famous feud between the Hatfields and McCoys of Kentucky erupted into full-scale violence.

In 1942, U.S. and allied forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during World War II.

In 1959, the United States launched the Explorer 6 satellite, which sent back images of Earth.

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Today--------------Writer-producer Stan Freburg is 85, Rhythm-and-blues singer Herb Reed (The Platters) is 83, Magician, author and lecturer James Randi is 83, Former baseball pitcher Don Larsen is 82, Bluesman Magic Slim is 74, Actress Verna Bloom is 72, Humorist Garrison Keillor is 69, Singer B.J. Thomas is 69, Singer Lana Cantrell is 68, Actor John Glover is 67 and Actor David Rasche is 67.

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August 7th is:  National Kids' Day, Lighthouse Day, Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day, Professional Speakers Day, Sister's Day and Purple Heart Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's...........sounds familiar......

Susie was by her husband's side when he regained consciousness in the hospital.  He was in a full body cast.

"Thank Heavens!" she cried.  "How are you feeling, darling?  You were in a horrible accident!"

He looked around the room, moving only his eyes.  Then he looked at her, for a long time.  A tear spilled down his cheek.

"Sweetheart," he said with a hoarse voice, "You've been with me through all the bad times.  When I got fired, you stood by my side.  You were there for me when my own business failed, and when we lost the house, and when my dog ran away, and when I was so sick that time.  And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she said, smiling and leaning forward.

He closed his eyes, then opened them again.  He said, "I think you're bad luck."

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In 1911, President William Howard Taft signed a measure raising the number of members in the U.S. House of Representatives from 391 to 433, effective with the next Congress, with a proviso to add two more members when New Mexico and Arizona became states.
(The number of House seats has remained at 435 ever since, except for a temporary increase to 437 after Alaska and Hawaii were admitted to the Union.)

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Today--------------Actress Esther Williams is 90, Joan Mondale, wife of former Vice President Walter F. Mondale, is 81, Singer Mel Tillis is 79, Actress Connie Stevens is 73, Actor Larry Wilcox is 64, Actor Keith Carradine is 62 and Actor Dustin Hoffman is 74.

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August 9th is:  Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night, The Day To Create, Happiness Happens Day and Odie Day (Garfield's pal).

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------old, still funny..............

A man walks into a bar, says he just moved to town, and orders three mugs of beer.  He drinks one, the other, then the other.

Next day, he does the same thing.  In fact, he comes in every day and repeats the ritual.  Everyone notices.  One day, the bartender says, "You know, beer goes flat pretty fast.  It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers, who live in different states.  We promised each other, when we went our separate ways, that we'd drink this way to honor the good old days when we were together."

The bartender smiles and says, "I understand."

Months go by.  The man comes in every day and drinks three beers, one at a time.  Then one day he orders just two.  The bartender is shocked.  Everyone is shocked.  The bar falls silent.

The bartender says, "Listen, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I'm sorry for your loss."

The man laughs, and says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine.  It's just that I've decided, for health reasons, to quit drinking.  Doesn't affect my brothers, though.

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In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's Los Angeles home; cult leader Charles Manson and a group of his followers were later convicted of the crime.

In 1995, Jerry Garcia, lead singer of the Grateful Dead, died in Forest Knolls of a heart attack at age 53.

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Today-------------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Cousy is 83, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Ken Norton is 68, Actor Sam Elliott is 67 and Singer Barbara Mason is 64.

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August 9th is:  Tish B'av, International Day of the World's Indigenous People and Veep Day.

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Larryj