another slice of wry

[Diane Amberg]

That one was one of several we had posted on the teachers room wall.

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------hah.............

Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, "Goodie, three wishes!" The frog then said, "No, six wishes since there are two of you." They got even more excited.
The bear went first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.

The bear hesitated, then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit already knew what he wanted, "I wish for a motorcycle!" POOF! His wish was granted.

The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!"

The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, "I wish the bear were gay."

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In 1775, Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army in Cambridge, MA.

In 1863, the three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as the Confederates retreated.

In 1890, Idaho became the 43rd state in the Union.

In 1898, the U.S. Navy defeated a Spanish fleet in Santiago Bay in Cuba.

In 1986, President Ronald Reagan presided over a gala ceremony in New York harbor that saw the relighting of the renovated Statue of Liberty.

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Today-------------Movie director Ken Russell is 84, Jazz musician Pete Fountain is 81, Singer Fontella Bass is 71, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 68, Country singer Johnny Lee is 65 and Author-columnist Dave Barry is 64.

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July 3rd is:  Compliment Your Mirror Day and (appropriately) Stay Out Of The Sun Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------Happy Independence Day!

TOP 5 FOURTH OF JULY JOKES:

"What did one flag say to the other?"
"Nothing.  It just waved."

Teacher:  Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Student:  It was too far to walk.

"Do they have a fourth of July in England?"
"Yes, it comes between the 3rd and the 5th."

Teacher:  Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Student:  On the bottom!

Q:  What did King George think of the American colonists?
A:  He thought they were revolting!

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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by delegates to the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia.

In 1802, the United States Military Academy officially opened at West Point, NY.

In 1831, the fifth president of the United States, James Monroe, died in New York City at age 73.

In 1894, the Republic of Hawaii was proclaimed.  (Hawaii was annexed by the United States four years later.)

In 1911, pop music conductor Mitch Miller was born in Rochester, NY.

In 1939, Lou Gehrig of the New York Yankees delivered his famous farewell speech in which he called himself "the luckiest man on the face of the earth."

In 1959, America's 49 star flag, honoring Alaska statehood, was officially unfurled.

In 1960, America's 50 star flag, honoring Hawaiian statehood was officially unfurled.

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Today------------Advice columnist Pauline Phillips (the original "Dear Abby") is 93, Actress Eva Marie Saint is 87, Actress Gina Lollobrigida is 84, Playwright Neil Simon is 84, Country singer Ray Pillow is 74, Singer Bill Withers is 73, Actor Ed Bernard is 72, Actress Karolyn Grimes is 71, Singer Annette Beard (Martha and the Vandellas) is 68, Rock musician Ralph Johnson (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 60 and Broadcast journalist  Geraldo Rivera is 68.

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July 4th is:  Independence Day, Independence From Meat Day, Indivisible Day and Earth At Aphelion.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Great jokes....perfect for today. Thanks.  Why did the excited hot dog keep talking at great length about Independence Day? He was on a roll! (third grade joke )

[larryJ]

Today's--------------another whoops...........

Hubby was at work when he got a call from his wife.  She was sobbing.  "It's my car!" she said, "I flooded the engine!"

Hubby smiled, "Don't worry, honey," he said.  "Just let it rest awhile and then try again."

"I don't think that will work."

"Why not?"

"I put it into forward instead of reverse and drove it through the back of the garage and into the swimming pool!"

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In 1865, William Booth founded the Salvation Army in London.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act.

In 1946, the bikini, created by Louis Reard, was worn by Micheline Bernardini during a poolside fashion show in Paris.

In 1947, Larry Doby made his debut with the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League.

In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon certified the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which lowered the minimum voting age from 21 to 18.

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Today----------------Actress Katherine Helmond is 82, Actress Shirley Knight is 75, Singer-musician Robbie Robertson is 68, Julie Nixon Eisenhower is 63, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Goose Gossage is 60 and Rock singer Huey Lewis is 61.

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July 5th is:  Bikini Day

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------uh oh or oh no.............

Joe went for his annual checkup and took his wife, June, along.  After the exam, the doctor escorted Joe out of his office and asked June to come in.

"Your husband is in bad shape," he told her.  "His stress is going to kill him unless something is done.  I want you to treat him with kid gloves and cater to his every whim.  Do everything you can to keep him in a good mood.  Fix him only the foods he likes.  Don't argue with him.  Don't question him.  Don't make him do unpleasant chores.  If you do all these things, there's a chance he might live."

On the way home, Joe asked June, "What did the doctor say to you?"

June replied, "He said you're going to die."

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In 1885, French scientist Louis Pasteur tested an anti-rabies vaccine on 9-year-old Joseph Meister, who had been bitten by an infected dog; the boy did not develop rabies.

In 1944, an estimated 168 people died in a fire that broke out during a performance in the main tent of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus in Hartford, Connecticut.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman signed an executive order establishing the Medal of Freedom.

In 1957, Althea Gibson became the first black tennis player to win a Wimbledon singles title as she defeated fellow American Darlene Hard 6-3, 6-2.

In 1971, jazz trumpeter and singer Louis Armstrong died in New York at age 69.

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Today----------------Actor William Schallert is 89, Singer-actress Della Reese is 80, The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, Tenzin Gyatso is 76, Actor Ned Beatty is 74, Singer Gene Chandler is 71, Country singer Jeannie Seely is 71, Actor Burt Ward is 66, Former President George W. Bush is 65, Actor-director Sylvester Stallone is 65, Actor Fred Dryer is 65, Actress Shelley Hack is 64, Actress Nathalie Baye is 63, Actress Allyce Beasley is 60, Actor Geoffrey Rush is 60 and Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 90.

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July 6th is:  International Kissing Day or World Kiss Day and Take Your Webmaster To Lunch Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------

An American visitor in Europe was bragging at a party.  "You know, most of our states are larger than most of your countries," he said.  "Why in California, you can board a train at dawn and 24 hours later you will still be in California!"

"How awful," one of his listeners said, archly.  "How on earth do you manage?  Our trains run much better than that!"

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In 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed at Monterey after the surrender of a Mexican garrison.

In 1865, four people were hanged in Washington, D.C., for conspiring with John Wilkes Booth to assassinate President Abraham Lincoln.

In 1930, construction began on Boulder Dam (later Hoover Dam).

In 1983, 11-year-old Samantha Smith of Manchester, Maine, left for a visit to the Soviet Union at the personal invitation of Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov.

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Today-------------Musician-conductor Doc Severinsen is 84, Pulitzer Prize winning author David McCullough is 78, Singer-musician Warren Entner (The Grass Roots) is 68, Rock musician Jim Rodford is 66, Actor Joe Spano is 65, Pop singer David Hodo (The Village People) is 64, Country singer Linda Williams is 64, Actress Shelley Duvall is 62, Actress Roz Ryan is 60 and Rock musician Ringo Starr is 71.

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July 7th is:  Tell The Truth Day, Chocolate Day, Father-Daughter Take A Walk Together Day and Global Forgiveness Day.

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And I saw this recently----------------PRAYER--------When life is hard to stand, kneel.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------Whoops...........

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman are in a maximum security prison in the U.S, about to do 10 years each in solitary for crimes they didn't commit. One of the Guards takes pity on them and says, "Look lads, I can't get you off the hook, but what I can do as a consolation is give each of you a ten year supply of whatever you want. So what will it be?"

The Englishman says, "Well I love a cup of tea, so I'd like 10 years' worth of tea." The guard obliges and leads the Englishman down.

The Scotsman says, "I really like a drink, personally. 10 years' worth of Whiskey would suit me great." The guard gets the Scotsman his whiskey and takes him down to his cell.

The Irishman says, "You know what, I really like a smoke. My wish would be 10 years' worth of cigarettes." His request is granted and he is taken down to do his 10 years.

10 years later the three men are finally released. The Englishman comes out and says to the guard, "Thanks, that supply of tea really helped to get me through. Thanks a lot." Then he leaves.

The Scotsman comes out drunk as a monkey. He walks up to the guard and hugs and thanks him. "Thanks mate, those 10 years went by quick as a flash." He trundles happily off, staggering all over the place.

The Irishman emerges looking terrible. "Have you got a light?", he says.

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In 1776, Col. John Nixon gave the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia.

In 1911, cowgirl "Two-Gun Nan" Aspinwall became the first woman to make a solo trip by horse across the United States, arriving in New York 10 months after departing San Francisco.

In 1947, demolition work began in New York City to make way for the new permanent headquarters of the United Nations.

In 1991, actor James Franciscus died in North Hollywood at age 57.

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Today------------Singer Jerry Vale is 79, Singer Steve Lawrence is 76, Actor Jeffrey Tambor is 67, Ballerina Cynthia Gregory is 65, Actress Kim Darby is 64, Children's performer Raffi is 63 and Actress Angelica Huston is 60.

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July 8th is:  Collector Car Appreciation Day and SCUD Day (Save the Comic, Unplug the Drama).

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Larryj

[Catwoman]

OMG...Kim Darby is 64 years old??  She was the girl in John Wayne's "True Grit"...Wonder how old that'd make the Duke now, had he survived?

[Diane Amberg]

Um, 104?