another slice of wry

[Diane Amberg]

"out of the mouths of babes."

[larryJ]

Today's------------------FUNNY!

A visit to the doctor's office can be a cruel experience for a woman.  I can tell you.

I went in for my yearly physical.  The doctor started with the basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked me.  I said, ""135."  She had me stand on the scale.  It read 180.

The doctor asked, "And your height?"  I said, "5 feet, 4 inches."  She checked and said, "You're 5 feet, 2 inches."

She took my blood pressure, frowned, and told me it was very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed.  "When I came in here, I was tall and slender!  Now I'm short and fat."

She put me on Prozac.

The witch.

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In 1870, the first section of Atlantic City, N.J.'s boardwalk was opened to the public.

In 1911, John J. McDermott became the first American-born golf player to win the U.S. Open, played in Chicago.  And, track star and golfer Babe Didrikson Zaharias was born in Port Arthur, Texas.

In 1919, the New York Daily News was first published.

In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated for a second term of office by delegates to the Democratic national convention in Philadelphia.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he famously declared, "Ich bin ein Berliner" (I am a Berliner).

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush went back on his "no-new-taxes" campaign pledge,  conceding that tax increases would have to be included in any deficit-reduction package worked out with congressional negotiators.

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Today---------------Actress Eleanor Parker is 89, Jazz musician-film composer Dave Grusin is 77, Actor Josef Sommer is 77, Singer Billy Davis, Jr. is 71, Rock singer Georgie Fame is 68, Actor Clive Francis is 65, Rhythm-and-blues singer Brenda Holloway is 65, Actor Michael Paul Chan is 61 and Actor Robert Davi is 60.

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June 26th is:  America's Kids Day, International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking, International Day In Support Of Victims Of Torture and Log Cabin Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------nothing like a good son-in-law

The father smiled and said yes when his daughter's longtime boyfriend asked for her hand in marriage.  The smile didn't last long, however.

"Have you set a date for the wedding?" he asked the young man.

"I will leave that to your daughter," the fellow replied.

"Will you have a church or a private wedding?" 

"Your wife can decide that."

"And what will you live on?"

"I leave that entirely to you, sir."

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In 1844, Mormon leader Joseph Smith and his brother, Hyrum, were killed by a mob in Carthage, IL.

In 1950, the U.N. Security Council passed a resolution calling on member nations to help South Korea repel an invasion from the North.

In 1977, the Supreme Court struck down state laws and bar association rules that prohibited lawyers from advertising their fees for routine services.

In 1985, the legendary Route 66, which originally stretched from Chicago to Santa Monica, passed into history as officials decertified the road.

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Today--------------Business Executive Ross Perot is 81, The former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, retired Army Gen. John Shalikashvili is 75, Former Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt is 73, Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (The Beach Boys) is 69 and Actress Julia Duffy is 60.

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June 27th is:   Decide To Be Married Day, "Happy Birthday To You" Day, National HIV Testing Day and Please Take My Children To Work Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah

Fortune teller:  "You are about to be discovered by a major motion picture producer who will turn you into a big star.  You will buy a mansion on the Malibu cliffs.  All of Hollywood's most eligible bachelors will be smitten with you, and will beg for your hand in marriage.  You will be on every magazine cover and on all the talk shows.  You'll have your own fashion line, and there will be a perfume named after you."

Kathy:  "Why, that's exactly the same thing you told my friend, Tina."

Fortune teller, sighing:  "I can't help it.  You girls won't be satisfied with anything less nowadays.

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In 1778, the Revolutionary War Battle of Monmouth took place in New Jersey.

In 1836, the fourth president of the United States, James Madison, died in Montpelier.

In 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and his wife, Sophie, were assassinated in Sarajevo, the event which sparked the first World War.

In 1919, the Treaty of Versailles was signed in France, ending the First World War.

In 1939, Pan American Airways began regular trans-Atlantic air service with a flight that departed New York for Marseilles, France.

In 1950, North Korean forces captured Seoul, the capital of South Korea.

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Today------------Blues singer-musician David "Honeyboy" Edwards is 96, Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 85, Comedian-impressionist John Byner is 74, CIA director Leon Panetta is 73, Rock musician Dave Knights (Procol Harum) is 66, Actor Bruce Davidson is 65 and Actress Kathy Bates is 63.

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June 28th is:  National Columnists Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------Nuts............

A psychiatrist led a group of people into a restaurant and spoke to the manager.

"Sir, I'm leading this group on an outing from the regional mental hospital and I assure you that their conduct will be quite unnoticeable except for one thing.  They will insist on paying you in bottle caps.  If you'll be so kind as to humor them and accept the bottle caps, I'll take care of the bill later."

The manager agreed.  Later, he happily collected all the bottle caps.

As the group departed, the psychiatrist approached the manager and said, "Thank you so much.  I'll pay the bill now.  Do you have change for a hub cap?

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In 1861, William James Mayo, one of the founders of the Mayo Clinic, was born in Le Sueur, Minnesota.  And, English poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 55, died in Florence, Italy.

In 1954, the Atomic Energy Commission voted against reinstating Dr. J. Robert Oppenheimer's access to classified information.

In 1966, the United States bombed fuel storage facilities near the North Vietnamese cities of Hanoi and Haiphong.

In 1970, the United States ended a two-month military offensive into Cambodia.

In 1988, the Supreme Court upheld the independent counsel law.

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Today----------------Movie producer Robert Evans is 83, Songwriter L. Russell Brown is 71, Actor Gary Busey is 67. Comedian Richard Lewis is 64, Actor-turned-politician-turned-radio personality Fred Grandy is 63 and Rock drummer Ian Paice is 63.

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June 29th is:  Nothing listed

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------oh, yeahhhh

My friend and I were on a cruise.  She was dissatisfied with our cabin and left the room to see if we could be moved.  She told me she would call me.

After awhile, the phone rang.  I reached for the phone on the wall and said, "Hello?"  I said it several times, but there was no response.

A few minutes later it rang again.  I answered, but again, there was nobody on the other end.

It happened a third time.  I was a little miffed.

Soon my cabin mate returned and asked me why I did not answer the phone.  I said, "I did answer.  Three times.  There was nobody there."

I pointed indignantly at the phone.

My friend looked, laughed and said, "Dear, that's the hair dryer."

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In 1860, the famous Oxford University Museum debate on Darwin's theory of evolution took place as Anglican Bishop Samuel Wilberforce led his side in denouncing the concept, while biologist T.H. Huxley rose to defend it.

In 1921, President Warren G. Harding nominated former President William Howard Taft to be chief justice of the United States, succeeding the late Edward Douglas White.

In 1936, the epic Civil War novel "Gone With The Wind" by Margaret Mitchell was first published by the Macmilllan Company in New York.

In 1958, the U.S. Senate passed the Alaska statehood bill by a vote of 64-20,

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Today------------------Actor Tony Musante is 75, Actress Nancy Dussault is 75, Singer Glenn Shorrock is 67 and Jazz musician Stanley Clarke is 60.

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June 30th is: Leap Second Adjustment Day, National Bomb Pop Day and National Handshake Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------repeat, I think, but still funny

One morning Ralph and Ethel were sitting quietly around the breakfast table.  Suddenly Ralph said, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."

Ethel said, "For heaven's sake, why would you want me to do that?"

Ralph said, "I figure you'll remarry sooner or later, and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."

Ethel said, "What makes you think I'll marry another jerk?"

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In 1863, the Civil War battle of Gettysburg, resulting in a Union victory, began in Pennsylvania.

In 1943, "pay-as-you-go" income tax withholding began.

In 1946, the United States exploded a 20-kiloton atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.

In 1961, Diana, the princess of Wales, was born in Sandringham, England.

In 1971, the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which lowered the minimum voting age from 21 to 18, was ratified.
             And, the State of Washington became the first state to ban sex discrimination.
             And, the United States Post Office Department was replaced with the United States Postal Service.

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Today--------------Actress-dancer Leslie Caron is 80, Actress Jean Marsh is 77, Actor Jamie Farr is 77, Bluesman James Cotton is 76, Actor James Prowse is 76, Cookiemaker Wally Amos is 75, Actress Karen Black is 72, Movie-TV producer-director Michael Pressman is 61, Actor Daryl Anderson is 60, Rock singer Fred Schneider (B-52's) is 60, Pop singer Victor Willis (Village People) is 60 and Singer-actress Deborah Harry is 66.

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July 1st is:  Canada Day, International Chicken Wing Day, U.S. Postage Stamp Day, Second Half Of The Year Day, Zip Code Day and Roswell UFO Day (1-3).

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Larryj

[Catwoman]

Ohmigawd...Blondie is 66 years old???  Say it ain't so!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[larryJ]

Cat, tis so............isn't it amazing how these people seem to age all of a sudden.  People you have followed or listened to over a long time.  Wait..............I'm as old as they are!

I'm reminded of an incident about ten years ago.  My wife and I decided to attend a Neil Diamond concert.  We had not been to a music concert in years.  However, we did want to see this one.  Getting out of the car in the parking lot, my wife made the following statement, "Look at how old all these people are that are attending the concert."  Then we looked at each other and began to laugh.  Another cherished memory for a family laugh-a-long. 

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------all the teachers, past and present, will love this one............

Applicant for entry-level teaching position, after extensive interview questions:

"Let's see if I got this right.  You want me to go into that room with all those kids, fill their every moment with a love for learning, quell their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse or illness, monitor their dress habits, check them for drugs and weapons, intervene to settle disputes and fights, make sure that they all pass their state exams, whether or not they regularly attend classes and complete their assignments, and make myself available at any time for communication with their parents.  And I am to do all this with short supplies and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps?  You want me to do all this....................

and you're telling me I can't PRAY?!"

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In 1776, the Continental Congress passed a resolution saying that "these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states."

In 1881, President James A. Garfield was shot by Charles J. Guiteau at the Washington railroad station; Garfield died the following September.  (Guiteau was hanged in June 1882.)

In 1926, the United States Army Air Corps was created.

In 1937, aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first round-the-world flight along the equator.

In 1961, author Ernest Hemingway shot himself to death at his home in Ketchum, Idaho.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law a sweeping civil rights bill passed by Congress.

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Today-------------Country singer Marvin Rainwater is 86, Former Philippine first lady Imelda Marcos is 82, Jazz musician Ahmad Jamal is 81, Actor Robert Ito is 80, Actress Polly Holliday is 74, Writer-director-comedian Larry David is 64, Luci Baines Johnson, daughter of President Lyndon B. Johnson, is 64, Actor Saul Rubinek is 63 and Musician Roy Bittan is 62.

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July 2nd is:  I Forgot Day, International Cherry Seed Spitting Day and  International Day of Cooperatives.

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Larryj