another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------ouch

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Miss Smith took the child aside after recess and said, "Bobby, when I was your age, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze in that position and I would look like that forever."

Bobby looked her in the face and said, "Well, that explains that, doesn't it?"

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In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor aboard the French ship Iser.

In 1961, Soviet ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev defected to the West while his troupe was in Paris.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon's eventual downfall began with the arrest of five burglars inside Democratic national headquarters in Washington, D.C.'s Watergate complex.

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Today--------------Actor Peter Lupus is 79, Actor William Lucking is 70, Singer Barry Manilow is 68 and Comedian Joe Piscopo is 60.

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June 17th is:  Stewarts Root Beer Day, Dump The Pump Day, National Day Of Prayer For Law Enforcement Officers, World Day To Combat Desertification And Drought and National Flip Flop Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------very helpful

My husband and I were in the DVD department at Target trying to find a movie that we had seen in the theater recently.  He really had liked it  and I decided to buy the DVD as a Father's Day present for him.  Not having any luck locating it among the ones displayed, I saw a clerk who noticed that we were a little perplexed.  When she asked if she could help us, I told her we were looking for "The Way Back."  Her immediate response was, "That's easy.  Just follow this aisle to the end and turn left.  It will lead you to the outside door."
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In 1778, American forces entered Philadelphia as the British withdrew during the Revolutionary War.

In 1812, the United States declared war against Britain.

In 1873, suffragist Susan B. Anthony was found guilty by a judge in Canandaigua, NY, of breaking the law by casting a vote in the 1872 presidential election.  (The judge fined Anthony $100, but she never paid the penalty.)

In 1983, astronaut Sally K. Ride became America's first woman in space as she and four colleagues blasted off aboard the space shuttle Challenger.

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Today----------Columnist Tom Wicker is 85, Rock Singer-composer-musician Sir Paul McCartney is 69, Movie critic Roger Ebert is 69, Actress Constance McCashin is 64, Actress Linda Thorson is 64 and Rock musician John Evans (The Box Tops) is 63.

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June 18th is:  International Sushi Day and World Juggling Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------happy father's day

My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, had a tough time of it on Father's Day last year.  He didn't realize until Sunday morning that he had neglected to buy a card for Dad.  He rushed to the store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack.  Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.

Upon opening it, Dad read this message:  "You've been like a father to me!"

He looked at Ryan, puzzled.

"Well," Ryan tried to explain.  "It was either that or the card that said, 'Now that I'm a father too!'"

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In 1865, Union troops commanded by Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, with news that the Civil War was over, and that remaining slaves in Texas were free.

In 1910, the first-ever Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington.  (The idea for the observance is credited to Sonora Louise Smart Dodd.)

In 1953, Julius Rosenberg, 35, and his wife, Ethel, 37, convicted of conspiring to pass U.S. atomic secrets to the Soviet Union, were executed at Sing Sing Prison in Ossining, NY.

In 1991, actress Jean Arthur died in Carmel at age 90.

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Today---------------Actress Gena Rowlands is 81, Singer Spanky McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang) is 69, Nobel Peace laureate Aung San Suu Kyi is 66 and Rock singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 61.

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June 19th is:  Garfield the Cat Day, Juneteenth, World Sickle Cell Day, World Sauntering Day, Husband Caregiver Day, Family Awareness Day and --------------FATHER'S DAY.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------this one is for Jarhead........

A retired Marine Corps sergeant took a job as a school teacher.  Just before the school year started, he injured his back, requiring him to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.  Fortunately, his shirt fit over the cast, so it was not noticeable.

On the first day of school, he was assigned to teach a remedial class for students with behavior problems.  "As an ex-Marine, you're just the person for the job," the principal told him.

As he entered the classroom, the new teacher ignored the snickers and muttered remarks he could hear.  He opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a large stapler from the desk, and forcefully stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence!

He never had a single discipline problem with that class.

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In 1782, Congress approved the Great Seal of the United States.

In 1893, a jury in New Bedford, Mass., found Lizzie Borden not guilty of the ax murders of her father and stepmother.

In 1921, Rep. Alice Mary Robertson, R-Okla., became the first woman to preside over a session of the House of Representatives.  The milestone was reached during a roll call vote on funding a U.S. delegation to the centenary celebration of Peru's independence.

In 1947, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel was shot dead at the Beverly Hills mansion of his girlfriend, Virginia Hill, apparently at the order of mob associates.

In 1967, boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Houston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.  (Ali's conviction was ultimately overturned by the Supreme Court.)

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Today-----------Actress Olympia Dukakis is 80, Actor Martin Landou is 80, Actor James Tolkan is 80, Actor Danny Aiello is 78, Blues musician Lazy Lester is 78, Actor John Mahoney is 71, Singer-songwriter Brian Wilson is 69, Actor John McCook is 67, Singer Anne Murray is 66, TV personality Bob Villa is 65, Musician Andre Watts is 65, Actress Candy Clark is 64, Producer Tina Sinatra is 63 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Lionel Ritchie is 62.

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June 20th is:  American Eagle Day, Ride to Work (Motorcycles) Day and World Refugee Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------another "old, still funny"......

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question, gently tapping him on the shoulder.  The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate-glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, a small frightened voice from the back seat said, "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to startle you."

The driver, breathing hard, waved his hand weakly.  "No, it's my fault," he said.  "Today is my first day of driving a cab.  I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

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In 1989, a sharply divided Supreme Court ruled that burning the American flag as a form of political protest was protected by the First Amendment.

In 2005, 41 years to the day after three civil-rights workers were beaten and shot to death, Edgar Ray Killen, an 80-year-old former Ku Klux Klansman, was found guilty of manslaughter in a Mississippi court.  (Killen was sentenced to 60 years in prison.)

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Today--------------Actor Monte Markham is 76, Songwriter Don Black is 73, Actress Mariette Hartley is 71, Comedian Joe Flaherty is 70, Rock Singer-musician Ray Davies (The Kinks) is 67, Actress Meredith Baxter is 64, Actor Michael Gross is 64, Country singer Leon Everette is 63 and Actor Bernie Kopell is 78.

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June 21st is:  Atheists Solidarity Day, National Daylight Appreciation Day, Ann and Samantha Day, Baby Boomers Recognition Day, Go Skateboarding Day, Summer Solstice, World Handshake Day and World Humanist Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------wasn't even close to funny........back to the archives

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

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In 1870, the United States Department of Justice was created.

In 1944. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Servicemen's Readjustment Act of 1944, more popularly known as the "G.I. Bill of Rights."

In 1945, the World War II battle for Okinawa ended with an Allied victory.

In 1969, singer-actress Judy Garland died in London at age 47.

In 1981, Mark David Chapman pleaded guilty to killing rock star John Lennon.

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Today------------Actor Ralph Waite is 83, Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 75, Movie Director John Kirty is 75, Actor Michael Lerner is 70, Broadcast Journalist Brit Hume is 68, Singer Peter Asher is 67, Actor Andrew Rubin is 65, Actor David L. Lander is 64, Singer Howard "Eddie" Kaylan is 64, Singer-musician Todd Fundgren is 63, Actress Meryl Streep is 62, Actress Lindsay Wagner is 62, Singer Alan Osmond is 62 and Actoe Murphy Cross is 61.

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June 22nd is: Stupid Guy Thing Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------------must have been Warph

Two golfers encountered one another in the parking lot of the country club.  The first was just arriving to begin his round.  The second was throwing his clubs with great disgust into the trunk of his car, preparing to leave.

"Rough day on the course, eh?" said the first.

"That's putting it mildly," said the second.

"Too bad.  What did you shoot?"

"Well, I'm afraid I shot a 70."

"Good heavens, man.  That's a wonderful round."

"Oh, I didn't play a round.  That was my score on the first hole!"

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In 1931, aviators Wiley Post and Harold Gatty took off from New York on a round-the-world flight that lasted eight days and 15 hours.

In 1938, the Civil Aeronautics Authority was established.

In 1961, the Antarctic Treaty, intended to ensure that the continent would be used only for peaceful purposes, came into force.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon and White House chief of staff H.R. Haldeman discussed a plan to use the CIA to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation.  (Revelation of the tape recording of this conversation sparked Nixon's resignation in 1974.

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Today----------Singer Diana Trask is 71, Musical conductor James Levine is 68, Rhythm-and-blues singer Rosetta Hightower (The Orlons) is 67, Actor Ted Shackelford is 65, Actor Bryan Brown is 64, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 63 and Actor Jim Metzler is 60.

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June 23rd is:   Let It Go Day and Public Service Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------oops or ouch........

The college freshman had been summoned to the teacher's office, where he was being browbeaten severely.

"See here, Smith," said the learned professor.  "This last paper of yours was almost impossible to read.  You must write in such a way that even the most ignorant will be able to understand it.  Do you hear me?"

The student replied, "Very well, sir.  Which part didn't you get?"

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In 1948, Communist forces cut off all land and water routes between West Germany and West Berlin, prompting the western allies to organize the Berlin Airlift.

In 1968, "Resurrection City," a shantytown constructed as part of the Poor People's March on Washington, D.C., was closed down by authorities.

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Today-----------Comedian Jack Carter is 88, Actress Michelle Lee is 69, Actor-director Georg Stanford Brown is 68, Rock musician Jeff Beck is 67, Singer Arthur Brown is 67, Rock musician Colin Blunstone (The Zombies) is 66, Musician Mick Fleetwood is 64, Actor Peter Weller is 64, Rock musician John Illsley (Dire Straits) is 62, Actress Nancy Allen is 61 and Actor Al Molinaro is 93.

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June 24th is:  Celebration Of The Senses, International Fairy Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day and Ugliest Dog Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------from the mouths of, etc.

A gentleman who had lost both his legs was invited to tea.  "My dear," the hostess said to her daughter beforehand, "Please be a good girl and say nothing about Mr. Wiggam's legs.  Do you promise?"

The little girl nodded.

It didn't take long, though, once the party had started, for the wide-eyed little miss to blurt out, "Mommy, why did you tell me to say nothing about Mr. Wiggam's legs?  He hasn't got any!"

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In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his 7th Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of Little Big Horn in Montana.

In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," in Los Angeles at age 50 and actress Farrah Fawcett in Santa Monica at age 62.

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Today------------Actress June Lockhart is 86, Rhythm-and-blues singer Eddie Floyd is 74, Actress Barbara Montgomery is 72, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Willis Reed is 69, Writer-producer-director Gary David Goldberg is 67, Singer Carly Simon is 66, Rock musician Allen Lanier is 65, Rock musician Ian McDonald is 65, Actor-comedian Jimmie Walker is 64 and TV personality Phyllis George is 62.

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June 25th is:  ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day (25-26) and Great American Backyard Camp Out Day.

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Larryj

[Warph]

Today's--------------from the mouths of, etc.
A gentleman who had lost both his legs was invited to tea.  "My dear," the hostess said to her daughter beforehand, "Please be a good girl and say nothing about Mr. Wiggam's legs.  Do you promise?"
The little girl nodded.
It didn't take long, though, once the party had started, for the wide-eyed little miss to blurt out, "Mommy, why did you tell me to say nothing about Mr. Wiggam's legs?  He hasn't got any!"

LOL.... sounds like my three yr. old grand-daughter to a "T"... from the mouth of babe's.