New? and Improved? Laugh's for 2009

[Warph]

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks.  One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar.  He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.  They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom.  The ducks are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks.  There is an awkward silence.  The Bartender decides to try to make some
conversation. "What's your name?," he says to the first duck.

"Huey" said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day.  Had a ball.  Been in and out of puddles all day".

"Oh.  That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi.  And what's your name?".

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?".

"Great.  Lovely day.  Had a ball.  Been in and out of puddles all day.

If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".

"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles.  And don't ask about my day".

[Judy Harder]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

  1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, go od food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the    carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'           
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'  ===============

Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it........these were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.  And he always ended his programs with the words, 'God Bless.'

[Judy Harder]

Bubba goes to Paris Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas , decided to expand the line
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he
could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas .

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the
small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was
the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young
Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he
did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. 
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she
did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to
communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine
glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine
for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.  They
left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a
picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed
and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of
a four-poster bed.  To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out
he was in the furniture business.