My Colonoscopy - by Dave Barry

[Jo McDonald]

  My Colonoscopy by Dave Berry




I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,
to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his
office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.  Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.)  Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a
loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that  after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.  MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,
your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.  When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.
I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing
Queen' had to be the least appropriate.  'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'
and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during
the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all....
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that
my head is not up there?'










--

 

[Diane Amberg]

Yup, that's it alright.  I mixed the Miralax with Crystal Light. Much better than sodium citrate.

[sixdogsmom]

You know, colon cancer is rampant here for some reason or another. This is such an easy procedure; certainly much less uncomfortable than mamograms are. Distasteful? Yes, but well worth it. The prep is the worst part and is done in your home the night before the procedure. Most people have polyps that are removed during the procedure  and they cannot then become malignant. If you are 50 or older it is important to talk to your doctor about getting this procedure. And if younger folks have abnormalities with their stools, talk to your doctor! The life you save may be your own. 

[larryJ]

Thanks for the Dave Barry narrative.  He is absolutely one of my favorites.  My son gives me a Dave Barry calendar every year for my desk.  On the subject of colonoscopys, I was having some problems with my bowels in July and August and finally went to my Doctor.  He decided to request a colonoscopy since I was about due for one anyway.  I also hate the prep which is the worst part of the whole thing.  I had my test and the Doctor who did the test was not happy with the my cleansing and ordered a second follow up test in two weeks.  I used a different cleanser and this time he was able to do a more thorough exam in whcih he found a malignant tumor on my cecum at the beginning of the large intestine.  Subsequently in September, I had a colon resection removing about eighteen inches of colon and an inch of small intestine. I STRONGLY ADVISE ALL OF MY ELK COUNTY FORUM FRIENDS THAT IF YOU ARE OVER FIFTY YEARS OF AGE, GO GET A COLONOSCOPY.  EVEN IF YOUR DOCTOR SAYS IT ISN'T NECESSARY, ASK FOR ONE ANYHOW.   When I had my first test ten years ago, I was good to go.  (no pun intended).  Now since I have had a tumor I will probably have to get a test every year for the next five years and if everything is okay then I will have the test every five years.  Larryj

[sixdogsmom]

Congratulations on your successful procedure! You are a living testimonial. This is something that could have remained hidden until way too late for cure. I think I have read somewhere that colon cancer is easily cured if caught early, and colonoscopy is the key. Thanks for your input Larry!