You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Know Your States
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

[Judy Harder]

Dictionary of Project Terms
*Dictionary of Project Terms*

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties-- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough--Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research--It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured--We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period--We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying--It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem--We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive--The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned--The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties--We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

[Judy Harder]

Good News
*Good News*

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

They say the house didn't float very far at all.

The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.

Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.

The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.

The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.

Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.

The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

[Judy Harder]

Call Me Leroy
Uncle Leroy got a job down at the Broom Factory.

On his first day the straw boss (Floor supervisor)calls ol' Leroy into his little office and says, "You the new man huh?  What is yer name?"

Leroy replied "Leroy"

The straw boss says "I don't call anyone by first names.  It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my Authority.  I refer to all employees by last names; Now what is Your Last Name!"

Leroy sort of smiles and says, "Its Darling - Leroy Darling!

The Straw Boss said "Now Leroy the next thing........"

 

[Judy Harder]

Taxi Grad
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2001, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1969."

[Judy Harder]

Judge's Tie
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.  The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

[Judy Harder]

Back Seat Johnny
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do!  Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

[Judy Harder]

Control Seminar
The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues.  If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered ...

[Judy Harder]

Texas Cruise
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.

After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."

[Judy Harder]

The Importance of Proofing

~  IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day.  In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting.  It should have been trap shooting.

~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program.  First, the program will include meditation, not medication.  Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

~ In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified.  His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr.  Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force.  This was a typographical error.  Mr.  Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

~ In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

~ Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

~ In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe.  The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.