You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Tea For Two
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

"Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

[larryJ]

 

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Owl Friend
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ...  calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied.  "So does my husband."

[Judy Harder]

Rejected Invitation
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.  Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.  What does she mean by that?  I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience.  You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband.  "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."




Marriage Counselling
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that.  My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."

"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

 

[Judy Harder]

 visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does.  Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that."

[Judy Harder]

When Life Poops On You- Lori Freeland Christian Blog

Last week, I had coffee with my friend, Gloria, before a lunch conference six miles away from her house. After an energetic conversation, I slid into my car pumped about my novel and excited about the 12:30 meeting.

My clock read 12:02. 

Before I drove off, I realized I forgot her food processor, I'd been meaning to take it off her hands since before Christmas. I left my keys in the ignition, didn't bother to shut my door, and dashed back into her house.

When I returned, a large gray bird had taken up residence on my dash.

The clock read 12:06.

Still plenty of time to coax the bird out of the van and make it to the meeting on time. Gloria and I opened all the doors, called to the bird, pleaded with the bird, and negotiated with the bird. Problem was the bird thought he'd fly straight out my front window. Through the heavy glass.

After watching him butt his head for five minutes, Gloria reached in and encouraged him to hop toward the driver's side door. Wild wings flapping, he had a massive panic attack.

When birds freak, guess what they do?

That little guy pooped all over my dash, all over my steering wheel, and all over my leather seat. When he finished defiling the entire front section of my van, he flew out the door. Gloria had a stash of Clorox wipes handy. By the time we mopped up the mess, my whole car smelled clean. And orange.

The clock now read 12:33.

Six miles in four minutes? Wasn't going to happen. A little flustered, I typed in the address for the restaurant in my GPS, and left. Ten minutes later, my GPS shouted—Destination on the right. I squinted through my sunglasses. I'd pulled up to a vacant lot.

The clock taunted me at 12:39.

Because I didn't have one phone number plugged in my cell for any of the five people I was meeting, calling was not an option. I had amazing forethought that way. If I forget to write down information, I always needed it. If I kept a painstaking detailed note, I never used it.

Sometimes life poops on you. Right in the middle of a major upswing, just when you have your stuff together, and you've made plans. Your day is going places. Then along comes the bird.

I could have freaked, let the upset ruin my day, and accepted the anxiety that came with the mishaps and the ticking clock. Sometimes the little things mess me up, steal my joy, set me up for failure. And those little things take me by surprise because I'm not prepared for the pebbles when I'm expecting rocks.

Luckily, my friend Linda had my number. She called, rerouted me, and I did get to have lunch. And two diet Cokes. I told my story over lunch and laughed about the bird's incontinence and the fact that my GPS is geographically challenged. 

When life poops on you—and it will—brush it off, move on with your day, and find something to laugh about. Find your joy in Someone solid, sure, and unshakeable. "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song" (Psalm 28:7 NIV).

[Judy Harder]

     

You are a lousy cook if....

Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yoghurt.

Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.

 

[Judy Harder]

Sick Day
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

"Did you read the paper?" he asked.

"I'm not going in to work tomorrow.  I'm calling in fat."

[Judy Harder]

 
Landing Check
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.  Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area.  The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back.  While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed,"  the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window.  "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said.  "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"  I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

[Judy Harder]

Lunch On The Bank
A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat.  Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch.  He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch.  What do you say we have lunch over there?"

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor.  The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank.  The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon.  Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water.  The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"