You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

911 Sees All
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.

One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.

After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"

"No," the woman nervously replied.  "What?"

[Judy Harder]

Reward Change
A lady lost her handbag at the mall.  An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny.  When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it.  Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy replied, "That IS funny.  The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

[Judy Harder]

Young Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm.  He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.  Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.  Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

[Judy Harder]

 
Blessed Be The Tie
A guy walking in the desert desperately needed a drink.  As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel.  He asked the man if he had something to drink.

The man on the camel said "No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties.  Would you like to buy one?"

"No!" The first man replied.  "Are you crazy?  I need something to drink, not a tie!"

So the man on the camel rode on, and the walking man continued his slow and very thirsty trek for several days.  Finally he came upon a cantina.

He gratefully approached the doorman at the cantina and said, "I'm so glad I made it!  Can I get in and get some water?"

The doorman frowned at him.  "Not without a tie."

[Judy Harder]

4 Waiting Fathers
Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims.  "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies.  "I work for the 3M Corporation."

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence!" he tells her.  "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints.  When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.

He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

[Judy Harder]

 
Bigger and Bigger
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.  There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh!  We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.  The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field.  He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[Judy Harder]

Prayer Postions
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended.  "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted.  "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

[Judy Harder]

 
Servicemen Foot Race
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.  At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.  They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

[Judy Harder]

Tough Teacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.  It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.  Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

[Judy Harder]

Interview Excerpts
The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

1.  "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2.  "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3.  "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself.  Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4.  "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5.  "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

6.  "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7.  "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8.  "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9.  "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10.  "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.  Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11.  "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12.  "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase.  He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

13.  "A telephone call came in for the job applicant.  It was from his wife.  His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company?  When do I start?  What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."