You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 
Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie.  Don't need one.  Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.



*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

New Convert Help
He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.

He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church.  Finally the pastor agreed.  He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution.  Some of these were quite prominent in the community.

The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can.  You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church."

Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church.  I really have no excuse.  Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.

Sincerely, J.  B.  Jones, M.D.

P.S.  - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?"

[Judy Harder]

Horse Batter
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up.

The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat.  At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down.  They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move.  The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

[Judy Harder]

Yes, We Have No Chocolate
A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning.  We're out of chocolate,"

"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says.  "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"

The man says, "V-A-N."

"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."

"OK.  S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."

The man hesitates.  Then he says.  "There is no stink in chocolate."

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

 

[Judy Harder]

Cure For Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.  He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning.  After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

[Judy Harder]

Rest In Peace
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

[Judy Harder]

No More Gators
While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat.  He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beach bum said.

"The sharks got 'em."

[Judy Harder]

It has been a tough week for several of you and I thought you might enjoy a little giggle on this Fabulous Friday!  Love you!!!
GOOD SAMARITAN: A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalms 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalms. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalms 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER: The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL:  A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS: When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER: Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the
food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

[Judy Harder]

Newlywed Breakfast
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Scott the new husband.

"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.

[Judy Harder]

Out of the Loop
Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr.  Norton was doing.

"Oh, quite well.  We expect he'll be released in the morning."

"Very good, thank you."

"May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?" inquired the nurse.

"This IS Mr. Norton.  The doctors don't tell me anything!"