You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

     

Kid Quotes
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10

[Judy Harder]

Puppy Love
For months he had been her devoted admirer.  Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes.  Then she nodded in agreement.

Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea!  Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

[Judy Harder]

 
Do Something Nice
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.  The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie.  So I rented him a tuxedo."

[Judy Harder]

 
Crate of Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.  Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed.

"You left with seven."

[Judy Harder]

 
Roast Woes
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.  "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened!  I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang.  When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again.  "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband.

"Don't cry.  We can get a new cat tomorrow."

[Judy Harder]

Sewing Machine Ad
The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale: R.  D.  Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M..  and ask for Mrs.  Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R.  D.  Jones' ad yesterday.  It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap.  Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs.  Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R.  D.  Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday.  The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.  D.  Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Cheap.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.  and ask for Mrs.  Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R.  D.  Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.  I intentionally broke it.  Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.  I have not been carrying on with Mrs.  Kelly.  Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

[Judy Harder]

New Home No Hears
Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:

1.  "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."

2.  "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."

3.  "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4.  "One bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."

5.  "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."

6.  "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7.  "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."

8.  "Did you know that the punk band "Grave Robber" holds their practice sessions right next door?"

9.  "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."

10.  "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

[Judy Harder]

Turtle Accident
Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stopped and said, "Do you guys want a ride on my back"?

One of the snails took him up on his offer and off he went.

As the turtle reached the intersection another turtle came along and crashed into him.  The poor little snail was thrown and killed.  A cop investigating the accident began questioning the dead snail's buddy.  "What happened?" he asked.

The little snail replied, "I don't know it all happened so fast."

[Judy Harder]

Travelling Too Light
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"

"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.

"No, I really wish you had" he sighed.  "I left the tickets on it."

[Judy Harder]

Fed Up
Long ago, on New York's lower east side, Mrs. Spinelli and Mrs.Goldberg were bragging about their respective abilities to overfeed dinner guests.

With evident pride Mrs. Spinelli says, "When they walk home from my house, they're all doubled-over."

Without a beat, Mrs. Goldberg answers, "From your house they can walk?"