You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Who Am I?
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments.  He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time.  He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed.  Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."



*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

The Haircut
A young man had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.  You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that.  You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[Judy Harder]

     

Impressive Dinner
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.  Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.  His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned.  "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

[Judy Harder]

     

Vice President Pride
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said.  Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

[Judy Harder]

Captain Discipline
About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip.

Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.

I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced,

"Children, this is the captain speaking.  Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

[Judy Harder]

Crossing the Road
There's a man trying to cross the street.  As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.  The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.  By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.  The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.  The driver is a squirrel.  The squirrel says to the man says,

"See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

[Judy Harder]

     

Bumper Stickers
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

[Judy Harder]

 
Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.  Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh?  So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?  No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth.  Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.  He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys.  We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.  I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).  I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.  Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

     

But Daddy
My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.

Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.  As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.  Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.

Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison!  Stop that!"

"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."

[Judy Harder]

 
Yard Sale Anger
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.

"Normally, yes," she said.  "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."