You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Ploughing at Night

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole

[Judy Harder]

 

$100 Coffee

A street person approached a passer-by and said, "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?"

"That's ridiculous! Do you think anyone would really pay that much for a cup of coffee?" said the man.

"Just a yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled.

"I don't need a lecture about how to run my business."

[Judy Harder]

 

The Verge

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."


 

Strawberry Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

[Judy Harder]

 

Lost Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management".

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Inspiring Music

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Cruising

These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.

1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.

2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.

3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"

4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The steward was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."

5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."

6. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Miscellaneous Ponderings

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what goober came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

April 12, 2011

Daily Devotionals By Oswald Chambers     

Complete and Effective Dominion
Death no longer has dominion over Him. . . . the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God . . . -Romans 6:9-11


Co-Eternal Life. Eternal life is the life which Jesus Christ exhibited on the human level. And it is this same life, not simply a copy of it, which is made evident in our mortal flesh when we are born again. Eternal life is not a gift from God; eternal life is the gift of God. The energy and the power which was so very evident in Jesus will be exhibited in us by an act of the absolute sovereign grace of God, once we have made that complete and effective decision about sin.

"You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you . . ." (Acts 1:- not power as a gift from the Holy Spirit; the power is the Holy Spirit, not something that He gives us. The life that was in Jesus becomes ours because of His Cross, once we make the decision to be identified with Him. If it is difficult to get right with God, it is because we refuse to make this moral decision about sin. But once we do decide, the full life of God comes in immediately. Jesus came to give us an endless supply of life- ". . . that you may be filled with all the fullness of God" (Ephesians 3:19). Eternal life has nothing to do with time. It is the life which Jesus lived when He was down here, and the only Source of life is the Lord Jesus Christ.

Even the weakest saint can experience the power of the deity of the Son of God, when he is willing to "let go." But any effort to "hang on" to the least bit of our own power will only diminish the life of Jesus in us. We have to keep letting go, and slowly, but surely, the great full life of God will invade us, penetrating every part. Then Jesus will have complete and effective dominion in us, and people will take notice that we have been with Him.
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What's Your Motive?

The Bible says in James 4:3,

You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.

James says that you ask, but you do not receive, because you ask amiss.  The word amiss here comes from the Greek root word that means to harm or to injure.  His point is:  God will not grant you anything that is going to harm or injure your spiritual life, whether in the short term or in the long term.

When you pray, God is looking out for your best interests.

But then he also said, You ask amiss that you may spend it on your pleasures.  The word pleasures has the idea of sensuality, which means, if I am asking for something just to stroke my fleshly ego, then I short-circuit the prayer by my wrong motivation.

For example, it is great to pray for a car.  I live in Southern California where we need a car to get around.  And I think God will give you a car that you like.  After all, the Bible says He gives us richly all things to enjoy.  Jesus said, "Ask, that your joy might be full."  So I think God wants us to be happy, and He generally has no problems granting your request for a car you would like.

Yet some people go a step beyond that, and their real motivation is, "Man, I want that car because I would look good in that car!  If I came to work in that car, I would really show up so-and-so.  People would think I'm pretty fine if I had that car.  If I had that car, the chicks would dig me."

Be careful when you pray to not slip over into a motivation that is not really pure.  Because you will short-circuit your faith and you will not receive an answer-except "no". 
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Read: Luke 9
Take nothing for the journey. - Luke 9:3
TODAY IN THE WORD
While it's easy to focus on Jesus' dramatic miracles and confrontations with the Pharisees, His most significant ministry-apart from our salvation-is found in His relational mentoring and teaching of His twelve closest disciples. A classic article in Discipleship Journal titled "If Jesus Led Your Small Group" suggests key principles based on how Jesus led His own "small group" of unlikely future church leaders. These principles include preparation or setting aside dedicated time, modeling what you say, room for questions, a safe atmosphere or forgiveness for failure, mutual friendship (rather than know-it-all authoritarianism), and flexibility.
We see these principles in today's reading. Luke 9 seems to focus more on these personal dimensions of Jesus' ministry. When He sent out the Twelve, it's as if He were saying, "Here, you take the wheel." This was a powerful and encouraging experience for them, so much so that Jesus afterward took them on a ministry debriefing retreat. When the crowds interrupted, He was disappointed that the disciples seemed to doubt He could do something as simple as provide lunch. His miracle told them once again that He was the Son of God. The leaders and crowds had varying opinions, but He wanted His disciples to have no doubts about His identity. With divine help (Matt. 16:17), Peter boldly declared that Jesus was "God's Messiah" (v. 20).

Discipleship is a journey filled with highs and lows. There are moments of exhilarating insight, as in Peter's confession. There are moments of beholding God's glory, as at the Transfiguration. There are also times of shame and suffering as we live counter to the world's priorities. Giving one's life for Christ's sake is part of what it means to be His disciple (vv. 23-26, 57-62). Following Him must be our absolutely top priority. Thankfully, it's about God's strength, not our own, for there will be times when we fail (as when the disciples couldn't cast out an evil spirit) or embarrass ourselves (as when they argued about who was the greatest). Once we've put our hand to the plow, though, there's no turning back!
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APPLY THE WORD
It is possible to understand some spiritual truths but remain clueless about others. Though Peter knew exactly who Jesus was, he didn't grasp what Jesus told him about the suffering and death He would soon undergo (vv. 22, 44-45). Though the disciples had experienced Jesus' power, they didn't grasp that this power was for love and service, not conquest or revenge (vv. 51-56). We must trust that God is the One who enlightens our spiritual understanding at just the right times.

GOD BLESS!

[Judy Harder]

 

Cats

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

"One cat just leads to another."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

[Judy Harder]

 

Aging

~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

~ There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

~ You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.

~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

~ You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

~ You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down