You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Making Babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl.

You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

[Judy Harder]

 

Optomist's Hunting Dog

Friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.

One day the optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continually pessimistic way of thinking - the optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water.

His plan? Take the pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

[Judy Harder]

 

Hurts to Touch

One day, a goober was constantly complaining about how everywhere she touched her body, it hurt.

Her grandma told her to go and see a doctor.

Once there, the goober explained to the doctor how everywhere she touched, it hurt.

She said... "If I touch here, it hurts, if I touch my arm, it hurts, if I touch my foot, if I ..."

The doctor gave her a complete physical and then delivered his findings.

Her finger was broken.

[Judy Harder]

 

In Need of Prayer

A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.

The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road.

So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"

The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has."

[Judy Harder]

 

Exam By Chance

A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true/false type statements.

The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false.

The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.

But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.

"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

[Judy Harder]

 

The Good Old Days

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

[Judy Harder]

 

There's Teacher

The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's teacher; she's dead."

[Judy Harder]

 

Keep Your Seat

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

[Judy Harder]

 

Pastors' Good News/Bad News

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show", "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Lost Snack

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.

They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.

In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:

"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"