You Make Me Laugh

Started by Judy Harder, September 09, 2008, 06:55:31 AM

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Judy Harder

 

Hair Mission

In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model.

I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.

I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.

It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
:angel:


Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

 

Amazed dentist

"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

"Good Grief!" he said startled.

"You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."

"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."
:angel:


Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

The Coat Hanger. . .



A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was

very sick with a fever.  She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to

get some medication.  She got back to her car and found that she had

locked her keys in the car.  She didn't know what to do, so she

called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.



The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.  She said, 'You

might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.'



The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left

on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys

in their car.  She looked at the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use

this.'



She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.  Within five minutes a

beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy,

bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.



The woman thought, 'This is what you sent to help me?'  But, she was

desperate, so she was also very thankful.



The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.  She said,

'Yes, my daughter is very sick.  I stopped to get her some medication and

I locked my keys in my car.  I must get home to her.  Please, can you

use this hanger to unlock my car?



He said, 'Sure.'  He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the

car was opened.



She hugged the man and through her tears she said, 'Thank you so much!  You

are a very nice man.'



The man replied, 'Lady, I am not a nice man.  I just got out of prison

today.  I was in prison forcar theft and

have only been out for about an hour.'



The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,



'Oh, thank you God!  You even sent me a Professional!'



Is GOD GOOD, or what?

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

 

Bible Confusion

The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.

Now, a decade or so later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.

Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.

Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand; but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry: "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?"
:angel:


Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

 

Busy Doctors

More and more doctors are running their practices like assembly lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
:angel:


Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

 

Funny Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
:angel:


Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

 

Church Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:

1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph didn't have private health cover.

2. The Biblical proof that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in most Churches.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who "don't" know the seating capacity of a pew

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

 

Zoo Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?"
:angel:


Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

 

Bedroom Traffic

On their way home from attending an church service, little Johnny asked his mother, "Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust like the minister said tonight?"

"Yes, darling," his mother answered.

"And is it true that we go back to dust again when we die?"

"Yes, dear," his mother replied.

"Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I saw someone who is either coming or going?"
:angel:


Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

 

Training Exercise

While practicing autorotations during military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up the landing and landed on its tail rotor.

The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
:angel:


Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

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