You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Airline Rage

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.

"I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Logic Amongst the Sciences

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house.

Time passes.

After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."

The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."

[Judy Harder]

 

What Does That Mean?

Little Levi attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy. As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on the pulpit.

Levi whispered, "what does that mean?"

Jimmy replied, "unfortunately -- nothing!"

[Judy Harder]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HYMNS AND PRAISE CHORUSES

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?"

"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked the wife.

The farmer said, "Well, it's like this. If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a hymn. If on the other hand I was to say to you, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,' well, that would be a praise chorus."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh






   

[Judy Harder]

   
Choruses vs Hymns

A young, new Christian went to his local small town church one weekend. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."

"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?"

"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different." said the young man.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The young man said, "Well, it's like this--if I were to say to you 'Martha, the cows are in the corn', well that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain There in their heads is no shadow of sense Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yes those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed So look to that bright shining day by and by Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a Hymn.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Who's the Boss?

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[Judy Harder]

 

More Insurance Claims

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Travelled by bus?

This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?

A - Horn

Q - What warning was given by the other party?

A - Moo

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

[Judy Harder]

 

Nervous Bride

Apparently this is a true story.

A woman in her forties got married but was bit nervous about her honeymoon. The people in the church wanted to encourage her by sending a telegram with a verse of Scripture: 1 John 4:18 ("There is no fear in love, but perfect fear casts out all fear")

But someone omitted, by mistake, the 1 before John and the telegram just read: John 4:18. ("The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.)"

[Judy Harder]

 

Signs You are Broke

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

6. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

9. Your bologna has no first name.

10. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.

11. Sally Struthers sends you food.

12. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

[Judy Harder]

 

Golf desire

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy.

"You've already moved most of the earth."