You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Pop Rocks

Cassie was taking two of her Grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

[Judy Harder]

 

Screaming patient

A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

[Judy Harder]

 

Frugal - to save

Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.

Her paper read:

Frugal: to save

Sentence:

Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out.

She yelled "Frugal me, Frugal me!"

[Judy Harder]

 

No Matter What

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute!

We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"

[Judy Harder]

Hi Tech Watch

A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train which leaves at 6:00 PM but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.

The guy replies "Sure, which country?"

The fella asks "How many countries have you got?", to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!"

"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."

"That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one . . . You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours."

The watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.

The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch" and then, handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries."

[Judy Harder]

 

Comedians' Convention

Someone brought a visitor and the new fellow sat fascinated as the funnymen shouted out numbers--"56!" "923!" "307!" Each time a number was called, the others would laugh and laugh.

Finally he asked his host, "What are the numbers for?" The other man explained, "Oh, we've been coming to these conventions for so long, everyone knows all the jokes. We just categorize them by number and then save time by using the number alone."

ENDING #1: The visitor thought this was an interesting idea, and that he would try it himself. So the next time there was a pause, he stood up and called out, "468!" The others roared with laughter. He waited, then called out, "22!" and again everyone roared. Then he called out, "829!" and there was a dead silence--all except for one guy in the fourth row, who laughed so hard that he fell off his chair and rolled on the floor, seemingly unable to stop.

The visitor poked his host and whispered, "How come he's laughing and the others aren't?"

The host whispered back, "Oh, that's because he never heard that one before."

ENDING #2: The visitor thought this was an interesting idea...so he stood up and called out, "468!" and no one laughed--there was a dead silence. Puzzled, he turned to his host. The other man looked away, sniffed, and said condescendingly, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

[Judy Harder]

 

Planning Ahead

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[Judy Harder]

 

Merchant Captain

One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers.

They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:

'Port: Left, Starboard: Right.'

[Judy Harder]

 

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!". The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!".

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!", said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop", said the man. "Halt!", he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no...'Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!", shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN".

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man

[Judy Harder]

 

Ah, Newlyweds

There are never any secrets!

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"