You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Tuesday, September 28, 2010   
 
Bad Headlines

~ March Planned For Next August

~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See

~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

~ Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

~ Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out

~ Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

~ Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

~ Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

~ Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

~ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

~ Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

~ 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

~ War Dims Hope For Peace

~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

~ Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

~ Man is Fatally Slain

~ Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

~ Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence

~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

~ House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

~ Police Discover Crack in Australia

~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

~ William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary

~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables

~ Scientists to Have Ford's Ear

~ Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

~ Hershey Bars Protest

~ County Officials to Talk Rubbish

~ Carter Plans Swell Deficit

~ Caribbean Islands Drift to Left

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

[Judy Harder]

Out Of This World Bait

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

[Judy Harder]

Cowboy & The Preacher

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

[Judy Harder]

 

Johnny's Dust

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

[Judy Harder]

Half Joking Pastor

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

[Judy Harder]

Skipping School

The local high school has a policy that the parent's must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent's had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

[Judy Harder]

Spelling Help

My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell zilla?"

[Judy Harder]

Too Late to Date

After the death of a never married 94-year old spinster of his parish, the rector was given a note from her personal belongings. In the woman's handwriting were specific instructions for her funeral service. Along with the suggestions for Scripture readings and music were the following orders:

"There will be no male pallbearers. Since they wouldn't take me out when I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

[Judy Harder]

 

New and Improved

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."

"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it