You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery

1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop

3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness'

4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?

9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off

11.) What's this doing here?

12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

13.) That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!

14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

23.) What do you mean 'You want a divorce'!

24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!

26.) 'And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...'

cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Friday, June 25, 2010 


Children Under Ten

Mark Twain's contention was that the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. These words of wisdom were all spoken by children under 10.

You can listen to thunder after lightening to tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it never mind.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explains why you look like your father ... and if you don't, why you should.

Vacuums are nothing. I only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

I am not sure how clouds get formed but the clouds know how to do it and that is the important thing.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Scout's Letter Home

Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 2 of our tents and 4 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened. Oh yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat.

We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Web got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Hector said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. Larry is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching brother Doug how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Rob dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Bruce and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Dave

[Judy Harder]

This is part of the Senior devotions today. I thought this was a good place to put it. Just shows
God has a good sense of humor. Or, he sent a woman.................we could take this and really have some fun with it.
Have a good day and remember God loves YOU!


Rolf Zettersten once wrote in Focus on the Family magazine:

"A good friend in North Carolina bought a new car with a voice-warning system. ... At first Edwin was amused to hear the soft female voice gently remind him that his seat belt wasn't fastened. ... Edwin affectionately called this voice the 'little woman.'

"He soon discovered his little woman was programmed to warn him about his gasoline. 'Your fuel level is low,' she said one time in her sweet voice. ... He figured he still had enough to go another fifty miles, so he kept on driving. But a few minutes later, her voice interrupted again with the same warning.

"And so it went over and over. Although he knew it was the same recording, Edwin thought her voice sounded harsher each time. Finally, he stopped his car and crawled under the dashboard. After a quick search, he found the appropriate wires and gave them a good yank.

"He was still smiling to himself a few minutes later when his car began sputtering and coughing. He ran out of gas! Somewhere inside the dashboard, Edwin was sure he could hear the little woman laughing."

Believers must learn that the little voice inside, the Holy Spirit, even if ignored or disconnected, tells them exactly what they need to know. Jesus said, "But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you" (John 14:26).

[Judy Harder]

 

Tourist Questions

Here are some of the "All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists"


On nature...

How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk' ?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh"


Are the bears with collars tame?

Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

Are there birds in Canada?


On geography...

Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!)

Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

How far is Banff from Canada?

What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

On tourist facilities...

Do they search you at the B.C. border?

When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

Where can I buy a racoon hat? ALL Canadians own one don't they?

Are there phones in Banff?

So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles? We're on the decibel system you know.

Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

Is that 2 kilometres by foot or by car?

Don't you Canadians know anything?

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


  July 1

The Vet and The Doc

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

[Judy Harder]

 

Isn't Aging Fun?

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half ".... You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens.... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.... you BECOME 21...YES!!!

But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk.... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40..... stay over there, it's all slipping away........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50.....and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday.... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there.... into the 90's you start going backwards.... I was JUST 92...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

[Judy Harder]

Chow looks wonderful," I told the mess sergeant, a large, intimidating man. "I'd love seconds."

"You'll get the same as everyone else," he growled as he chucked food on my tray. "Now move it!"

After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest in the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was the mess sergeant. "It's all right, son," he said. "You can grab seconds."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

[Judy Harder]

July 04,  2010

Daily Devotionals By Oswald Chambers

One of God's Great "Don'ts"
 
Do not fret- it only causes harm -Psalm 37:8

Fretting means getting ourselves "out of joint" mentally or spiritually. It is one thing to say, "Do not fret," but something very different to have such a nature that you find yourself unable to fret. It's easy to say, "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him" ( Psalm 37:7  ) until our own little world is turned upside down and we are forced to live in confusion and agony like so many other people. Is it possible to "rest in the Lord" then? If this "Do not" doesn't work there, then it will not work anywhere. This "Do not" must work during our days of difficulty and uncertainty, as well as our peaceful days, or it will never work. And if it will not work in your particular case, it will not work for anyone else. Resting in the Lord is not dependent on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God Himself.
Worrying always results in sin. We tend to think that a little anxiety and worry are simply an indication of how wise we really are, yet it is actually a much better indication of just how wicked we are. Fretting rises from our determination to have our own way. Our Lord never worried and was never anxious, because His purpose was never to accomplish His own plans but to fulfill God's plans. Fretting is wickedness for a child of God.

Have you been propping up that foolish soul of yours with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God to handle? Set all your opinions and speculations aside and "abide under the shadow of the Almighty" ( Psalm 91:1  ). Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about whatever concerns you. All our fretting and worrying is caused by planning without God.definite and specific thing to him. The effect of Isaiah's vision of the holiness of the Lord was the directing of his attention to the fact that he was "a man of unclean lips." "He touched my mouth with it, and said: 'Behold, this has touched your lips; your iniquity is taken away, and your sin purged' " ( Isaiah 6:7  ). The cleansing fire had to be applied where the sin had been concentrated.
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The Motive of Faith

When speaking of faith, it is critical to talk about the motive of our faith.  James 4:2-3 tells us what a wrong motive is,

You lust and do not have.  You murder and covet and cannot obtain.  You fight and war.  Yet you do not have because you do not ask.  You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.

God is very concerned about the "why" behind our prayers of faith.  He is very interested in the state of our hearts.  And I think it is good to check our motives from time to time.

Why do we want what we want?  Is it ego driven?  Am I asking for it because I want to impress someone?  Are my motives right?

Now, you don't have to overdo it.  You can overanalyze things to the point that you become spiritually frozen and don't do anything.  I think if you will get honest and lay your heart out before God, He will very quickly put the spotlight on the things that should not be there.

Our dog always stands at the back door and scratches on the glass like he really loves us and wants to come in and be with us.  But the moment you open the door he runs right by you into the kitchen looking for food. 

Why do you want the thing you want?  What is the purpose behind asking?  Is it for the glory of God?  Is it to help people?  Is there a pure motive there?

When your motive is right, God will not be long in answering.  But if your motive is not right, God won't answer until it gets right.
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Read: Psalm 7:1-17
Morning by morning he dispenses his justice, and every new day he does not fail. - Zephaniah 3:5

TODAY IN THE WORD
The Old Testament was originally written in the Hebrew language, and the two words translated "justice" and "righteousness" often appear together. We often associate them with punishment for wrongdoing, but this doesn't capture the entirety of these biblical words. Righteousness and justice are also about "being right, doing right, and putting things right" relationally, socially, and politically. According to one Bible scholar, righteousness is about "God re-establishing right order in the fallen world." These words occur in today's passage as we continue contemplating God's character.
As seen before, God is our refuge, shield, savior, and deliverer (vv. 1, 10). The middle of Psalm 7 is saturated with words like "justice," "judge," "righteousness," and "righteous" (vv. 6-11), revealing more dimensions of who God is. He is both ruler and righteous judge; He decrees justice and expresses His wrath daily. Psalm 7 teaches that the LORD judges all people righteously according to the integrity of their minds, hearts, and actions (vv. 3-5, 8-10). The outcome includes eliminating the violence of the wicked and establishing the righteous (v. 9).

Psalm 7 emphasizes God's righteousness as the measure of evaluating our own righteousness (vv. 8, 9). God's people are to live in a way that exemplifies the justice and righteousness of God in their relationships with other people. For example, in verse 5, the psalmist says if I have treated another person unjustly, then let the victim be vindicated. Yet, the psalmist argues that he has acted with righteousness (v. . He beseeches God to confirm that he has imitated God's righteousness in his own relationships.

The fulcrum of Psalm 7 is the declaration of God as righteous judge (v. 11). The beginning of Psalm 7 affirms that precisely because God is not capricious or unjust, He is able to be a trusted shelter and redeemer (v. 1). The psalm ends with thanksgiving and praise in response to His righteous judgment.
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TODAY ALONG THE WAY
Psalm 7 is certainly turned outward-"let the LORD judge the peoples," but it is also turned inward-"judge me, O LORD" (v. . It is always easier to cite God's righteous judgment in reference to the sins of others; accepting God as our own righteous judge often proves uncomfortable. Today let us come before God in humble confession, inviting His Spirit to search our hearts for unrighteousness (Ps. 139:23-24). Then let's rejoice in the assurance of our pardon in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1-2).
 
GOD BLESS!

[Judy Harder]

 

Anthill Golf

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.

Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! what are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: " I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

[Judy Harder]

I'M NOT OLD...JUST MATURE

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase this chap took off ten percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature; But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure. You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!" My car has no scratches...not even a dent. Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me. They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure, But don't call me old...just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today Are so high that they take...your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new, And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure, I'm not really old...I'm only mature.

~Author Unknown