You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

*Let's See If I get Anything*

My eldest daughter got married at the end of last summer and is now in the process of contacting various agencies to update their records with her new last name. Yesterday she e-mailed and shared with me the notice she sent to the government's student loan agency.

To Whom It May Concern:

You have me in your records as Alyssa Davis, Social Insurance Number

I got married this summer and am assuming my husband's last name. Please update your records to reflect my new name: Alyssa Sampson. I am including a copy of my marriage certificate, and if there is anything else you need please contact me to let me know.

I met my husband at university, so in a way Student Loan played a role in us meeting, and we are very grateful. If you would like to send money in lieu of a gift to congratulate us both, you may use the banking information you currently have to do so.

Sincerely,

Alyssa Sampson

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

 

Kitchen Wizard

"My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

[Judy Harder]

 

Taking Down the Flag

"My husband was serving his last few years of military service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were three branches of military reserve units at our last duty station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which is a very formal affair to watch.

One day my husband and his buddy marched solemnly out to the flag pole and saluted the flag. Then his buddy begin to haul the flag down. After a minute of this and not seeing a flag come down, they both looked up.

The flag had already been taken down."

[Judy Harder]

You Make Me Laugh

Tuesday, April 20, 2010   

Lost Bible

"The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow.

"Your name was written inside the cover."

[Judy Harder]

 

Family Album

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.

My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that didn't belong to us."

[Judy Harder]

 

Toaster Request

When my son was two or three and learning the ways of American life, he watched me place some bread in both slots of our toaster so that it would be ready to cook just before serving.

Considering the opportunity, he pulled a chair to the counter and politely asked, "Mommy, may I flush the toaster?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

 

Stockbroker's Secretary

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.

"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

[Judy Harder]

 

Tea Service

One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. ("It's just the cutest thing!") My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?"

[Judy Harder]

 

Scientist's Convention

In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.

"Where are you from?" the one asked.

"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Earth" was the answer.

"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

Daily Devotional

April 30, 2010

Honestly

READ: Proverbs 12:17-22
Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truthfully are His delight. -Proverbs 12:22

Today is National Honesty Day in the United States. It is a little-known designation for April 30, but an important one nonetheless.

Author M. Hirsh Goldberg established National Honesty Day in the early 1990s as a way to honor the honorable and encourage honesty. He said that April 30 was selected because "April begins with a day dedicated to lying [April Fool's Day] and should end on a higher moral note."

Honesty Day would be a good time to review the value of this trait according to God's Word. Honesty is not as easy as it seems-but we please God by striving for it.

An understanding of honesty begins with recognizing that God-our ultimate example-is truth (Deut. 32:4) and that He cannot lie (Num. 23:19; Heb. 6:18). Also, He hates falsehood (Prov. 6:16-19). Beyond that, all lies have as their originator Satan himself (John 8:44).

For our part, we can use these Scriptures as our guide: "A righteous man hates lying" (Prov. 13:5); love rejoices in truth (1 Cor. 13:6); lying is part of the old nature (Col. 3:9); growth means setting aside deceit (1 Peter 2:1); and speaking truth declares righteousness (Prov. 12:17).

Let's make every day Honesty Day.  - Dave Branon

Help me, dear Lord, to be honest and true
In all that I say and all that I do;
Give me the courage to do what is right,
To bring to the world a glimpse of Your light. -Fasick

People who trust God's Word should be people whose word can be trusted.
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Determining Your Course of Action

"My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise." Psalm 57:7

When I was in college, I kept a motto on my desk that said,

"He who would not fall down ought not to walk in slippery places."

Keep yourself clean.   
Keep yourself pure.   
Watch what you set before your eyes.
There needs to be discipline. Job said, "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look upon a maid" (Job 31:1). If we are to have a walk of purity in obedience to God, we must determine ahead of time what our course of action will be.

One big decision will take care of a lot of little ones.

Are you going on a trip alone any time soon? If so, make the decision right now to keep your walk pure and holy for God's glory.
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Read: Ephesians 3:14-21
To grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. - Ephesians 3:18

TODAY IN THE WORD
Poet Malcolm Guite, in his piece entitled O Radix (O Root)muses on Christ, the Root of Jesse: "Now we have need of you, forgotten Root; The stock and stem of every living thing; Whom once we worshiped in the sacred grove; For now is winter, now is withering; Unless we let you root us deep within; Under the ground of being, graft us in." Guite's poem points us to Paul's prayer for the Christians in Ephesus. They share similar sentiments, knowing that the love of Christ must be deeply rooted in our hearts, and we must be deeply rooted in Christ's love.
Paul wrote his letter during his imprisonment in Rome. He understands what it means to need strength in your inner being, to hunger for the fullness of God's love. Verses 14 through 19 consist of Paul's robust prayer for his brothers and sisters. He makes three petitions. First, Paul prays that the same power that raised Christ from the dead would fortify the believers (v. 16; cf. 1:19-20). The desired result is that Christ would be rooted in their hearts.

Second, Paul prays that the Christians would have the ability to comprehend the incomprehensible love of Christ (v. 18). Paul's phrase is mysterious and paradoxical. How can one know something that is beyond knowing? Paul suggests that to know God's love involves more than intellectual assent to an abstract concept. Paul wishes that the believers in Ephesus would grasp in their hearts that God loves them personally and intimately, immeasurably and eternally.

Paul's third prayer request is that they would be completely filled with the fullness of God (v. 19). He desires that their knowledge of God would reflect fully who He is and what He has done. The idea of the fullness of God also reminds us of Isaiah's vision of God filling the temple in Isaiah 6. A doxology or hymn of praise flows from Paul's intercession (vv. 20-21). Paul affirms God's extraordinary power to answer this prayer more than could be imagined.
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TODAY ALONG THE WAY
As our study of God's love ends today, let us adopt Paul's prayer for the Ephesians as a prayer for our own lives and the lives of others. Try inserting your name or the names of others into the prayer as you pray today. For example, "I pray that you, Jeff, may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Spend extended time today in prayer for yourself, your loved ones, and those around you who do not yet know Christ in a saving and transforming way.

GOD BLESS!