You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Toy Advice

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.

"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said. "It's YOUR child!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Last Marathon

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

[Judy Harder]

 

Trip Tickets

Mr. and Mrs. Frobisher had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Frobisher.

"What on earth for?" asked his wife.

"I've left the tickets on it."

[Judy Harder]

 

Coast Guard Keeping

My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.

However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with her, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?"

"My house," Michelle said, "does not take 30-degree rolls."

[Judy Harder]

 Wilderness Trip

The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I backed my own van load of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to retrieve them.

An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assistant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back steps."

[Judy Harder]

 

Measuring Hunger

"The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.

"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed.""

[Judy Harder]

 

Enlisting Choices

""Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."

"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."

"But I don't want to be a pilot."

"You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."

Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either.""

[Judy Harder]

 

Forklift Economy

"After being laid off from three jobs in the past year, Dewey was hired to work in a warehouse.

Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Dewey, but I'm going to have to withhold 10 percent of each of your paychecks until we back the damage."

"How much will it cost?" Dewey asked.

"About $5,000," the owner replied.

"Finally!" Dewey exclaimed. "Job security!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Get Me Out!

"My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.

When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.

A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"

"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."

"They did," said the voice."

[Judy Harder]

 

Robber Visit

"A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.

This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."