You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"

[Judy Harder]

Docudrama
A movie producer was planning his next blockbuster--an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Scwarzenegger and offered them a chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray.

"I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "That's the part for me."

The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?"

There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."

[Judy Harder]

Chocolate Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care, In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer, I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds; now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night "In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

The REAL Night Before Christmas
(By Parents)

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse

Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not run to the store for one single thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

[Judy Harder]

Christmas Riches

Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons," "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."

Then it hit me.

I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."

[Judy Harder]

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk!

Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!

[larryJ]

    Sounds like something I would do.  Thanks, Judy.

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Organizational Changes at
the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Something For Mom

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

[Judy Harder]

Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:

10) Hey! There's a gift.

9.) Well, well, well...

8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1.) I really don't deserve this.