You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Columbus's Words to Queeen Isabella
We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge.

We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America.

While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India.

Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.

His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."

[Judy Harder]

*Anti-Burglar Signs*

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

[Judy Harder]

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to  Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York,  performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!"  said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So  tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church,  the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."

The twenty-dollar bill  interrupts, "What's a church?"

[Carl Harrod]

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.  One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.  It's probably just your Dad.'

[Judy Harder]

*Parking Lot Stay*

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park"?

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

A Good Excuse
Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other
things we do (or don't do), like eating, they might look like this list:

1. I was forced to eat as a child.

2. People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren't really hungry.

3. There are so many different kinds of food, I can't decide what to eat.

4. I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.

5. I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.

6. None of my friends will eat with me.

7. I'll start eating when I get older.

8. I don't really have time to eat.

9. I don't believe that eating does anybody any good. It's just a crutch.

10. Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Lost Ball*

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Car Privileges*

David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Clergy Golf*

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Clergy Crowd Control*

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?" He thought for a moment and then said, "I would pass an offering plate."

He got the job.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh