You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Circles

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees.

"But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees," remarked one of the trainees.

"Don't be stupid," the sergeant roared. "This is a small circle."

[Judy Harder]

To Be 6 Again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.

I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" With one eye opened she said "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

[Judy Harder]

Psychology Course

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.

"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

[Judy Harder]

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"  

[Judy Harder]

Parking Solution

A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.

The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."

[Judy Harder]

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Ms.Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three."

"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy. I just outlived
them all!

[Judy Harder]

Monday, October 19, 2009 


Found Cell Phone

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."


Tuesday, October 20, 2009   


Horseshoe Look

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

[Judy Harder]

Computer Repair

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.

[Judy Harder]

Sarahella

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

[Judy Harder]

Found Wallet

While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA system:

"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer service counter?"