You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Smuggler Prosecution

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
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[Judy Harder]

Prescription Check

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

[Judy Harder]

Van Problem

The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.

"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."

"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About Tornados

For those of you who aren't familiar with tornadoes and are hearing news coverage of this, here is a short glossary to help you understand.

Fujita Scale: used to measure wind speeds of a tornado and their severity.

F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it comes through your house, then enough to make your insurance company drop you like a brick. (People enjoy standing on their porches to watch this kind.)

F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your house, unless of course you drive an Expedition and live in a mobile home, then strong enough to blow your house into your car.

F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to the other side of town.

F4: Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide, this tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck.

The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a last sight.

Meteorologist:
A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through the t.vs..: "GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

Storm Chaser:
Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do.

Tranquilizer:
What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through the tornado every time it storms or they tear your whole house up freaking out of their minds.

Moore, Oklahoma or Tornado Alley, Alberta:
A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to meet here and do a little partying before stretching out across the rest of the Midwest.

Bathtub:
Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado, mostly because after you're covered with debris, you can quickly wash off and come out looking great.

Severe Weather Radio:
A handy device that sends out messages from the National Weather Service during a storm, though quite disconcerting because the high pitched, shrill noise just as an alarm sounds suspiciously just like a tornado. Plus the guy reading the report just sounds creepy.

Tornado Siren:
A system the city spent millions to install, which is really useful, unless there's a storm or a tornado, because then of course you can't hear them.

Storm Cellar:
A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost 100% safe, though weigh your options carefully, as most are not cared for and are homes to rats and snakes.

May-June:
Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired of bungee jumping and diving out of airplanes decide it might be fun to chase a tornado. These people usually end up on Fear Factor.

July-August
Tourist season in Alberta, when people are tired of Rodeo stuff like Bronc Busting or riding Brahma Bulls by the name of Twister...

Barometric Pressure:
Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a lot of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting moments as their husbands are trying to drive them to the hospital and dodge tornadoes at the same time.

Cars:
The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile home). Yes, you can out run a tornado in your car... unless everybody on the road decides to do the same thing, and then you're in grid lock.

A Ditch:
Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself without shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically the tornado is supposed to pass right over you, but since it can lift a 20 ton truck and up root a three hundred year old tree, I'd bet my life on out-running it in a car.

Mobile Home:
Most people are convinced mobile homes send off some strange signal that triggers tornadoes, because if there's one mobile home park in a hundred mile radius, the tornado will find it.

Earthquake:
What any Californian would rather go through on any scale of severity than face a tornado.

Tornado:
What any Oklahoman or Albertan would rather go through on any scale of severity than face an earthquake.

Twister:
Slang for 'tornado' and also the title to a movie starring Helen Hunt, which incidentally everyone thought was corny and unrealistic.

Power Flash:
One of the most reliable ways to track a tornado at night, it's the term used when the tornado hits a power line and a bright light flashes. It's also the emotion experienced by meteorologists when they get to make the call to interrupt prime-time must-see t.vs.. and a million dollars worth of advertising to track a storm for viewers.

And, here are some phrases you might want to learn and be familiar with:

"We'll have your electricity restored in 24 hours," which means it'll be a week.

"We're going to be out for a week, so buy a lot of supplies and an expensive generator," means it's going to be on in twelve hours, probably as soon as you return from Wal-Mart-Mart.

"It's a little muggy today." Get outta town. It's getting ready to storm.

"There's just a slight chance of severe weather today, so go ahead and make your outdoor plans." Ha. Ha ha ha ha.

And the BIG TIP of the day: When your electricity goes out, and you go to bed at night, be sure to turn off everything that was on before it went out, or when it is unexpectedly restored in the middle of the night, every light, every computer, your dishwasher, your blow dryer, your washing machine, your microwave and your fans will all come on all at once.

1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come on at the same time, waking you from a dead sleep.

And 2) Your breakers will blow, leaving you in the dark once again.
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[Judy Harder]

Drum Problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
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[Judy Harder]

 

You Make Me Laugh

Tuesday, September 1, 2009 Forward to a Friend   Free Newsletters 


Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
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[Judy Harder]

Payment Plan

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"
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[Judy Harder]

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."

"You should have used the drive-through," she said.

"Why?"

"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
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[larryJ]

Judy, these are just too funny!  I think your jokes are better than mine on Slice of Wry.  Thanks for all your posts.

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Better Preaching

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
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