You Make Me Laugh

[larryJ]

Ha!  You did make me laugh.  Remember the talking scale that said, "Warning! Warning!  Back off!  300 pound weight limit!"

Thanks Judy

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Thursday, August 6, 2009   


Military Intials

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.  

[Judy Harder]

Friday, August 7, 2009 


ID Card

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."  
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[Judy Harder]

Cheaters . . . .
Bill and Steve were seated next to each other while taking a test. When they had finished, the teacher called them up to her desk. "Sorry boys," she said, "but both of you will be receiving a zero on the test."
"But, why?" they asked.

"Looking over your answers and noting how very alike they are, it is obvious that one of you cheated and the other one let him do it," replied the teacher.

"That could just be a coincidence, Miss Ames," Bill said. "What would make you think we cheated?"

"Well," the teacher replied, "I might have believed it was a coincidence if it wasn't for the fact that when you got to question number 8, Steve wrote 'I don't know' for the answer, and you, Bill, wrote in 'darn, neither do I'."
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[Judy Harder]

Ladder Borrow

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

Salt and Mensa

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.  
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[Judy Harder]

Correction

Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready.

"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."

He looked at me and replied, "Twice."
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[Judy Harder]

The Beginning

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
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[Judy Harder]

Sermon Comment

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."
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[Judy Harder]

New Miracle Doctor
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do.
Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out,

"This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

Mr. Smith goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.
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