You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*Time Off*

Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

[Judy Harder]

*Ride To Church*

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

A Lieutenant with Poor People Skills
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters but lacked a few social graces.
One day, he called a soldier into the office and said, "Kramer, your grandmother died."

The soldier fell apart.

After the soldier left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent to him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis, when Private Taylor's grandfather passed away.

The next morning at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? . . . . . . Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

[Judy Harder]

*Shopping Plan*

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;

"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

*Speeding Registration*

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.

"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."

It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH



*Photo Apology*

Photographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman
complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had
taken.

"You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took
your picture, I was ten years younger."

[Judy Harder]

*Hunting Pairs*

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Joey?" the others asked.

"Joe fell and broke his ankle. He's 5 miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"

[Judy Harder]

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.

The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

[Judy Harder]

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Chocolate Calories*


A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh