You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*Bull Healing*

A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.

The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Is That A Record

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.   

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."   

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.   

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

[Teresa]

These two churches are next to each other. That's the way I heard it anyway.

[Judy Harder]

Pun Intended...
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.   

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.   

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.   

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.   

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.   

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.   

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.   

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.   

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.   

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.   

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me

[Wilma]

A-A-A-A-R-G-H  ( That's a groan on the edge of hurling.)

[Catwoman]

 

[Judy Harder]

You don't really believe . . .
A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.

A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her,

"You don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"

"Every word," she replied.

"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you
believe that?"

"Oh, absolutely," she said.

"What about God creating the universe in six days?"

"All true, I believe every word."

"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in the belly of a whale?" he asks.

"Yes, I believe that too," she says.

"Well, how could that be - I mean, how did he breathe?"

"I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."

"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.

The lady replies. . .

. . . "In that case, you can ask him!"

[Diane Amberg]

 

[Judy Harder]

You Must Believe!
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he  heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.  He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.  He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.  He tripped and fell on the ground.  He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:  "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Submitted by: Olga & Joe

Not Likely*

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

*Free Will*

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh