You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Judgement day
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.'

God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'

[Judy Harder]

*Historical Application*

Steinberg needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications to get it. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the Sales Manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?" the manager asks.

"Oh yes, lots of it," replies Steinberg

"And you say you have a master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" the manager asks.

"That is correct," replies Steinberg. "American history is my field of study."

"Well, then," says the sales manager. "With these qualifications, as soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations, Steinberg, obviously pleased with himself, begins to look around the room. Steinberg notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the wall. Pointing to the portraits, Steinberg turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine-looking men. Your partners?"

[Judy Harder]

*Shopping Remote*

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally."


*Movie Seats*

After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.

Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."    

[Judy Harder]

Flight School
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over  and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!  Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*At Home*

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

[Judy Harder]

*Flower Oil*

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

[Judy Harder]

*Boring Flight*

Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game.

"I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."

When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 238,857 miles. Now it's your turn."

The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour--but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.

The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.

[Judy Harder]

*Kid Wisdom*

When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road??
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDMA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

KARL MARX : It was a historical inevitability.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[Judy Harder]

The Contest
A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question, and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.
Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the scholarship of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.

Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of sand at the lip?"

Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."

Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the sand."

"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"

"That's YOUR question," said Thompson as he took the money.