You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*Vendor Problem*

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Applause*

A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the way up here."

Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start the movie unless we have ten paying people or more."

[Judy Harder]

*Fearless Leader*

As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."

[Judy Harder]

Renegade Alien Bovines a Potential National Threat?
GUERNSEY, NEW JERSEY – Officials at the North American Bovine Watch Association (NABWA) have issued a new warning level in the continuing watch of a potential invasion of renegade alien bovines in the nation's homeland.

The warning level has been raised one color code to "Red Sindhi," meaning all North American inhabitants should remain vigilant, prepared, and ready to deter potential renegade alien bovine attacks.

"We are encouraging the public at large to stay alert and to exercise caution in handling all milk-related products, but not to panic," advises NABWA Chief Deputy Officer, Lawrence Longhorn.  "At a Red Sindhi level, there will be increased surveillance of critical locations, coordination of emergency plans, and the continuing assessment of characteristics of threat and the enforcement of pre-planned protective measures."

The impending attacks are being closely monitored, as a widespread galactic extremist group of renegade alien bovines remain vehemently opposed to the usage of recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone in North American food processing.  These radical followers of Holy Cow have threatened nothing short of expiration on any family farmer or consumer who supports the practice of treating cows with rBGH or participates in supporting rBGH through consumption.

Various alleged incidents in the past month have contributed to NABWA raising the warning level to its current status.  At a recent Crosswalk.com chat featuring musician Kevin Max (dc Talk), chatters were subjected to possible surveillance and chat infiltration when discussion of renegade alien bovines occurred spontaneously, and without warning, during normally scheduled chat question-and-answer points.  Investigations are still underway and an official pronouncement of findings is still pending regarding Max's comments in response to a chatter's inquiry of his favorite snack and his response of "an alien bovine steak."  The Holy Cow extremists have not as yet claimed responsibility for said incident.

National activist group MOO (Milk ... but Only Ordinary), which also opposes rBHG as well as cow-tipping, has already begun planning a presidential protest to be held in the south pasture of the White House lawn later this month.  The event will be open to MOO members, as well as all sympathizers to the cause of the Holy Cow.

In addition, residents of India who are opposed to impending NABWA retaliation efforts have begun daily protests in the capital city of New Delhi.  Other related groups are threatening boycotts of all McDonald's franchises within the country's geographic boundaries which will purportedly have a significant dietary effect on the 1+ billion population.

[Judy Harder]

Signs That Your Cat is Hanging Around with the Wrong Crowd:

One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.

Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives."

You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again."

Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.

Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-KITTY-CAT-MEOW."

You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been raiding stores in the neighborhood.

After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.

[Judy Harder]

Renegades' Latest Strike Leaves Men In Blue Pensive
For the second time in the last month, The Lobby Queens came into work today and were aghast to find all of their blue pens missing - that is with the exception of two blue pens which had since run out of ink. Inexplicably, the perpetrators of this horrific crime left behind a number of black, green, and red pens. A witness says that she saw someone or somethingleaving the office late last night. Though she did not get a good look at the likely culprit, she did catch a glimpse of the green creature rounding a corner, and she heard the jingling of what may have been a bell of some sort.

In addition to this eye witness account, police are looking into a suspcious cow-shaped UPS employee who recently  delivered a package to the Crosswalk office complex. They are considering the possibility that this is the latest in a series of crimes committed by the much feared extraterrestial gang known as the "Renegade Alien Bovines." As to the group's preference for blue pens, police can only speculate.

A world-renowned criminologist who was brought in to assist with the investigation, and who prefers to remain unnamed, believes that the Bovines may find nourishment in the highly sought after blue ink. Police are considering this explanation, as well as the possibility that the Renegades are planning to use the azure liquid to power some otherworldy device of destruction.

Whatever their agenda, the Bovines continue to terrify people the world over. Police are asking the public for help in locating the very dangerous alien bovines before they can strike again. They are also seeking any additional theories regarding the Renegades' intentions for the stolen blue pens.           

Until the case of the missing pens is solved, Police are suggesting that local residents take extra precautions to protect their blue pen supply.

[Judy Harder]

*Gated Community*

Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.

"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.

"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"

[Judy Harder]

*Dollar Measure*

Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Incredible Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of the word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY-> When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST-> When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

DESPERATION-> When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE-> When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES-> When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN 'EM

ANIMOSITY-> When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW-> When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS-> When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT->When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO-> When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

[Judy Harder]

*Fast Driver*

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

*Pay Mistakes*

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake ­ but not two in a row!"